NFL Week 6 Review – AFC Edition

If I told you 2 months ago that we’d have five unbeaten teams going into week 7 of the NFL season, how many NON-Panther fans and NON-Bengals fans would’ve included Carolina and Cincinnati in that discussion?

Ummmmm, “What is ZERO, Alex? “.

ferrellsnl

Five remaining unbeatens:  the New England Patriots, Cincinnati Bengals, Denver Broncos, Green Bay Packers and Carolina Panthers.

AFC break-down:

Screen Shot 2015-10-19 at 9.39.17 AM

Screen Shot 2015-10-19 at 9.40.24 AM

Screen Shot 2015-10-19 at 9.41.02 AM

Since I’m a football addict constantly feenin for more grid-iron talk, (I got these cheeseburgers maaaaan) and I assume you all are too, let’s dive into each division and peak into the Narnia that is the NFL playoff picture.  The good (Patriots), the bad (Chiefs), and the ugly (Eagles).

AFC East

uspw_5964964-1

“Then I was like, NO I DON’T want cinnamon drizzle on my frappuccino “.

No real surprise here, the New England Patriots keep rolling on their “Eff-You Goodell Tour 2015”, growing stronger week by week like a “Secret of the Ooze” – football version of Bebop and Rocksteady, chemically enhanced super-destroyers of all things NFL.

Brady and Belichick play the role of Darth Vader and The Emperor perfectly as they devise maniacal schemes time and time again, to eliminate the rebel scum of the AFC East on a weekly Star Wars-ian basis.  The Pats are 2nd in the NFL in point differential (+80), 1st in the  NFL in points scored (36.6 ppg) and 9th in the NFL in points given up (20.6 ppg), fully implementing the “bend, don’t break” defensive strategy that New England has perfected over the last 10 years.

The only semi-surprise in the division is the J-E-T-S Jets, Jets, JETS!

Sitting pretty indefense-NY-Jets second place at 4-1, the Jets are building  something competitive (minus an actual long-term QB answer) that will inevitably (according to my Jets-friends) crumble and fall like an ill-advised pull from a Jenga tower.  Leaving fans of the Gang Green sad-drunk and mumbling, “tha fuggin Jets did it again”.

AFC North

The Cincinnati Big-Striped-Cats are on a roll and no one seems to be paying any attention to them!  The Bengals are 4th in the NFL in points scored (30.3 ppg), 8th in the NFL in points given up (20.3 ppg) and 3rd in the NFL in points differential (+60).

dalton-bond

Andy “Timothy” Dalton – AKA James Bond Double-0-Negative

Andy “Big Red” Dalton is LEADING THE NFL in overall QBR…..read that again.  He leads the NFL in QBR at 84.2!!Screen Shot 2015-10-19 at 11.02.52 AM

Sitting firmly in first place at 6-0, the forgettable formidable Bengals are  positioning themselves as real contenders in the AFC, if “contenders” means losing in the first round of the playoffs and letting all their fans down yet again (lost in the Wild Card game the last 4 seasons).  The only real competition in the North is the Pittsburgh Steelers, who are missing their All-Pro QB and lover of all women, Ben Roethlisberger.  With zombie-Mike Vick slinging the ball, how far can they really go?

AFC South

Currently known as the dumpster-fire division or what some are calling the “AFC South-End of a North-bound horse” division.  Seriously, the AFC South is so bad…..(how bad is it?) the AFC South is so bad, when they told their therapist they had low self-esteem…the therapist said, “don’t worry about it, you’re not worth it anyway”.

chevy-chase-and-rodney-dangerfield-caddyshack

I tell ya, I get no respect.

The Indianapolis Colts are in first place in the division with an UGLY 3-3 record.  How ugly is it?  (Rodney Dangerfield voice) The Colts’ 3-3 record is so ugly……prison wardens use it to cure sex offenders.  BOOM!

Oh, and the Colts invented a new strategy we’ve seldom seen before in the NFL: the ever-faithful, “I give up, I’ll just fall down so you can have the ball back” strategy otherwise known as the “Oakland Raiders Playbook”.  Seriously, this is the single weirdest/dumbest/most head-scratching football play anyone has ever seen.

This fake punt that the Colts perpetrated on us wouldn’t even make it into a bad Disney-football movie about a high school team who goes against their jerk-coach’s wishes (played by Jon Voight obviously) and decides to lose games on purpose until the coaching staff and small-minded, back-woods community lets a girl (played by the youngest Stark daughter in GOT, you know the assassin-girl?) play quarterback since she is the best choice for the job, regardless of gender.  Disney has too much pride to let this play into THAT film….and yet, the Colts ran it on live TV on Sunday.

reminder: these are professional athletes and coaches…

What a tremendous piece of poop.

Andrew Luck and his neck-salad haven’t quite hit their stride yet to say the least, but there’s still a lot of season left to go and rest assured the Colts will be in the mix for the AFC title game in about 12 weeks.  No one else in this division is really worth talking about yet, maaaaaaaaaybe the Texans can turn the corner and become relevant again if Arian Foster remains healthy (that’s a big-ass IF).

AFC West

FSL_ND_UncleRico_02262014

OMAHA! Set, OMAHA!

First of all, to all the Peyton  Manning haters who think his arm is a piece of al-dente’ spaghetti attached to a skinny-legged, wounded ostrich body…..you’re probably right.  But that doesn’t mean that Uncle Rico can’t still win some football games and take home that state championship trophy!  I STILL bet ya Peyton can throw it over them mountains!  No doubt in my mind, no doubt.

The Denver Broncos (home town bias coming) are the best and worst 6-0 team in the NFL right now with the BEST chance to win their division and gain home field advantage in the playoffs.  Let me explain….

PROS: 

  1. The division is down, the Raiders are inconsistent and young.  The Chiefs are a trainwreck on puke-wheels (Andy Reid fired?), and the Chargers are the same Chargers that haven’t made it to an AFC title game post-Ladanian Tomlinson.
    1. The defense is tremendous, championship caliber and deep at nearly every position.  Only giving up 17 ppg on average, ranked #1 in total take-aways and #1 in overall give/take differential.          Denver’s defense is #1 overall in Defense Effeciency Rating (what?): Screen Shot 2015-10-19 at 6.33.03 PM
  2. The Broncos’ receivers are incredible, Demaryius Thomas and Emmanuel Sanders are both making Peyton look decent MOST of the time (which is a small miracle).  The team is 8th in total receptions, and middle of the pack in receiving TDs, yardage and yards per catch.  Though the stats aren’t as outrageous as they’ve been in past years, Peyton and his boys are winning games.
  3. It’s a long season, the offense can ONLY get better.  Sweet god in heaven, I hope it can’t get worse.

CONS:

  1. Uncle Rico Manning has thrown MULTIPLE interceptions in all of the last three games.  In fact, he’s thrown 2 TDs and 7 Ints in the month of October.  Peyton hasn’t had MORE Ints than TDs at any stretch during a regular season since his rookie year.
  2. Aside from Peyton’s spaghetti arm, Denver’s rushing game is stagnant to say the least.  As a team, the Broncos are ranked 25th in rushing, averaging 72 ypg and only scoring 2 TDs all year.
  3. The Broncos miss Julius Thomas and Wes Welker more than anyone is admitting to.  Not only did they add depth to the receiving core, but those two players SPECIFICALLY were Peyton’s safety release valves.  With 4 viable options to catch passes on the field at once last season, I COULD HAVE RUN for 1,000 yds rushing on the season.  There were mismatches all over the field all the time.

The rest of the AFC West is battling for a distant second place, the Raiders and Chargers are both Jekyl and Hyde week to week, there’s no telling what kind of schizophrenic team will show up.

I LOVE CHOCOLATE MILK!

I LOVE CHOCOLATE MILK!

San Diego poses the largest threat to dethrone the Broncos in the west with a passing attack that ranks 1st in passing, but 15th in scoring.  The return of Antonio Gates will help with red zone scores no doubt, but unless they can figure out a running game to go with it, the unbalanced air game will only yield some excitement before the Lightning Bolts fans return to the beach and the winter surf.

Next up, the NFC and it’s miserable fictitious cluster-F%$# of mediocrity that wishes to be Green Bay.

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