Things you may have missed over the weekend while you were day-drinking, lying face down in a gutter and/or celebrating American Pharoah’s Triple Crown run.
Consider this your Sports-Over-The-Weekend-crash-course. Pay attention, there will be a quiz later in the form of a blue-book essay. Remember those things!?!?
NBA Finals Game 2: Lebron Ties Things Up
Lebron dug his heels into the soft, moist, fog-covered bay area ground on Sunday and loaded his tech-nine with strait-187 cop-killers (too bay-area 90s gangster rapper?) when he dropped his 5th playoff career triple-double and sealing the game 2 victory for the Mistake by the M-Lake. Tallying up 39 points, 16 rebounds, 11 assists and one ENORMOUS eff-you, velociraptor-scream at the end of the game. That’s a serious stat-line, in fact it put him in rare air on the playoff all-time record book:
I’ve not seen someone win an NBA Finals game on pure will, grit and GIANT intestinal fortitude the way that Lebron did this weekend since MJ dropped 38 points, 7 rebounds and 5 assists on June 11th, 1997 in the historical “Hang-Over Game”. Oh, wait I mean the “Flu-Game”.
Triple Crown Winner: American Pharoah Turns Left Well
For the first time since 1978 we have a Triple Crown winner in the exciting world of tiny, latin men riding shiny, big horses around a dirt track. And for 2 minutes on Saturday, EVERYONE pretended they knew horse racing.
There has only been 11 Triple Crown winners in history, for those of you who are equine-ically inclined, the Triple Crown consists of winning three races: The Kentucky Derby, The Preakness Stakes and The Belmont Stakes. So congratulations to American Pharoah and his jockey, Tattoo. Uh, I mean Victor Espinoza.
Since Affirmed won the last Triple Crown, the USA has elected five presidents, fought three wars (that we’ve admitted to) and lived through at least three economic-oopsies (technical financial term for collapse).
Just in case you were wondering, this is the last known photo of Triple Crown Winner, Affirmed:
I know nothing about horse-racing, but I got a guy who tells me that Affirmed was a mudder and loved the slop.
NCAA Basketball Changed Some Rules
For the upcoming season the NCAA rules committee made some changes to rules that only basketball NERDS like myself really care about. BUT, they will affect the game play next season quite a bit. So here are the bullet-points:
- The NCAA Women’s game will now consist of four, 10-minute quarters instead of two, 20-minute halves. This is obviously a tester to see if the men should do it as well. Which makes sense since at NO OTHER LEVEL of basketball except old-man rec hoops, do you play two, 20-minute halves. High School and Pros are four-quarter games.
- Coaches can NO LONGER call timeouts from the sideline during live play. This means only players can be blamed for bad timeouts that ruin their lives.
- The charge-area under the basket will be extended another foot to “reduce collisions at the basket”. Essentially making the charge calls around the basket EVEN harder to get right.
- During the use of a video review to see if a possible flagrant foul occurred, officials can penalize players who fake fouls. They call this the “James Harden Rule”.
- The shot-clock will be reduced from 35 seconds to 30 seconds. Hopefully speeding up the pace of the game and NOT forcing more contested, terrible JR Smith-caliber, 25 foot, close-your-eyes and hope shots at the end of the clock.
- The 5-second closely guarded while dribbling rule has been eliminated. So now, a point guard can stand up top and dribble out the entire 30-second shot clock by himself without ever having to move. I hated this change when they put it in the NBA years ago, it makes no sense to me. In COLLEGE specifically, if I’m a defender on the ball at the top of the key, why would I EVER guard anyone beyond the three-point line now. There’s no advantage as a defender other than gambling for a steal. Taking away the 5-second dribbling violation turns every offense into the 1990’s Mark Jackson, back down your opponent with your HUGE ass, all the way to the paint and then jack up a baby-hook-shot offense. Nobody wants that.
FIFA Executive Member: Lies, Lies and more Lies
Officially, South Africa won the vote to host the 2010 World Cup 14-10. But according to allegations from a FIFA executive committee member, the tally was actually 13-11 in favor of Morocco, and some major bribes and leg-breaking threats for vote-counting led FIFA to announce the fraudulent result of South Africa. According to yet another FIFA executive, there was ANOTHER bribe of $1 million from Morocco but they were double-crossed when South Africa’s bribe was larger. Which makes this photo even more weird and heartbreaking:
Also John Oliver makes good on his bet for Sepp Blatter’s resignation.
Justin Rose: Professional Golf Spectator Assassin
Justin Rose was co-leading the Memorial at Muirfield Village when all of a sudden, on the 18th hole, his bunker shot went all shitty and smacked a spectator (who apparently was not coordinated enough to either SEE the ball or get out of the way) directly IN THE FACE.
There are your highlights to what turned out to be a very decent sports weekend. I’m frightened for the months after the NBA is over and all we have is mid-season baseball highlights and pre-NFL mini-camp talk. Hope you had a good Monday, I leave you with this, my moment of clarity (Daily Show Rip-Off):