Breaking News: Russian Athletes Are STILL Doped Up


Calling in sick on the day of an athletic drug test is sorta like when your boss walks into the room and says “we’re going to have you all attend a team-building seminar in the conference room today for 4 hours, it’s mandatory.” and you immediately jam your fingers down your throat and puke in the garbage can in front of everyone so you can go home and take a “sick day”.

Well, apparently Russian athletes have never been to a team-building seminar:

Over the weekend, 36 Russian athletes withdrew from a track-and-field competition in Siberia at the last minute following the unexpected arrival of storm troopers… uh, drug testers.  Many of those who chose not to participate cited spontaneous illness.  Surprisingly an investigation is already underway and even Dmitry Shlyakhtin, the President of Russia’s Athletics Federation and free yearly spray-tan radio contest winner, doesn’t seem to be buying the mass-illness excuse.

“On the contrary, we ourselves went to this, prepared this situation, because we understand that we have a lot of problems at the bottom, stated that without the help of [Russian Anti-Doping Agency] we will not be able to improve this situation. “

— Dmitry Shlyakhtin

The Russian national athletics team consists of track-and-field events as well as road racing and speed walking, has already been banned from international competitions, including the Summer Olympics in Rio and the upcoming Winter Olympics in South Korea.

And yet, Russian Athletics Federation Director Andrei Kruporushnikov said that the persistent and prevalent doping problem in Russian sports is contained to lower level competitions, like the one in Siberia.  Stating that Russia’s top athletes are “the cleanest and most checked in the world.”  Sounds like a Trumpian response, I wonder why that is?

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