Former Dallas Cowboys WR, Lucky Whitehead Might Be The Most Unlucky Guy In The NFL

The Dallas Cowboys cut third-year wide receiver Lucky Whitehead yesterday after news surfaced that he had missed a July court hearing after being arrested for shoplifting from a Virginia convenience store on June 22.  The big problem with this is that it wasn’t ACTUALLY him that was arrested.

Immediately, Whitehead’s agent called bullshit on the situation.  Citing that Whitehead was not in Virginia at the time of the crime, and that news of his arrest came down to a case of mistaken identity. Arrest records showed that whoever was booked in Prince William County for petit larceny on June 22nd gave Whitehead’s name, birthday and social security number to cops.

This morning, Prince William County Sgt. Jonathan Perok gave a statement admitting that Whitehead was in fact not ( a marine biologist) the man arrested on June 22nd.  The criminal genius who was arrested in the parking lot didn’t have an ID, so he gave cops Whitehead’s birthday and social security number.

Upon reviewing the June 22, 2017 arrest of an individual named “Rodney Darnell Whitehead, Jr.”, the police department is confident that the man charged with petit larceny, and who is subsequently being sought on an active warrant for failure to appear in court, is not Lucky Whitehead of the Dallas Cowboys.

The man charged on the morning of June 22 was not in possession of identification at the time of the encounter; however, did verbally provide identifying information to officers, which included a name, date of birth, and social security number matching that of Rodney Darnell Whitehead, Jr. Officers then checked this information through the Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) database. The DMV photo on file was then used to compare to the man who was in custody. Officers acted in good faith that, at the time, the man in custody was the same man matching the information provided.

At this point, the police department is also confident in confirming that Mr. Whitehead’s identify was falsely provided to police during the investigation. The police department is currently seeking the identity of the man involved in the incident. Since the identifying information provided by the arrestee during the investigation was apparently false, the police department is working with the Prince William County Commonwealth Attorney’s Office to clear Mr. Whitehead from this investigation. The police department regrets the impact these events had on Mr. Whitehead and his family.

Whitehead has probably had the worst, strangest, most random off-season of an NFL summer in recent memory.  First, he lost his dog in a bizarre ransom, dog stealing operation, then he was cut a week later by the Cowboys over this legal misunderstanding.  The Cowboys supposedly cut him because of the “totality of dumb stuff” that filled his offseason, a conclusion that I must remind you came from Whitehead getting a dog stolen/ransomed and also being the victim of identity theft.

Garrett’s statement after the release also stressed the moral standards the Cowboys aim to uphold:

“There’s a certain way that we want to handle ourselves on and off the field. There’s a standard that we have,” Garrett said. “We believe very strongly in adhering to those standards and trying to uphold them each and every day in everything that we do.

“When you have someone in your program, in this environment, in this structure, and they don’t grow and develop and they make the same mistakes over and over again, it’s time to move on.”

First thing f&^%kin last on this whole situation, Whitehead (seemingly) had NOTHING to do with either of these extremely random situations.  If the Cowboys are trying to make a statement to the rest of the team about “appropriate behavior”, then they failed miserably.  This would be like punishing your dog because your moron-entitled-bullshit cat took a dump on your pillow while you were at the dog park (with the dog).  To quote the great American philosopher, Biff Tannen:

“That makes about as much sense as a screen door on a battleship”

Meanwhile, the Cowboys organization is hiding behind “morally” cutting Whitehead for absolutely no reason at all instead of just being honest and saying that he’s the 4th receiver on the depth chart and more than likely will be replaced by week 2 anyway.  The real fact is that this remains an organization with a high tolerance for bullshit.  And Lucky Whitehead was unlucky enough to be the scapegoat.

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Pablo Sandoval Released Of Having To Pretend To Give A F^@k Anymore

Former Boston Red Sox third baseman, Pablo Sandoval is now officially unemployed and available for any and all commercial work, scripted TV and/or specialized mass-consumption including but not limited to all-you-can-eat rib contests, cheetos tastings and  pie eating.

Since signing a five-year, $95 million contract with the Boston Red Sox in 2015, Pablo Sandoval has been nothing short of a dumpster fire at third base.  Sandoval played just 161 games in two and a half seasons with the Red Sox, hitting .237/.360/.646 with 14 home runs.  When he wasn’t hurt or eating the third base bag, he struggled to stay in baseball shape.

His deal was one of the mathematically worst free-agent signings of all time.

It’s unlikely Sandoval will get picked back up since he’s still owed $49.5 million.  That’s close to the highest amount of dead money on a contract in major-league history, trailing Josh Hamilton’s $68.4 million, and Crash Davis’ historical buy-out in 1988 by the Durham Bulls for a reported “lifetime supply of scotch and a Porsche 911 with a quadrophonic Blaupunkt”.

Go Sox.

 

Calvin Johnson Says What Everyone Already Knows

originally posted on deadspin.com


Calvin Johnson Says He Retired Because The Lions Weren’t Going Anywhere

Kena Krutsinger/Getty Images

In the year since Calvin Johnson unexpectedly retired from the NFL at age 30, the wide receiver has hinted at some displeasure with the Detroit Lions, mostly over the team’s attempt to recoup his signing bonus, but he’d never indicated that the Lions had anything to do with him walking away from the sport. Now he has, and it’s about what you’d think.

In Italy doing press ahead of the Italian Bowl, the championship game of American football in that country, Johnson said the Lions’ futility definitely played a part in his decision to quit, in addition to the toll football was taking on his body.

“I didn’t see a chance for them to win a Super Bowl at the time,” Johnson said.“For the work I was putting in, it wasn’t worth my time, to keep on beating my head up against the wall, and not go anywhere.

“It’s the definition of insanity.”

“That’s everybody’s goal, when they come to the league, is to win a Super Bowl. That’s the ultimate goal. … I wanted to win it, and like I said, I just didn’t see that opportunity [with the Lions].”

Johnson implied he would still be in the NFL if the Lions had allowed him to go anywhere else. Detroit has historically denied players’ requests for trades (as Barry Sanders found out upon his early retirement), and the Lions apparently refused Johnson’s request to be released to go elsewhere.

“I mean, I thought about it,” Johnson said, when asked if he thought about changing teams. “Just like in basketball, you know, guys, they create these superteams. But it’s not quite like that in football where I had the freedom just to go. I was stuck in my contract with Detroit, and they told me, they would not release my contract, so I would have to come back to them.”

The asymmetry in football contracts is striking: Teams can end them at any time for any reason and just stop paying what they agreed to, but players are trapped in them. At the time Johnson retired, he still had four years left on his deal.

The management bootlickers are already out in force this morning, but some facts are unchangeable. Like that Megatron was the best and often only reason to watch the Lions for most of a decade. And that the NFL is a worse place without him. And that two of the most exciting skill position players ever to play the sport left it early because Detroit couldn’t build a real contender.