The NBA Woke Up Today With A SERIOUS Hangover

While most of us were swilling BUD HEAVY and eating grilled animal flesh of some sort over the holiday weekend, the NBA was all a flutter with player movement and drama that only a single and ready -to-mingle Kardashian could keep up with.

NBA teams shotgun-chugged multi-year contracts like a freshman pledge class at “Delta Tau Chi” during a toga party.  “Was it over when Durant announced he’s destroying OKC’s chances of ever winning a championship?  HELL NO…..and it ain’t over now.”     

Durant made the announcement official early Monday morning, the Golden State Warriors had just walked away with the prettiest girl at the NBA Free Agency’s version of The Enchantment Under The Sea Dance.   Kevin Durant did what most thought had very little chance of happening, leave OKC for greener pastures out west and thus crushing the Thunder’s hopes of EVER winning an NBA championship. With Durant gone, you can set your watch to the fact that Russell Westbrook is sure to follow somewhere new.

The possible landing spots for Westbrook are as endless as The Game Of Thrones non-talking scenes between C-level characters  (seriously, the show will go for 20+ years and we’ll never really know what’s going on).  Westbrook is a free agent after next season, ergo: (fancy words)….if OKC wants anything for him, they need to trade him as soon as possible, the barometer points towards Russell leaving at the end of next season anyway, thus leaving OKC high and dry like a pot-head drinking good chardonnay.



Possible landing spots for Westbrook:

  • Los Angeles Lakers:PG: Russell Westbrook SG: Jordan Clarkson SF: Luol Deng PF: Julius Randle C: Timofey Mozgov  —  I mean, Westbrook’s an LA guy but this team would AT BEST creep around the 5-6th playoff spot in the west right?  Brandon Ingram and D’Angelo (his nickname should be “Can You Hear Me Now?”) Russell off the bench?  Westbrook could average a triple-double, but the west is still as tough a conference as we’ve ever seen.  And if we’re talking about a trade, I seriously doubt OKC would pull the trigger just to basically make a conference competitor instantly BETTER?
  • Miami Heat:  Dwayne Wade wants out (**update: and now he’s gone), but I have a feeling Pat Riley will make the money right to keep him in South Beach.  Westbrook combined with D-Wade, Chris Bosh (healthy?), Hassan Whiteside and Goran Dragic would yield some wins in the eastern conference, could they be better than Cleveland?  One thing for sure, they’d be fun as hell to watch play, even D-Wade may have yet another rebirth.
  • Houston Rockets:  Two seasons ago the Rockets were in the Western Conference Finals!  Two seasons ago!!!  Now they’re a shell of a roster, PG: Patrick Beverly SG: James Harden SF: Trevor Ariza PF: Montrez Harrell C: Clint Capela………WOW.  With Dwight Howard gone, the locker room cancer has been diminished, but who the hell are the Rockets anymore?  Harden and Westbrook reunited!?!?  And it feeeeels so goooood.

Over the last week, NBA teams have spent more money on undeserving 3rd and 4th tier place-holders than CBS does in their “Comedy Line-up”. 

Screen Shot 2016-07-07 at 5.42.52 PM


These most obvious boner moves of the off-season will make you quit your job, stand out in front of the closest NBA front office and demand a try-out immediately.

  • Ryan Anderson 4 years $80 million with the Houston Rockets.  $20 million a year for a bench/role player/occasional starter who averages 13.6 ppg and 5.4 rpg for his career.
  • Harrison Barnes 4 years $94 million with the Dallas Mavericks.  We all knew Barnes would get a decent deal and have to leave Golden State, but did you see him in the playoffs this season? Is that worth $23.5 million a year for a 4th option scorer that disappears in the playoffs?
  • Nicolas Batum (I’m gonna soil myself) 5 years $120 million to STAY in Charlotte with the Hornets!  $24 million per year for 5 years on a guy who will NEVER be an all-star?  Screen Shot 2016-07-07 at 5.50.30 PM
  • Bradley Beal 5 years $130 million to stay in Washington with the Wizards.  I mean, sure……Beal is a decent scorer and a good shooter.  He’s a legit starting 2-guard in the NBA.  Probably not an all-star any time soon, and probably won’t play more than 3/4 of the season?  He’s missed 81 regular season games in his career due to injuries, that’s almost 25% for you math-a-letes out there.
  • Mike Conley 5 years $153 million to stay in Memphis with the Grizzlies.  Mike Conley may be the most underrated PG in the league, but NOT ANYMORE.  I’d say he’s about $153 million – rated now!  WOW.
  • Mathew Dellavedova 4 years $38 million with the Milwaukee Bucks.  “Milwaukee: The Better Cleveland?”
  • Evan Fournier 5 years $85 million to stay in Orlando.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  At this point you may be asking yourself, “who the hell is Evan Fournier?”.  My answer to you would be, “EXACTLY.” 
    THIS fuckin guy? $85 million?

    THIS fuckin guy? $85 million?


  • Timofey Mozgof 4 years $64 million with the Los Angeles Lakers.  I’m getting close to stopping, I just can’t go on anymore.  My eyes are starting to cross and I’m about to lose control of the voices in my head.
  • Chandler Parsons 4 years $98 million with the Memphis Grizzlies.  OK, I can’t do it anymore.  I’m done, seriously, I’m done.    Screen Shot 2016-07-07 at 6.07.29 PM

I’ll give him $98 million to NEVER do this again.

I hope the NBA is feeling better today, pop some Advil, drink some Pedilyte and scarf down a breakfast burrito cause there’s NBA summer league to watch.  I’ll be hungover for the next 4 months trying to forget about these ridiculous contracts and overpaid role players.  But I regret nothing………..oh, and congrats to the city of Cleveland.  You guys aren’t worse than Milwaukee anymore.


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