Who Sucks? NFL Edition: Week 2


Objectively, I must warn you that I am in fact a bit of an idiot (pause for punchline)……….savant, so some of this will only make sense in my head and my head only.  The good news is you can stop reading at any time and go back to your bean-counting or ditch-digging and totally disregard the TRUTH bomb that I’m about to lay all over your face.  Sorry in advance if you’re a Eagles, Bills, Browns or Jags fan.

Who Sucks in the NFL: Week 2 Edition

  1.  Chip Kelly:  You traded and/or released every good player from the Philly roster in the off-season, replacing them with Mr. Glass (Sam Bradford) at QB and even attempted to revive Tim Tebow’s career (Jesus thanks you).  To your credit, you did add last season’s leading rusher, DeMarco Murray.  But you have yet to teach him or any of the other new editions (Bobby Brown) your metaphysical, rainbows and unicorn-based offensive playbook.  DeMarco Murray is on pace for 88 yards rushing…….FOR THE SEASON.  Sam Bradford looks like he forgot which end to hold the football when he goes to throw it and constantly seems to be saying to his receivers, “I thought you were gonna button-hook….” after incompletions.
  2. Pete Carroll and the Seahawks coaching staff:  You traded arguably the best Center in the league for arguably the best Tight End in the league and you refuse to run plays for him or throw him the damn ball.  Jimmy Graham has been targeted 10 times in two games, has 7 catches for 62 yds and 1 TD.  He had 1 catch for 11 yds in week 2 against the Packers and looked like a third-string practice player wandering around the field aimlessly looking for his helmet.  Through two games, 20 tight ends have more receiving yards than he does. Darrell Bevell, the offensive coordinator for Seattle said getting the ball to Jimmy would be a point of emphasis moving forward from week 2.  Really?  It took you two weeks to come to that conclusion?  Jimmy needs the damn ball, JIMMY needs to score TDs, Jimmy’s new in town…..Jimmy doesn’t really know anyone:    
  3. The Jacksonville Jaguars, Cleveland Browns and Buffalo Bills: Seriously, you all suck and you are ruining fantasy football which is even worse than actually sucking ON the football field.  You’ve all been hyped up with “expectations” and “potential” and big tough-guy words (Rex Ryan) during the off-season so much that everyone thought MAYBE some of it was true.  It’s not.  Your fantasy existence is that of an annoying cut on the inside of your mouth that would heal if you could only stop accidentally re-biting it.

    Jags:  Julius Thomas is hurt and will never be healthy, ALL your receivers are a complete and total crap-shoot and utterly undependable on a weekly basis, so is Blake Bortles.

    Browns: Manziel is a trainwreck of a dumpster fire and will be exciting, inconsistent and revolting all at the same time.  In addition, Travis Benjamin is the WORST fantasy receiver of all time (and we’re only 2 weeks in), in two games he’s totaled 6 catches, 204 yds and 3 TDs including 2 of those touchdowns being OVER 50 yard pass plays……yet EVERY analyst out there says “don’t add him, this can’t possibly last it’s a two-game fluke”.  So now that I’ve said that, go ahead and add him to your roster, play him next week and he’ll inevitably put up a ZERO every week for the rest of the season, then you can cry yourself to sleep on your cardboard box-bed since your girlfriend kicked you out of the house for sucking at Fantasy Football.

    Bills:  Rex Ryan may be a fan favorite and a player’s coach, but he needs to shut the hell up.  He’s a bigger distraction to his team then he is an actual coach.  He doesn’t take the spotlight off of the players in order to help them prepare for the next game in a positive way, instead he sucks in bullshit with his giant mouth-hole and becomes a lightning rod of annoying, drunk-uncle speeches.  Anyone else tired of Rex Ryan saying, “This loss is on me”.  Yeah, we know Rex….we know.  Oh, and news flash:  LeSean McCoy isn’t gonna be healthy all season, I can just feel it down in my cockles (and it stings when I pee).

  4.  Dallas Cowboys fans:  Let me explain:  You’ve lost Tony Romo for at least 8 weeks, you’ve lost Dez Bryant for 6-10 weeks depending on which etch-a-sketch sports news report you’re watching, you LOST DeMarco Murray to an inner-division rival and have replaced him with a committee (ANY time there’s a committee, it’s bad news) that’s produced 183 yds and 1 TD rushing between three guys in two games.  I know, I know that’s a better stat than DeMarco’s terrible start to this season…..but that’s on Chip Kelly, DeMarco is a baller and you all know it to be true.  Anyway, you’re about to start Brandon Weeden at QB, who has a career QBR of 73.4 and has a 1-to-1 TD to INT ratio.  On paper, the 2015 season should be over already.  BUT thanks to the NFC East Division: Football For the Underachievers, you’re actually STILL most people’s front-runner to win the division and go to the playoffs.  That’s how bad the NFC East is folks, you can lose your QB, your #1 receiver, your #1 RB and still have a shot at winning the division.  THAT’S why you suck Dallas fans, because you still have something to root for and now all anyone will hear all season is the shoulda-coulda-woulda’s about IF Dez hadn’t got hurt and IF Romo hadn’t got hurt.  Question for you:  What if you trade for RGIII?  Is that something that would interest you?
  5.  Buffalo Bills fans attending home games:  AGAIN, let me explain.  Apparently a fad has become prevalent in Buffalo NY, I can only imagine it’s due to the cold weather and abundance of brown water available in the stadium (adult content below):

    Seriously, what the hell is going on in Buffalo?

  6. Roger Goodell:  Ignoring the obvious multi-billion dollar industry that he runs and the fact that he earns $40 million a year for the job he’s doing.  Basically every fan hates Goodell, and now Tom Effing Brady and the New England Effing Patriots are throwing a big middle finger to the sky and ROLLING through anyone in their way, treading right over Roger Goodell and his beloved “NFL Shield”.  Watch, they’re gonna end up in the Super Bowl again and what happens when/if they win it again?  Is Goodell gonna try to slap ANOTHER badly investigated accusation on them in the off-season??  Does Tom Brady stand up in the post-game with the Lombardi Trophy in one hand and the Super Bowl MVP trophy in the other and tell Goodell, “You get nothing!  You LOSE!  Good day sir!!”           
                Goodell made mistakes in the Ray Rice situation, he made mistakes in handling the Adrian Peterson situation and then double-downed HARD on deflategate but was bitch-slapped by The Golden Boy and the Patriots organization in court.  What’s next?  What’s the encore for 2015?  Gonna decide to come down hard on those pesky, self-medicating marijuana users in the NFL this season (even though it’s legal in almost half the NFL states)?

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