SMU Basketball Gets The Bryce Harper Treatment (choked out)

It’s awesome accurate unbelievable to me that the Papelbon choke-job on Bryce Harper for not running out a pop-fly has been turned into such a “Bryce Harper is a douche” diatribe by so many in the last few days.  To quote one of my favorite college basketball teammates: “Anonymous” – “ain’t nobody ABOVE an ass-whoopin”.

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Similarly, another choke-heard-round-the-world (figuratively) has been extended by the NCAA around the mullet-ed, unshaven, revoked scholarship-ed, basketball throat of the SMU Mustangs Men’s Basketball team.

In a statement release by the NCAA:

A former assistant men’s basketball coach encouraged a student-athlete to enroll in an online course to meet NCAA initial eligibility standards and be admitted to the university. After he enrolled in the course, a former men’s basketball administrative assistant obtained the student’s username and password then completed all of his coursework. The student-athlete received fraudulent credit for the course and, as a result, competed while ineligible during his freshman season. When speaking with NCAA enforcement staff, the student-athlete admitted that the former administrative assistant asked him to provide false information during the interview. In its decision, the panel noted it is very troubled that academic advising was administered by athletics staff.

SMU has been smacked with some pretty heavy (weight has nothing to do with it) sanctions, including a one-year postseason ban, scholarship reductions, vacation of wins, and a nine-game suspension for head coach Larry Brown.  ESPN is reporting that the player in question here (that the NCAA has not revealed) is Keith Frazier, who averaged 27 minutes per game, 10 ppg and 4 rpg last season as a sophomore.

Shit.

Well, guys………shit.

 

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Young Muggsy, Already My Favorite Future Point Guard

Samartine Bougues

Meet Samartine Bogues, he goes by the nickname “Fat-Man” and he’s in 5th grade.  He’s got more handles already than most 20 year olds, and oh yeah, he’s Muggsy Bogues’ GRANDSON.  “Fat-Man” already has a youtube-highlight video with over 20,000 views, where he’s carving up little kids like Thanksgiving turkey and I love every second of it.  He’s my new favorite point guard.

You Gotta Be Kidding Me

John Krahn from Martin Luther King (run the media’s coming!) High School in Riverside, CA is 7’0″ and 440lbs of pure, uninhibited, pimply faced-high school Quarter Back-sack-for-a-loss and call an ambulance, sweet Jesus!  The kid is A MOUNTAIN.

Read that again.  7 feet tall and 440 lbs. 

He moves pretty well and seems decently skilled for having recently chosen football only a few years ago over his previous career; training in the Kingdom-guarding arts for House Lannister and House Clegane.

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“I’ve had minimal experience,” Krahn said. “I started in high school, but I’ve trained my way through, going to different camps.”

Krahn told MaxPreps that he’s attempting to shed some pounds by adhering to a 3,000-calorie diet comprised mainly of fish and chicken.

“I have to lose weight, for our team,” he said.

Read more about John here.

Jason Richardson Retired

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Jason Richardson put Golden State back on the map in the early 2000’s, waaaaaay before the “Splash Brothers” and waaaaaay before the Warriors finally got rid of those nasty dark blue shiny rec-league jerseys.

J-Rich was the closest thing to Dominique that we’ve scene in a dunk contest in a long time, combing effortless bounce with incredible force and artistry on every dunk.  When he dunked, the ball screamed like a sorority girl on free-lemon-drop shot-night, as it went through the net barely touching the nylon.

He officially retired yesterday from the NBA after 14 seasons, announcing:

Today is a bitter sweet moment for me. I’m officially announcing my retirement from pro basketball. I like to thank the organizations and fans in Charlotte, Phoenix, Orlando, Philly and especially The Bay Area for their loyal support the past 14 years. Walking away was the hardest decision I had to make but choosing my health and spending time with my family is more important to me! God bless!

Richardson won back-to-back dunk contests in 2002 and 2003, with some nasty between the legs, windmill, and reverse windmill action that even had “His Airness” impressed.

Spanning a 14 year career and 5 teams, J-Rich averaged 17.1 ppg, 5 rebs, 2.7 ast, while shooting 37% from three-point range.  Even though he was never an all-star, he was as solid an all-around, both end of the court type player as you would find at the 2-guard or swing position in the NBA.  Congrats on a great career Jason, we’ll miss ya.

 

A Legend Has Passed

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Yogi Berra, the Yankee legend has passed away at age 90.

I never met Yogi, I never even saw him play baseball in real life.  I’ve only seen highlights of all the Yankee legends of the past, but I can say without a doubt, Yogi was definitely my favorite one.

He was a cultural icon in a way that only stand-up comedians could understand fully.  He was the KING of the one-liners, well he and Rodney Dangerfield……and Henny Youngman and oh maybe Don Rickles too.  But when it came to sports and life philosophy, nobody could touch Yogi’s simple and to the point descriptions of day-to-day occurrences.

The Best One-Liners Courtesy of Yogi Berra

On getting enough rest:  “I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four.”

On getting fan mail:  “Never answer an anonymous letter.”

On Education:  “I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.”

“You can observe a lot by watching.”

On Traveling:  “If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.”

“Why buy good luggage, you only use it when you travel.”

“The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”

“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

On the future:  “The future ain’t what it used to be.”

On social life:  “Nobody goes there anymore, it’s too crowded.”

“It gets late early out here.”

On the weather:  “It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility.

On receiving advice:  “Take it with a grin of salt.”

On finances:  “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”

On baseball: 

“In baseball, you don’t know nothing.”

“We made too many wrong mistakes.”

“So I’m ugly. I never saw anyone hit with his face.”

“If the people don’t want to come out to the ballpark, nobody’s going to stop them.”

“Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”

More about baseball: 

“All pitchers are liars or crybabies.”

“Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.”

“He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious.”

“I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.”

“I can see how he (Sandy Koufax) won 25 games. What I don’t understand is how he lost five.”

“I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary.”

On being a philosopher:    “I didn’t really say everything I said.”

On death and funerals:  “You should always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”

On memories:  “It’s like deja vu all over again.”

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Derek Jeter on Yogi’s passing:

To those who didn’t know Yogi personally, he was one of the greatest baseball players and Yankees of all time. To those lucky ones who did, he was an even better person. To me he was a dear friend and mentor. He will always be remembered for his success on the field, but I believe his finest quality was how he treated everyone with sincerity and kindness. My thoughts and prayers go out to his family and friends.

Cheers to you Yogi, rest in peace; The Henny Youngman of baseball.

Will Ferrell Should Reboot “Battle of the Network Stars”

Will Ferrell should lead a reboot of the “Battle of the Network Stars” immediately.  Put it on HBO so we could hear all the behind-the-scenes-shit-talking between celebrities, shoot it like “HBO – Hard Knocks” and have Christopher Walken host the thing.  Tell me you wouldn’t watch that show?

I mean who wouldn’t wanna see Will Ferrell play Vince Vaughn in badminton?  Or Kevin James race that fat guy from “Mike and Molly” on an obstacle course?!?!

How about Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake vs. Seth Meyers and Andy Samberg in a three-legged race!?!?  Tina Fey vs. Amy Poehler in the javelin throw!?!?  The possibilities are endless.

This is an instant classic waiting to happen and 20-year money-maker for any network.  It gives everything the public wants in a reality game show: celebrities, athletic prowess, comedy, ultra-competitiveness disguised as good, clean fun and most importantly someone to laugh at when they fall down and break a clavicle.

Who Sucks? NFL Edition: Week 2

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Objectively, I must warn you that I am in fact a bit of an idiot (pause for punchline)……….savant, so some of this will only make sense in my head and my head only.  The good news is you can stop reading at any time and go back to your bean-counting or ditch-digging and totally disregard the TRUTH bomb that I’m about to lay all over your face.  Sorry in advance if you’re a Eagles, Bills, Browns or Jags fan.

Who Sucks in the NFL: Week 2 Edition

  1.  Chip Kelly:  You traded and/or released every good player from the Philly roster in the off-season, replacing them with Mr. Glass (Sam Bradford) at QB and even attempted to revive Tim Tebow’s career (Jesus thanks you).  To your credit, you did add last season’s leading rusher, DeMarco Murray.  But you have yet to teach him or any of the other new editions (Bobby Brown) your metaphysical, rainbows and unicorn-based offensive playbook.  DeMarco Murray is on pace for 88 yards rushing…….FOR THE SEASON.  Sam Bradford looks like he forgot which end to hold the football when he goes to throw it and constantly seems to be saying to his receivers, “I thought you were gonna button-hook….” after incompletions.
  2. Pete Carroll and the Seahawks coaching staff:  You traded arguably the best Center in the league for arguably the best Tight End in the league and you refuse to run plays for him or throw him the damn ball.  Jimmy Graham has been targeted 10 times in two games, has 7 catches for 62 yds and 1 TD.  He had 1 catch for 11 yds in week 2 against the Packers and looked like a third-string practice player wandering around the field aimlessly looking for his helmet.  Through two games, 20 tight ends have more receiving yards than he does. Darrell Bevell, the offensive coordinator for Seattle said getting the ball to Jimmy would be a point of emphasis moving forward from week 2.  Really?  It took you two weeks to come to that conclusion?  Jimmy needs the damn ball, JIMMY needs to score TDs, Jimmy’s new in town…..Jimmy doesn’t really know anyone:    
  3. The Jacksonville Jaguars, Cleveland Browns and Buffalo Bills: Seriously, you all suck and you are ruining fantasy football which is even worse than actually sucking ON the football field.  You’ve all been hyped up with “expectations” and “potential” and big tough-guy words (Rex Ryan) during the off-season so much that everyone thought MAYBE some of it was true.  It’s not.  Your fantasy existence is that of an annoying cut on the inside of your mouth that would heal if you could only stop accidentally re-biting it.

    Jags:  Julius Thomas is hurt and will never be healthy, ALL your receivers are a complete and total crap-shoot and utterly undependable on a weekly basis, so is Blake Bortles.


    Browns: Manziel is a trainwreck of a dumpster fire and will be exciting, inconsistent and revolting all at the same time.  In addition, Travis Benjamin is the WORST fantasy receiver of all time (and we’re only 2 weeks in), in two games he’s totaled 6 catches, 204 yds and 3 TDs including 2 of those touchdowns being OVER 50 yard pass plays……yet EVERY analyst out there says “don’t add him, this can’t possibly last it’s a two-game fluke”.  So now that I’ve said that, go ahead and add him to your roster, play him next week and he’ll inevitably put up a ZERO every week for the rest of the season, then you can cry yourself to sleep on your cardboard box-bed since your girlfriend kicked you out of the house for sucking at Fantasy Football.


    Bills:  Rex Ryan may be a fan favorite and a player’s coach, but he needs to shut the hell up.  He’s a bigger distraction to his team then he is an actual coach.  He doesn’t take the spotlight off of the players in order to help them prepare for the next game in a positive way, instead he sucks in bullshit with his giant mouth-hole and becomes a lightning rod of annoying, drunk-uncle speeches.  Anyone else tired of Rex Ryan saying, “This loss is on me”.  Yeah, we know Rex….we know.  Oh, and news flash:  LeSean McCoy isn’t gonna be healthy all season, I can just feel it down in my cockles (and it stings when I pee).

  4.  Dallas Cowboys fans:  Let me explain:  You’ve lost Tony Romo for at least 8 weeks, you’ve lost Dez Bryant for 6-10 weeks depending on which etch-a-sketch sports news report you’re watching, you LOST DeMarco Murray to an inner-division rival and have replaced him with a committee (ANY time there’s a committee, it’s bad news) that’s produced 183 yds and 1 TD rushing between three guys in two games.  I know, I know that’s a better stat than DeMarco’s terrible start to this season…..but that’s on Chip Kelly, DeMarco is a baller and you all know it to be true.  Anyway, you’re about to start Brandon Weeden at QB, who has a career QBR of 73.4 and has a 1-to-1 TD to INT ratio.  On paper, the 2015 season should be over already.  BUT thanks to the NFC East Division: Football For the Underachievers, you’re actually STILL most people’s front-runner to win the division and go to the playoffs.  That’s how bad the NFC East is folks, you can lose your QB, your #1 receiver, your #1 RB and still have a shot at winning the division.  THAT’S why you suck Dallas fans, because you still have something to root for and now all anyone will hear all season is the shoulda-coulda-woulda’s about IF Dez hadn’t got hurt and IF Romo hadn’t got hurt.  Question for you:  What if you trade for RGIII?  Is that something that would interest you?
  5.  Buffalo Bills fans attending home games:  AGAIN, let me explain.  Apparently a fad has become prevalent in Buffalo NY, I can only imagine it’s due to the cold weather and abundance of brown water available in the stadium (adult content below):

    Seriously, what the hell is going on in Buffalo?

  6. Roger Goodell:  Ignoring the obvious multi-billion dollar industry that he runs and the fact that he earns $40 million a year for the job he’s doing.  Basically every fan hates Goodell, and now Tom Effing Brady and the New England Effing Patriots are throwing a big middle finger to the sky and ROLLING through anyone in their way, treading right over Roger Goodell and his beloved “NFL Shield”.  Watch, they’re gonna end up in the Super Bowl again and what happens when/if they win it again?  Is Goodell gonna try to slap ANOTHER badly investigated accusation on them in the off-season??  Does Tom Brady stand up in the post-game with the Lombardi Trophy in one hand and the Super Bowl MVP trophy in the other and tell Goodell, “You get nothing!  You LOSE!  Good day sir!!”           
                Goodell made mistakes in the Ray Rice situation, he made mistakes in handling the Adrian Peterson situation and then double-downed HARD on deflategate but was bitch-slapped by The Golden Boy and the Patriots organization in court.  What’s next?  What’s the encore for 2015?  Gonna decide to come down hard on those pesky, self-medicating marijuana users in the NFL this season (even though it’s legal in almost half the NFL states)?