The NBA Trade Carnage is a Stinky Cologne

The NBA trade deadline was today at 3pm Eastern time, by 3:05pm the landscape of the league was scorched and smoking like the catastrophic sink-hole in “This is the End”, filled with B-listers and former borderline A-listers leading everyone paying attention to say “hey, that’s that guy from that thing”.

To which I overwhelmingly respond, “yeah, I remember him, he was OK in that bank robber movie”.

I decided to wander through the role-player swamp and has-beens haberdashery of trades (that probably will not work out for anyone) team by team.  Hopefully not missing any opportunity to make fun of General Managers as they seemingly sift through stat sheets, PER numbers and cocaine.  So here ya go:

Sacramento Kings:

  • GET: Andre Miller from the Washington Wizards AND George Karl from the idiot Denver Nuggets who canned him 2 years ago and now completely suck.
  • SEND: Ramon Sessions to Washington Wizards.

Kings improve the “character” issues in the locker room instantly by adding Andre Miller.  He’s a leader and is literally old enough to be several Kings players’ father.  Prediction: The Kings will hop several teams in the West over the next 2 seasons (Utah, Denver and Phoenix), they’ll be an 8-seed and make the playoffs next season and be a 5 or 6-seed the following season.  George Karl is THAT good at coaching and settling down “troubled” rosters.

 Minnesota T-Wolves:

  • GET: Kevin Garnett from the Brooklyn Nets.  Why the hell did KG do this?
  • SEND: Thaddeus Young to the Brooklyn Nets.

Minnesota made a move to get KG back to the Great White North, and surprisingly KG waived his no-trade option in order to do it.  I’m perplexed by this move for KG.

1)  If KG is going to retire after this season, why bother going back to Minnesota NOW?  I’m sure Minnesota would gladly sign him to a 1-day contract symbolically so he could retire a Timberwolves player.  But not to mention, KG doesn’t seem like the sentimental type anyway, so is he just giving up on the rest of his career at this point?

2)  He passed up on other legitimate teams that have championship contention in their near future that wanted to sign him for a playoff run, like the LA Clippers and Houston Rockets.

3)  Earlier this season he said he was “all-in for the Brooklyn Nets” THIS season.  He also said he didn’t want to move his family mid-season.

4)  KG also made comments about wanting to be an owner of the Minnesota Timberwolves after his career is over, I don’t see how going back to a bad team for a half-season before you retire IN ANY WAY has an effect on that happening, good or bad.  He doesn’t need to show Minnesota any more loyalty, he literally gave them the best years of their lives and his own life (career wise), the North of the Wall (Winter is Coming) people love him no matter what.

5)  Does this mean he’s giving up on his career and giving up on EVER getting another championship ring?  NOTHING good is happening in Minnesota right now, so there’s no way re-signing a contract there is worth it and AGAIN, if he’s just going to retire, then what the hell is the point???

 Milwaukee Bucks:

  • GET: Michael Carter Williams, Miles Plumlee and Tyler Ennis from the Philadelphia 76ers.
  • SEND: Brandon Knight to the Phoenix Suns.

Milwaukee had something good going with Brandon Knight, though a tad inconsistent, Knight has had his best year as a pro this season.  Averaging career highs in points (17.8 ppg), assists (5.4 apg), and rebounds (4.3 rpg) while carrying a very solid 18.56 PER (Player Efficiency Rating).  I like Michael Carter Williams, but he’s NOT better than Brandon Knight right now (or maybe will ever be), Tyler Ennis barely sees the floor at all, and Miles Plumlee is the wrong Plumlee to trade for.

 Philadelphia 76ers:

  • GET: Javale McGee and OKC’s protected first round 2015 pick from the Denver Nuggets
  • GET: Isaiah Canaan and 2nd round pick from the Houston Rockets.
  • GET: A protected first round pick from Phoenix.
  • SEND: Michael Carter Williams, Miles Plumlee and Tyler Ennis to the Milwaukee Bucks.
  • SEND: KJ McDaniels to the Houston Rockets.

Philly fans: if you want to jump ship, I understand completely.  This “tank for a few seasons to rebuild” theory was a great theory initially, but at what point does the 3 year rebuilding period ACTUALLY become a BUILDING!?!?  They have 5 guys who are all essentially the same player, an athletic PF/Center who can’t stay healthy or score in the half-court (Javale McGee, Joel Embiid, Nerlens Noel, Furkan Aldemir and Henry Sims).

RED ALERT, RED ALERT!!!!

DJ-Red-Alert-albumDid I mention that Philly does NOT have a point guard on their roster?  Isaiah Canaan and Tony Wroten are the closest thing to a PG on the roster.  This NBA team doesn’t have a Point Guard.  READ THAT AGAIN.

 Houston Rockets:

  • GET: Pablo Prigioni from the New York Knicks.
  • GET: KJ McDaniels from the Philadelphia 76ers.
  • SEND: Isaiah Canaan and 2nd round pick to Philadelphia 76ers.
  • SEND: Alexy Shved and two 2nd round picks to the New York Knicks.

Congrats Houston, you sent three 2nd round picks and two solid bench players for less/equally talented players and less possible future talent.  Not sure why they did this.

Portland Trailblazers:

  • GET: Arron Afflalo and Alonzo Gee from the Denver Nuggets.
  • SEND: Thomas Robinson, Will Barton, Victor Claver and first round pick to the Denver Nuggets.

I like this move for Portland, Afflalo and Gee add instant bench scoring.  Afflalo can also be a lock-down perimeter defender, he rebounds well and can stretch the defense with the three-ball.  Afflalo will be in the starting lineup before the playoffs start, mark my words.

Denver Nuggets:

  • GET: Thomas Robinson, Will Barton, Victor Claver and first round lottery pick from the Portland Trailblazers.
  • GET: Rights to Cenk Akyol (who the hell is that?).
  • SEND: Arron Afflalo and Alonzo Gee to the Portland Trailblazers.
  • SEND: Javale McGee to the Philadelphia 76ers.

I like that Denver finally unloaded Javale McGee’s mickey-mouse contract (worst in the NBA), but seriously how many times are they gonna trade Arron Afflalo!?!?  I guess if you’re a Nuggets fan you can take solace in the fact that Afflalo will end up back on the Nuggets somehow this time next year, so don’t burn your #10 jersey just yet.

The first round lottery pick helps, the silver lining in Denver is that they’re starting to stack draft picks:

2015 first round lottery protected pick from the Portland Trailblazers

2015 first round draft pick from the Memphis Grizzlies

2015 second round draft pick from the L.A. Clippers

Now if they could just change their jerseys and logo back to the old city skyline, maybe Denver would be COOL again.

DenverNuggetsGold

two of these five players are still relevant in Denver

denvernuggetsdenver_display_image

I stick with my forever theory that when a franchise is struggling with identity (Denver is the definition of struggling since Karl and Ujiri left) a change of uniforms, logo and team facelift will empower the fans, the front office and the players.  Someday I’ll delve into that topic deeper.

OKC Thunder:

  • GET: Enes Kanter and Steve Novak from the Utah Jazz.
  • GET: Kyle Singler and DJ Augustine from the Detroit Pistons.
  • SEND: Reggie Jackson to the Detroit Pistons.
  • SEND: Kendrick Perkins to the Utah Jazz.

Seeing Reggie Jackson leave is sad for OKC fans, but otherwise this is a massive upgrade for the Thunder.  Kanter is twice the player that the human scowley-faced-rottweiler, Kendrick Perkins is.  Steve Novak and Kyle Singler (basically twins) are shooters off the bench that can help stretch defenses and knock down shots in the playoffs when teams double-team Durant and Westbrook.  DJ Augustine has also proved to be a solid back-up PG, even though he’s traded as much as Arron Afflalo and Nate Robinson is.

***sidenote: how did we get through the trade deadline-day without Nate Robinson being traded!?!?

Screen-Shot-2012-10-29-at-10.14.26-PM155295240_Fotor_Collage_crop_north

NR30NBA11614

Detroit Pistons:

  • GET: Tayshaun Prince from the Boston Celtics.
  • GET: Reggie Jackson from the OKC Thunder.
  • SEND: DJ Augustine and Kyle Singler to the OKC Thunder
  • SEND: a couple bums to the Boston Celtics.

Tayshaun Prince is finally back in Detroit, admittedly I wasn’t aware he ever left.  Reggie Jackson is a great pick up for the Pistons, although they’re bound to overpay for him.  But a back court of Brandon Jennings (if he’s healthy) and Reggie Jackson should secure Detroit snuggly in the bottom-middle of the Eastern Conference somewhere with a competitive and entertaining first round playoff exit next year.

Boston Celtics:

  • GET: Isaiah Thomas from the Phoenix Suns.
  • GET: a couple bums from the Detroit Pistons (Jonas Jerebko and Luigi Datome).
  • SEND: Tayshaun Prince to the Detroit Pistons.
  • SEND: Marcus Thornton and 2016 First Round draft pick to the Phoenix Suns.

Love Isaiah Thomas, he’s a scrappy, left-handed, quick-shooting point guard that Boston fans will fall in love with.  Marcus Smart, Avery Bradley and Isaiah Thomas all fighting for guard time will be fun to watch, welcome to the land of short, quick guards that the average fan knows nothing about.

Phoenix Suns:

  • GET: Brandon Knight from the Milwaukee Bucks.
  • GET: Marcus Thornton and 2016 First Round pick from the Boston Celtics.
  • GET: John Salmons (who will get waived by Phoenix) from the New Orleans Pelicans.
  • GET: Danny Granger from the Miami Heat
  • GET: Two future first round draft picks from the Miami Heat
  • SEND: Goran Dragic to the Miami Heat.
  • SEND: Isaiah Thomas to the Boston Celtics.

Love Brandon Knight, he’s a solid replacement for the disgruntled and soon to be overpaid, Slovenian Jackhammer, Goran Dragic (Doesn’t his name sound like a boxer from a 80s action movie?  Like maybe the warm-up fight for Rocky Balboa before he fought Ivan Drago?).

Ivan_drago_2Dragic01_zps296e0505

 Miami Heat:

  • GET: Goran Dragic and Zoran Dragic from Phoenix Suns.
  • SEND: Norris Cole to New Orleans Pelicans.

The Slovenian Jackhammer is a HUGE addition for Miami.  He’s instantly a better option at PG than anyone on the Heat’s roster.  Dragic adds another scoring threat who can run the floor, facilitate the offense and initiate everything in the half court for Dwayne Wade, Luol Deng and Chris Bosh.  It’ll put Wade and Deng on the wings (where they belong) in better scoring positions, Dragic can penetrate the defense and draw the defense in while D-Wade and Luol can spot up and wait for a crisp pass.  Dragic will elevate this team and the offense immediately, putting Miami back in the mix as a dangerous playoff squad.

Also involved in the trade to Miami is Goran’s fake brother Zoran Dragic………wait what?  He’s a real person?  Goran and Zoran Dragic?  And they’re both being traded from Phoenix to Miami?  Really???

Utah Jazz:

  • GET: Kendrick Perkins from the OKC Thunder.
  • SEND: Enes Kanter and Steve Novak to the OKC Thunder.

This was dumb.  The Jazz got older, slower and less talented.

New Orleans Pelicans:

  • GET: Norris Cole from the Miami Heat.
  • SEND: John Salmons to the Phoenix Suns.

Norris Cole adds some depth to the Pelicans’ bench, the Kid-n-Play stand-in will help pick up the slack immediately due to Jrue Holiday’s injury.

norris-colekid_n_play

There it is, the trade-day duffle bag of too much information.  Good luck with the rest of your season 76ers fans, if you need a good laugh just watch a Nuggets game.

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