Tristan Thompson – The Kevin Federline Of The NBA

Tristan Thompson….

Khloe Kardashian’s boyfriend Cleveland Cavaliers’ TMZ-walking hard-on, has reportedly cheated on his baby mama, yet again. This time, it was with a lady named Jordyn Woods, who is the best friend offffffffff – Khloe’s younger sister Kylie Jenner. It’s an atrocious dumpster fire of a reality show that I’d never actually watch, but I can’t help but ask the question – WHY TRISTAN THOMPSON?!?!

What is it about this 13th-offensive option on the Cavs that all these Kardashian flunkeys start fanning themselves with hundred dollar bills and instinctively flock to his nether-regions like the salmon of cock-istrano!?!?

If this sounds like a bad (insert any rapper with a “lil” in their name) song on constant repeat, that’s because Tristan Thompson, AKA Kanye’s future brother-in-law, reportedly cheated on Khloe while she was pregnant with their daughter last year.

In true Federline enigma status, the concept of Thompson being the most sought-after man in Cleveland is absolutely mind-boggling. Scientists will no doubt ponder and study this universe-bending exploration of unbalanced checks and balances for years and years, with no viable conclusion.

Kinda like Big Foot.


You’d think these ladies would occasionally check out a game or a stat sheet or perhaps watch a second of ESPN before they went fishing for “Richard”. At the very least go for a fella with a decent PER (Thompson 18.69), John Hollinger should create an analytical NBA rankings-based dating app to make it easier for everyone involved.

He could call it “Hook-Shot” or “Diamond & One” or maybe “One & Done”.

*Just for reference, Joakim Noah (yes, he’s still on a roster), Ivica Zubac (huh?), Jakob Poeltl (huh?), and Ivan Raab (ummm?) all have higher PERs than Mr. Thompson-Kardashian.

I can’t even begin to imagine the horror that this Jordyn Woods person is dealing with currently. Putting a relationship with her billionaire best friend on the chopping block for a piece of Tristan’s Thompson (see what I did there?) is like chopping off your finger when cutting open the fish stick freezer bag – it’s just not worth it.

I’ll never understand women.

9.2 ppg – 8.6 rpg – 0.7 bpg

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