NFL Playoff Picks & Predictions – Degenerate Gambler Edition

Casino De Niro

What a weekend we have ahead of us huh!?!!?  Vegas is humming like the north-end of a south-bound lady-of-the-night making her living behind dive bars and strip clubs in the old part of downtown.  THIS IS FOOTBALL BABY!

Ya bunch of degenerate, gambling, Draft Kings-Fan Duel flunkies!  Let’s get it ON!

NFL history was made last weekend, I beat my previous record of 100 beers in 36 hours (2.78 BPH) with a staggering NEW HIGH-SCORE rate of 3.1 BPH (beers per hour) as I screamed into the TV on Sunday night with great conviction: “Fuggin Redskins are racists, the helmets prove it!  A-A-Ron is so good though, and he’s bangin that orie-asian lady on the TV-movies…..who’s her name?  LLLhonda LLousey?”  

I’m told that it all went downhill from there,  I remember darkness and a vague recollection of porcelain pressed against my cheeks.  Take that for what it’s worth.

toilet-drunk

Last weekend, for the first time ever, all four road teams were victorious in the same playoff round.  So, what the hell does that mean for this weekend’s games?  NOTHING.  Not a damn thing.  What a stupid question.  Seriously, we’re all now dumber for you asking that question.

Having said that, here’s your predictions for the Divisional round of the playoffs:

Chiefs @ Patriots

The Pats are a 4-point favorite in this one, playing at home in a divisional playoff game…and last time I checked they STILL have Tom Brady and the Mad Genius Bill Belichick at the helm.  They get Julian Edelman back this week from a 7-week injury hiatus.  The Patriots haven’t lost a home playoff game since 2012, and  IT’S THE FAHHHKKKINNNN PATRIOTS!  Are you kiddin me!?!?

PATS by 7 for the win and the cover.

BB and TFB

Packers @ Cardinals

Arizona is a 7-point favorite in this matchup.  BET THE HOUSE ON ARIZONA COVERING this spread.  Are you kidding me!?!?  Two weeks ago the Cards put the Discount Double-Check on the Packers 38-8 and made Aaron Rodgers look like Charlie Brown’s special-needs cousin (Lenny Brown).  Seriously, Rodgers was on his ass more than a quadriplegic bobsledder in that game.

Cards by 17 for the win and MORE than the cover.

Arizona-Cardinals-Cheerleaders

Seahawks @ Panthers

Carolina is a 1-point favorite, playing at home in the house that Cam built.  THIS is the game of the weekend.  Last week’s Seattle “win” (The Vikings lost that game) in Minnesota was a a disgusting display of football played in the worst conditions I’ve seen since Sylvester Stalone was hanging off that icey-thundra of a cliff in that action flick back in the 90s……what was that movie called?  “Rock Climber”?  Yeah, that’s it.

A few GREAT plays by Russell Wilson saved the Seahawks from Mother Nature and the Vikings.  He’s a MAAAAAAAGIC MAAANNNNNN.  Who’s air is this?  It’s Russell Wilson’s air:

OG_20140901_ACT_Russell-Wilson

Carolina’s dream-season will end this weekend ladies and germs.  I love me some Cam Newton, but they’re gonna run out of steam and the dabbin will be extremely Seahawk-one-sided on Sunday.  Seattle’s experience and winning formula is gonna prove to be too much meat for Carolina’s hot sauce.

Oh yeah, did I mention that Beast Mode is back?

Seahawks by 4 for the win and the cover.

Dec 9, 2012; Seattle, WA, USA; Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman (25) is accompanied by safety Kim Chancellor (31) and free safety Earl Thomas (31) on a 19-yard interception return for a touchdown against the Arizona Cardinals at CenturyLink Field. Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-USA TODAY Sports

Steelers @ Broncos

Denver is the 7.5-point favorite in this one, playing at home in the Mile HIGH (weed) City.  “Ain’t no mountain HIGH (weed) enough, Ain’t no river LOW (Steelers) enough, Ain’t no river WIDE (point spread) enough……to keep me from getting to YOU (Broncos) babe (weed).”

The Steelers are INCAPACITATED by injuries.

Antonio Brown=OUT

DeAngelo Williams=OUT

L’Veon Bell=OUT

Big Ben=PROBABLE.

Roethlisberger is an ogre of a man and apparently doesn’t need knees, shoulders or even arms to play football.  If the NFL was the Academy Award Nominated Film “The Revenant”, then Big Ben would be the Mama Bear that kicks the shit outta Leonardo DiCapprio and leaves him for dead.  In that same scenario, does that make the Bengals Leonardo DiCapprio?  Hmmmmmmmm, interested sub-topic brewing…….

bear

Even though the Broncos Quarter Back situation is a tad bit……um…….sketchy?  I still take Denver’s defense and the hopeful ability to run the ball over the completely emasculated Steelers.  Denver has weapons on the outside that can make plays even if Peyton can’t throw the ball more than 15 yards, and the Denver running game has started to find it’s stride the last few weeks.  Denver has tallied up 325 total rushing yards in the last two games, 2 rushing TDs and a very decent yard per carry average at 6.37.

Broncos by 10 for the win and the cover.

BRONCOS_TEXANS_JADSC_1241

So if you’re counting fingers and toes at home, that’s New England win and cover, Arizona win and cover, Seattle win and cover,  and Denver win and cover.  Four games, all spreads covered.

No go forth to love and serve the football gods.  Praise be to cheerleaders with short skirts and questionable morals.

I_3681b2_1316913

 

Pacman Jones Owes An Apology

Adam “Pacman” Jones opens his mouth a lot, so much that even Kathy Griffin would agree that he could maybe sit out a few plays……seriously, drop the mic.

After Vontaze Burfict’s illegal hit on Antonio Brown in last week’s Wild Card Playoff game, Pacman claimed that Antonio Brown was faking his concussion/injury and deserved an Academy nomination for his performance (which would make Brown the only non-white actor nominated for Best Actor this year, I mean seriously come on Academy Awards get it together).

“Man, that (expletive) was (expletive) acting. He flopped. He needs a (expletive) Academy Award for that performance.”  Said Pacman Jones….

Pacman took to social media on his ride home after the 18-16 loss to the Steelers:

Then on the Dan Patrick Show, Pacman called Antonio Brown out for faking his injury:

Jones said he would apologize to Brown if the Pittsburgh wideout doesn’t play in his team’s divisional playoff against the Broncos.  But Jones stayed strong in his stance that Brown winked at him, and pointed to Brown’s Snapchat account as proof that he’s fine.

CUT TO:

Friday, January 15th ESPN Headline

Steelers WR Antonio Brown (concussion) out against Broncos

Now the sports world waits in full attention and suspense on an “apology” from Adam Pacman Jones.  The clock tics…..as the world turns.

And The Academy Award Goes Too……

–originally posted on deadspin.com–

If The Oscars Nominated Good Movies, They Wouldn’t Be The Oscars

If The Oscars Nominated Good Movies, They Wouldn't Be The Oscars

For 363 days a year, nobody gives a fuck about the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Today is one of the two remaining days, when suckers care—and other suckers pretend to care—about who gets nominated for the Oscars, which are worthless trash and always have been.

So today is the day for rounding up the snubs. The great director, who has never won an Oscar, was not even nominated for directing that great film. The other great directors didn’t get directing nominations, either. The fantastic genre pictures were left out of the prestige categories. And, of course, there was an incredible lack of diversity among the 20 performers—all of them white—nominated for the four acting awards: “a big problem,” as The New Republic’s Grierson and Leitch, formerly of Deadspin, wrote. A problem for whom? Certainly not for people flogging the fiction of this gross party for celebrities as something worthy of your attention!

All of this registers differently when you consider what the Academy Awards really are. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the organization that awards Oscars, is a bullshit invitation-only honorary society of a few thousand Hollywood assholes, and Hollywood is a provincial shithole populated almost exclusively by stupid, vain people with bad taste. The Academy Awards exist—and have only ever existed—for the express purpose of celebrating the aspirational sensibilities of these people, just about the most despicable group of human beings west of Congress. These are the people who found Driving Miss Daisy important and Do the Right Thing unmentionable, carrying the legacy of forebears who just didn’t think Howard Hawks and Alfred Hitchcock measured up.

The leading complaint today is that all 20 performers nominated for the four acting awards are white, as they were last year. That is not a betrayal of the mission of the Oscars, though; it’s an accurate representation of the fact that these are the awards of the backward establishment of a backward industry. In a sane world, fans would complain when their favorite films, filmmakers, and performers did get Oscar nominations. If you loved Carol, which didn’t get nominated for Best Picture, congratulations: As of today, it officially is not the same kind of movie as Forrest Gump. The milquetoast taste, bigotry, and self-regard the nominations reveal has been on abundant display every single day for more than 80 years, in your local cineplex, in the form of the movies these industry clowns crank out every week. How can you act surprised by this, let alone offended? Placing value on those same clowns’ choice of movies to award is precisely like rending your shirt because your favorite restaurant didn’t make Guy Fieri’s list of top places to eat.

Take a scroll through the history of Academy Award nominees and winners. The Academy routinely gives its highest award, Best Picture, not just to the second- or third-best movies on offer at the expense of better ones, or to safe movies at the expense of daring ones, or to white-friendly ones at the expense of ones less representative of Hollywood’s institutional racial homogeneity, but to actual bad movies—movies that are shitty all on their own, measured not just against their competition but against any reasonable ideas of what makes a movie good.

Driving Miss Daisy’s designation as Best Picture of 1989 is ludicrous not because a better, more ambitious, and more honest movie like Do the Right Thing didn’t get nominated, but because Driving Miss Daisy is maudlin, trite, insulting, and hamfisted. It neither attempted or achieved anything of value in the field of filmmaking. If it had been 1989’s most meritorious film (it so wasn’t) the appropriate response would have been to cancel the awards show altogether and replace it with a dark night of repentance and apology. The Academy actively loved it. The Academy is trash.

Here is the thing. Beyond a certain point—and that March 1990 show that crowned Driving Miss Daisy was only one of many that should have been it—continuing to treat Academy Award nominations (and even victories) as though they certify anything worth pursuing—whether excellence in film or, more horrifyingly, social progress and inclusivity—is granting the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences a power it freely tossed in the garbage long before any of this year’s nominees were born. Choosing to grant the Academy that power while simultaneously complaining about its misuse of it is absurd on its face.

More than absurd, it’s dishonest. Every March, the public gathers to cop a pose of ironic detachment and tweet about the clothing choices, weird facial expressions, and clueless stupidity of the morons, lunatics, and vain twits featured on the Academy Awards telecast everybody’s watching. Two months before that, it gesticulates in angst because those very same morons, lunatics, and vain twits haven’t portrayed the Hollywood film industry as smarter or less racist or less sexist than it actually is via their choice of favorite movies. It’s a thing to care about for the sole purpose of griping about how unworthy it is of being cared about. Whose interests are served by this?

For more than 80 years the Academy has demonstrated as publicly as possible—which is to say, more publicly than just about anything shy of the Super Bowl in any given year—that what it does is give trophies to industry insiders who make mediocre, respectably-dressed middlebrow studio films grooved to flatter a certain privileged, blithely liberal-ish sensibility shared by their peers. Anyone old enough to buy a ticket to any of this year’s Best Picture nominees is old enough to know this, and to expect it, and to treat this grotesque annual self-congratulation party held by reprehensible morons like exactly the small, irrelevant, provincial curio it always has been. Probably their doing so would not fix the film industry’s structural flaws and biases and injustices. But if treating the Academy Awards like they matter could do that, it would have by now.