NFL Draft: It’s Finally Here

Who ya got going #1 in the NFL Draft Tonight?

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NFL.COM‘s expert analysis for the first 5 picks:

Screen Shot 2015-04-30 at 3.40.29 PMFOX Sports First 5 Picks:

  1. Tampa Bay Bucs:  Jameis Winston, QB, Florida State
  2. Tennessee Titans:  Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon
  3. Jacksonville Jaguars:  Amari Cooper, WR, Alabama
  4. Oakland Raiders:  Leonard Williams, DT, USC
  5. Washington Redskins:  Dante Fowler, Jr., OLB/DE, Florida

Sports Illustrated First 5 Picks:

Screen Shot 2015-04-30 at 3.46.29 PMCBS Sports First 5 Picks:

  1. Tampa Bay Bucs:  Jameis Winston, QB – Florida State
  2. Tennessee Titans:  Marcus Mariota, QB – Oregon
  3. Jacksonville Jaguars:  Leonard Williams, DE – USC
  4. Oakland Raiders:  Dante Fowler Jr., OLB – Florida
  5. Washington Redskins:  Vic Beasley, OLB – Clemson

USA Today First 5 Picks:

  1. Tampa Bay Bucs:  Jameis Winston, QB – Florida State
  2. Tennessee Titans:  Marcus Mariota, QB – Oregon
  3. Jacksonville Jaguars:  Dante Fowler Jr., OLB – Florida
  4. Oakland Raiders:  Leonard Williams, DE – USC
  5. Washington Redskins:  Vic Beasley, OLB – Clemson

ESPN First 5 Picks:

  1. Tampa Bay Bucs:  Jameis Winston, QB – Florida State
  2. Tennessee Titans:  Marcus Mariota, QB – Oregon
  3. Jacksonville Jaguars:  Leonard Williams, DE – USC
  4. Oakland Raiders:  Amari Cooper, WR – Alabama
  5. Washington Redskins:  Dante Fowler Jr., OLB – Florida

TheCoLA First 5 Picks:

  1. Tampa Bay Bucs:  Jameis Winston, QB – Florida State.  It makes too much sense, he can start right away and will have decent weapons around him.  Plus, there’s tons of crab legs available in Tampa Bay.
  2. Tennessee Titans:  Marcus Mariota, QB – Oregon.  BUT, traded to Philadelphia in a huge, weird, crazy trade that includes Cleveland, Philadelphia, Tennessee and a LIVE Goat.
  3. Jacksonville Jaguars:  Amari Cooper, WR – Alabama.  Jacksonville’s offense is a dumpster fire (although so is it’s defense mostly).  Blake Bortles, the “answer” at QB for Jacksonville, needs weapons to be relevant.
  4. Oakland Raiders:  Leonard Williams, DE – USC.  He’s a beast, could be a lynch-pin on the defensive line for Oakland.  Pair him with Khalil Mack and that defense gets MUCH better VERY quickly.  They need a WR, but they can get a decent option later in the draft.
  5. Washington Redskins:  Dante Fowler Jr. OLB – Florida.  He’s a beast and a huge talent, the Redskins need everything on the defensive side of the ball.  Especially if RGIII is STILL somehow playing QB in Washington.

 

 

 

 

 

This Incredible Sports Week Continues

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The San Antonio Spurs defeated the Los Angeles Clippers last night 111-107 (cause Duncan is actually Benjamin Button) to set the series at 3-2 in the Spurs favor.  The Clippers will face elimination back in San Antonio in game 6 on Thursday.  If they can steal another win in Texas it will force the most epic sports day cluster-FU&$ I’ve seen in a long while.  Saturday, May 2nd could look like this:

INT. TheCoLA Headquarters War Room – Morning

Our main character, CASEY, wakes up around 8am.  He’s a 30-something guy’s guy with the sports-acumen of a man twice his age, but the general maturity level of a kid half his age.  A Michael Jordan fat-head is plastered above his bed.  On his nightstand (plastic milk crate) stands an autographed Bill Murray head-shot that reads, “You can’t leave, all the plants will die – Be good kid, Bill Murray”.

The TV clicks on, ESPN SportsCenter glows.

Casey (talking to himself):  “Sweet God in heaven, the NFL draft is STILL going?”

Casey clicks over to ESPN2, more Mayweather vs. Pacquiao pre-fight talking-heads discuss the upcoming fight that evening, Teddy Atlas (best boxing analyst name EVER) loud-talks and mumbles in fight-terms and boxing lingo we’ll never understand but we all pretend we do.

Casey (talking to himself):  “Atlas looks like he’s got his ass kicked a few times, but i wouldn’t mess with him.  Pacquiao needs to stop singing so damn much, and I’m not buying that wholesome, innocent smile anymore.  Mayweather needs to stop being such a pompous ass, needs to stop hangin with Bieber too.  Dude is like 20 years younger than him.  But damn, Money Mayweather sure is rich, different colored cars for different days of the week?  God, I can’t wait for this fight.  If the world ends in the next 10 minutes, they better not postpone this fight in the afterlife.”

ESPN2 switches to NBA coverage, the Clippers/Spurs series is going to a game 7 tonight.

Casey (to himself):  “Oh man, game 7 is tonight too.  What the hell am I gonna do?  The fight AND game 7 on at the same time?  Does my TV have picture in picture?  Is that even a thing anymore?  Am I gonna have to go to a bar to watch this shit?  Maybe I should just drive to Vegas.  Fuck yeah, Vegas baby.”

DREAM SEQUENCE of Casey’s mind replaying “Swingers” and the car scenes driving to Vegas between Trent and Mike.

The CoLA bat-phone rings, only used for emergencies (and all other times too) so this must be important.

Casey:  “Yo, who dis?”

Caller:  “It’s yo momma, take your hands outta your pants, God is always watching.”  (my idiot friends actually says stuff like that)

Casey:  “Oh, now that you mention it, your mom’s right here next to me, wanna say hi?”  (I usually say stuff like that too)

Caller:  “Yo, Derby-Boxing-NBA Playoffs-Day today.  Drinks, Derby Day, then the Clippers game, then the Pacquiao/Mayweather fight.”

Casey:  “And then I die of exhaustion disguised as drunkeness and constant screaming.  Is there a Red Sox/Yankees game today too?”

Caller:  “Oh is that your vagina talking again?”

Casey:  “OK, I’m on my way.”

INSERT DIAL TONE

The caller hangs up the phone, as we…CUT TO:

INT. Random Sports Bar – Night

Casey is on the verge of being passed out while standing as he leans upon a stand-up, round table, clutching a beer in the two fingers that are still functional while his friend, TIM yells loudly over the rest of the bar patrons.

Tim:  “I told you son!  I told you!”

manny-pacquiao-vs-mayweatherIf I’m alive by the end of this weekend, I’ll be surprised.  Here’s a lineup of potential times for all of Saturday’s festivities:

All Times Are Eastern Time Zone

12:05pm-ish — NBA Playoffs?  Bulls/Bucks?, Cavs/Bulls?, Wizards/Whoever?

1:35 pm – Yankees at Red Sox

3:00pm — Kentucky Derby pre-race! Potential horses you need to be familiar with – International Star, Dortmund, Frosted, American Pharoah, Carpe Diem, Mubtaahj, Materiality

5:30pm-ish — Kentucky Derby Main Race!!!

6pm-ish — Pacquiao VS. Mayweather UNDER-CARDS.

8pm-ish — NBA Playoffs?  Clippers/Spurs Game 7?,  Golden State/Memphis?

11pm-ish — Pacquiao VS Mayweather MAIN EVENT

Glad I don’t live on the east coast for days like this.

Duke Wins Again

Five-star power forward high school recruit, Brandon Ingram has decided to be a Blue Devil next season (only season), and the whole college basketball world collectively shakes their head in disgust.

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Click Here

This is a smack in the face for all UNC Tarheel fans, as you can see in the above photo, Ingram played for Jerry Stackhouse’s AAU program over the past few summers and is a local North Carolina kid.  After adding up the simple basketball math, MOST college basketball recruiting pundits had him choosing to be a Tarheel instead of going to the darkside in Durham.

Even though Brandon Ingram is probably a one-and-done type player, it’s unbelievable how the rich keep getting richer lately.  Coach K just keeps winning, like a boss.

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****CONSPIRACY THEORY:  Ingram (his people) may know more than most, perhaps this move is an indication of what’s about to come down the pipeline towards UNC for various academic fraud investigations (click here)?  Maybe we should read between the lines here???

Jordan’s Rookie Nike Shoes Sold for $71,553 at Auction

Speaking as a recovering sneakerhead (I’m on step 9, the “apology level”)  even I can’t imagine spending almost 72 Geeeeeez on a damn pair of shoes.  Although…….they are signed and dated by MJ too.

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The average cost of a pair of Jordans in 2014 was estimated at $194 (ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?  Yes I am), so just to be clear; the new owner of these Rookie Jordans could have bought roughly 368 pairs of BRAND NEW J’s and still take us out for pizza at Sbarro in the Mall Food Court.

VHS Sports Highlight Videos Were the Best

If you’re between the ages of about 28-40 and you’re a sports fan, then you probably remember that true professional sports celebrity in the 80s and 90s was solely measured by how many highlight videos you were a part of.

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For those of you under the age of 28 (and didn’t have an older sibling), let me briefly explain:  a highlight video was mostly on VHS (the thing that looks like oversized music tapes made of plastic) OR if your family was rich/techy, the video was on Laser Disk (holy shit, it was a giant mini-disk…does anyone remember mini-disks?).  This was before the internet, before you could look up instant highlights all the time via youtube or any number of kinds of online content.

I feel it is my duty as an all-knowing, all-sports-nerd and fan of the 80s and 90s; that I should keep the tradition of poorly edited and overly dramatic highlight videos going somehow.  So without any more delay, I give you the “Sports Highlight Videos of the Past” of the day, here’s 12-15 minutes of quality time wasted:

and easily the worst song pick of ANY highlight video:

 More to come, stay tuned………

So, You Did Steroids…..

I’ve always loved the before and after photos of roided-out athletes/celebs, I find it hilarious.  Admittedly, this material is a tad outdated (who gives a shit about Steroids anymore) but it made me laugh, and on a slow Monday I figured….what the hell.

Enjoy.

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