March Madness is my Christmas, and the Final Four is my New Year Celebration

Welcome to the THUNDER DOME!!

It’s my favorite time of the year, when sports betting is as prevalent in an office setting as a copy machine that claims to have a paper jam but THERE IS NO PAPER JAM.  Money exchanges hands, brackets are pined over, dismantled and remantled (is that a word?) in an artful, lust of sports debauchery that only the strong-willed can fully handle.

EVERYONE is a college hoops expert instantly due to the overwhelming amount of information that circles the internet trolling sports sites.  FML (I’m adjusting to young-kids talk), sports betting was so much easier when the only mooks on the planet that knew anything about serious action had an “O” at the end of their last name and sat in a cloud of smoke in a Sports Book waaaay off the strip.

After taking a “hiatus” from the handicapping lifestyle, which was strongly recommended by my cardiologist (after wildly spending my football dimes in Thailand with some incredibly unsavory characters, mini-horses and scorpion fighting experts for the last 3 months), I’m glad to be back in my nice warm seat here at TheCoLA headquarters in lovely, always entertaining Hollywood, CA.

You ready for some WINNERS you degenerates!?!?!  Here ya go, enjoy the stupidity:

First Round UpSet Alerts

MidWest Bracket

Texas (11-seed) OVER Butler (6-seed)

Texas is the perfect example of underachievement this regular season.  To begin with, the Longhorns barely made it in the tourney.  At the beginning of the 2014-15 season, Isaiah Taylor and Myles Turner were both thought to be potential high NBA draft picks, but after a disappointing 8-10 Big-12 conference record and let-down after let-down when playing the top tier conference teams (2-9 against higher ranked in-conference teams), Texas was an afterthought for most.  Wait, how did they get in the tourney???


Anyway, all of that underachieving only can mean ONE thing when it comes to march Madness:  UPSET ALERT!!  Texas is big, athletic and when they play well, have the ability to compete with anyone in the country.  THIS is why I know they’ll beat a smaller, less athletic, Butler Bulldogs team (even though I love dog-mascot teams).  That’s how the tournament works, every single year.

  • sidenote:  I REALLY REALLY want to give you the Bobby Hurley-lead University of Buffalo (12-seed) OVER West Virginia (5-seed) here too, but I just can’t bring myself to do it because of this guy:

West Bracket

Wofford (12-seed) OVER Arkansas (5-seed)

Who the hell is Wofford you may ask.  Firstly, their mascot is the Terriers (gotta love a team with a dog mascot) and they reside in Spartanburg, South Carolina.  Secondly, Wofford has a stud of a senior guard who can shoot the HELL out of the ball:  Karl Cochran 14.6 ppg, 5.8 rpg, 40% fg and 38% three-point fg.

Wofford also has an incredibly stingy defense holding opponents to 59 ppg., ranking them 20th in the country in defensive efficiency, also they have a badass bronzed sculpture of a Boston Terrier on campus.


Bronze sculpture of a terrier guarding Wofford’s campus, I’m told his name is Blitz.

  • sidenote:  I REALLY REALLY wanna give you Ohio State (10-seed) OVER VCU (7-seed), but for some reason I just can’t pull the trigger on it.  Maybe it’s because Shaka Smart is the coolest head coach in college sports.


East Bracket

I got nothing for ya, Wyoming (12-seed) has the ever-exciting 5-12 match-up and the Cowboys aren’t beating anyone while they wear those poop-n-pee jerseys, NO CHANCE (yes, I just made you click on the words poop-n-pee).

I thought about Albany (14-seed) over Oklahoma (3-seed) because of the great storyline that everyone wants to see continue with Albany’s guard, Peter Hooley but unfortunately it’s just not gonna happen, sorry Albany.

So here’s a video-montage of Charles Barkley golfing instead of an upset pick for this bracket:

South Bracket

Davidson (10-seed) OVER  Iowa (7-seed)

  1. Davidson is one of the most effective offensive teams in the country, averaging 79.9 points per game on 47.1 percent shooting from the field.  The famous-for-being Steph Curry’s squad had won 10 straight games before losing to VCU in the A-10 tournament semifinals, lead by senior guard Tyler Kalinoski, who leads the team with 17 ppg, 5.6 rpg and 4.1 apg.
  2. I don’t like Iowa.

Stephen F. Austin (12-seed) OVER Utah (5-seed)

This is the toughest call of the first round, Utah (24-8 overall, 13-5 Pac-12) is a very good team with a VERY good player, Delon Wright.  BUT, I got a feelin………I’m high on believeing………..Stephen F. Austin’s the one for meeeeeeeeeee.

SFA is ninth in the country in scoring (79.5 ppg), FIRST in the country in assists (17.8 apg) and fifth in the country in fg% (.491%).  Which tells us this:  they are gonna come out running, passing and FIRING like a Mexican stand-off on the Runnin’ Utes of SLC.

SFA is somewhat undersized, not particularly athletic,  and kinda like the old-man rec league team that’s been playing together since they were in college and are IMPOSSIBLE to beat.

They move well without the ball, they share the ball, they shoot the ball, they run the picket fence, they have this kid named Jimmy Chitwood who doesn’t EVER TALK but can drain jumpers……..wait sorry, I lost my train of thought.


Seriously, these SFA kids even LOOK and TALK like Hoosiers cast-members:

Well there you have it, happy betting to you all, don’t come crying to me when your brackets are all red ink and your CHALK picks don’t turn you any profit.

AND REMEMBER dear readers, the house always wins.  You play long enough, the house takes you.
Unless, when that perfect hand comes, you bet big. Then you take the house.

Chris Farley is Better as Laettner than Laettner Is

March Madness is here and I can’t imagine a better way to kick it off than this:

Other versions of this idea that would’ve been GREAT:

  • Michael Jordan’s UNC game winner over Georgetown, played by Tim Meadows as “The Ladies Man”.

  • Tyus Edney’s full court dribble for the game winning lay-up at the buzzer over Mizzou, played by Chris Rock as “Nat-X”.

  • Bryce Drew’s game winning three pointer at the buzzer to sink Mississippi, played by David Spade as “David Spade”.

  • Jimmy V running around like a mad-man after NC State beat Houston, played by Adam Sandler as “OperaMan”.

Somebody call up Lorne Michaels and ESPN 30 for 30 Shorts, this is a can’t miss idea.

Remember that time China-Shaq Dunked on Steph Marbury?

SOOO many topics arise from this video:

1)  Steph Marbury is STILL playing in China right now.  He’s 38 years old and still has a tattoo of his shoe brand (now bankrupt) on his head.

2)  China-Shaq might be the funniest name/nickname I’ve heard since A-A-Ron.

3)  Han Dejun is a 7-foot-1 center who plays for the Liaoning Flying Leopards in the Chinese Basketball Association, he’s a gigantic basketball monster……especially in China.  But was this post-dunk reaction really necessary??  You just dunked on a 6-2 guard, who by the way dropped 36 points on your squad and lead a final minute comeback for the win only moments later, making this dunk and celebration fairly moot (you know, like a cow’s opinion, it just doesn’t matter).

hu8pojfzj3tvykjzrvye4)  Starbury is still ballin: