What a weekend we have ahead of us huh!?!!? Vegas is humming like the north-end of a south-bound lady-of-the-night making her living behind dive bars and strip clubs in the old part of downtown. THIS IS FOOTBALL BABY!
Ya bunch of degenerate, gambling, Draft Kings-Fan Duel flunkies! Let’s get it ON!
NFL history was made last weekend, I beat my previous record of 100 beers in 36 hours (2.78 BPH) with a staggering NEW HIGH-SCORE rate of 3.1 BPH (beers per hour) as I screamed into the TV on Sunday night with great conviction: “Fuggin Redskins are racists, the helmets prove it! A-A-Ron is so good though, and he’s bangin that orie-asian lady on the TV-movies…..who’s her name? LLLhonda LLousey?”
I’m told that it all went downhill from there, I remember darkness and a vague recollection of porcelain pressed against my cheeks. Take that for what it’s worth.
Last weekend, for the first time ever, all four road teams were victorious in the same playoff round. So, what the hell does that mean for this weekend’s games? NOTHING. Not a damn thing. What a stupid question. Seriously, we’re all now dumber for you asking that question.
Having said that, here’s your predictions for the Divisional round of the playoffs:
Chiefs @ Patriots
The Pats are a 4-point favorite in this one, playing at home in a divisional playoff game…and last time I checked they STILL have Tom Brady and the Mad Genius Bill Belichick at the helm. They get Julian Edelman back this week from a 7-week injury hiatus. The Patriots haven’t lost a home playoff game since 2012, and IT’S THE FAHHHKKKINNNN PATRIOTS! Are you kiddin me!?!?
PATS by 7 for the win and the cover.
Packers @ Cardinals
Arizona is a 7-point favorite in this matchup. BET THE HOUSE ON ARIZONA COVERING this spread. Are you kidding me!?!? Two weeks ago the Cards put the Discount Double-Check on the Packers 38-8 and made Aaron Rodgers look like Charlie Brown’s special-needs cousin (Lenny Brown). Seriously, Rodgers was on his ass more than a quadriplegic bobsledder in that game.
Cards by 17 for the win and MORE than the cover.
Seahawks @ Panthers
Carolina is a 1-point favorite, playing at home in the house that Cam built. THIS is the game of the weekend. Last week’s Seattle “win” (The Vikings lost that game) in Minnesota was a a disgusting display of football played in the worst conditions I’ve seen since Sylvester Stalone was hanging off that icey-thundra of a cliff in that action flick back in the 90s……what was that movie called? “Rock Climber”? Yeah, that’s it.
A few GREAT plays by Russell Wilson saved the Seahawks from Mother Nature and the Vikings. He’s a MAAAAAAAGIC MAAANNNNNN. Who’s air is this? It’s Russell Wilson’s air:
Carolina’s dream-season will end this weekend ladies and germs. I love me some Cam Newton, but they’re gonna run out of steam and the dabbin will be extremely Seahawk-one-sided on Sunday. Seattle’s experience and winning formula is gonna prove to be too much meat for Carolina’s hot sauce.
Oh yeah, did I mention that Beast Mode is back?
Seahawks by 4 for the win and the cover.
Steelers @ Broncos
Denver is the 7.5-point favorite in this one, playing at home in the Mile HIGH (weed) City. “Ain’t no mountain HIGH (weed) enough, Ain’t no river LOW (Steelers) enough, Ain’t no river WIDE (point spread) enough……to keep me from getting to YOU (Broncos) babe (weed).”
The Steelers are INCAPACITATED by injuries.
Roethlisberger is an ogre of a man and apparently doesn’t need knees, shoulders or even arms to play football. If the NFL was the Academy Award Nominated Film “The Revenant”, then Big Ben would be the Mama Bear that kicks the shit outta Leonardo DiCapprio and leaves him for dead. In that same scenario, does that make the Bengals Leonardo DiCapprio? Hmmmmmmmm, interested sub-topic brewing…….
Even though the Broncos Quarter Back situation is a tad bit……um…….sketchy? I still take Denver’s defense and the hopeful ability to run the ball over the completely emasculated Steelers. Denver has weapons on the outside that can make plays even if Peyton can’t throw the ball more than 15 yards, and the Denver running game has started to find it’s stride the last few weeks. Denver has tallied up 325 total rushing yards in the last two games, 2 rushing TDs and a very decent yard per carry average at 6.37.
Broncos by 10 for the win and the cover.
So if you’re counting fingers and toes at home, that’s New England win and cover, Arizona win and cover, Seattle win and cover, and Denver win and cover. Four games, all spreads covered.
No go forth to love and serve the football gods. Praise be to cheerleaders with short skirts and questionable morals.