NFL Pyramid Scheme Rankings

Roughly 1/3rd of the NFL regular season is in the books, so by now the truth should begin to shine through like the Golden Shower that IS predicting the NFL weekly results.

So here we go, the TOP FIVE/BOTTOM THREE (because they don’t deserve five):


1) Seattle Seahawks

The eye-ball test keeps reminding us they’re the best in the league.  They continue to rep the Northwest harder than a Macklemore concert during a “Twilight” film festival.

2)  Denver Broncos

Peyton Manning is the best regular season QB in the history of the league, 500 passing TDs should prove that statement ten-fold without diving into Pandora’s box of stats that can further convince every medical marijuana user that Manning is in fact the highest mountain IN the Rocky Mountains.

3)  San Diego Chargers

The Whale’s Vagina is a mysterious, mythical land full of unicorn-surfers, hippy-beach-millionaires and more sex wax than a single flame on a candle maker’s spring break.  (see what I did there?)

4)  Cincinnati Bengals

Even after the loss to the Fake-triots on Sunday, the Bengals STILL have all the defense of a great deodorant and a high-potent, multi-option offense.  Oh, and they have the mythical, Yeti-like, Narnia of a red-headed QB too.  (they DO exist)

5)  Dallas Cowboys

I can’t believe it either!  But the offense has finally realized DeMarco Murray is the linchpin to keep Jerry’s world in balance, otherwise Romo will run them off a cliff head first.  Murray has joined a list with O.J. Simpson and Jim Brown as the only players to open a season with five straight 100-yard rushing games.

BOTTOM THREE (cause they don’t deserve five):

1)  New York Jets

You know it’s bad when:


2)  Jacksonville Jaguars

At least they have a future QB with potential and a few WRs who seem to be able to make some plays.

3)  Oakland Raiders

Derek Carr isn’t bad right?  And they have the best RB core 2008 could imagine, but someone should tell Oakland it’s 2014.


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