Former Dallas Cowboys WR, Lucky Whitehead Might Be The Most Unlucky Guy In The NFL

The Dallas Cowboys cut third-year wide receiver Lucky Whitehead yesterday after news surfaced that he had missed a July court hearing after being arrested for shoplifting from a Virginia convenience store on June 22.  The big problem with this is that it wasn’t ACTUALLY him that was arrested.

Immediately, Whitehead’s agent called bullshit on the situation.  Citing that Whitehead was not in Virginia at the time of the crime, and that news of his arrest came down to a case of mistaken identity. Arrest records showed that whoever was booked in Prince William County for petit larceny on June 22nd gave Whitehead’s name, birthday and social security number to cops.

This morning, Prince William County Sgt. Jonathan Perok gave a statement admitting that Whitehead was in fact not ( a marine biologist) the man arrested on June 22nd.  The criminal genius who was arrested in the parking lot didn’t have an ID, so he gave cops Whitehead’s birthday and social security number.

Upon reviewing the June 22, 2017 arrest of an individual named “Rodney Darnell Whitehead, Jr.”, the police department is confident that the man charged with petit larceny, and who is subsequently being sought on an active warrant for failure to appear in court, is not Lucky Whitehead of the Dallas Cowboys.

The man charged on the morning of June 22 was not in possession of identification at the time of the encounter; however, did verbally provide identifying information to officers, which included a name, date of birth, and social security number matching that of Rodney Darnell Whitehead, Jr. Officers then checked this information through the Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) database. The DMV photo on file was then used to compare to the man who was in custody. Officers acted in good faith that, at the time, the man in custody was the same man matching the information provided.

At this point, the police department is also confident in confirming that Mr. Whitehead’s identify was falsely provided to police during the investigation. The police department is currently seeking the identity of the man involved in the incident. Since the identifying information provided by the arrestee during the investigation was apparently false, the police department is working with the Prince William County Commonwealth Attorney’s Office to clear Mr. Whitehead from this investigation. The police department regrets the impact these events had on Mr. Whitehead and his family.

Whitehead has probably had the worst, strangest, most random off-season of an NFL summer in recent memory.  First, he lost his dog in a bizarre ransom, dog stealing operation, then he was cut a week later by the Cowboys over this legal misunderstanding.  The Cowboys supposedly cut him because of the “totality of dumb stuff” that filled his offseason, a conclusion that I must remind you came from Whitehead getting a dog stolen/ransomed and also being the victim of identity theft.

Garrett’s statement after the release also stressed the moral standards the Cowboys aim to uphold:

“There’s a certain way that we want to handle ourselves on and off the field. There’s a standard that we have,” Garrett said. “We believe very strongly in adhering to those standards and trying to uphold them each and every day in everything that we do.

“When you have someone in your program, in this environment, in this structure, and they don’t grow and develop and they make the same mistakes over and over again, it’s time to move on.”

First thing f&^%kin last on this whole situation, Whitehead (seemingly) had NOTHING to do with either of these extremely random situations.  If the Cowboys are trying to make a statement to the rest of the team about “appropriate behavior”, then they failed miserably.  This would be like punishing your dog because your moron-entitled-bullshit cat took a dump on your pillow while you were at the dog park (with the dog).  To quote the great American philosopher, Biff Tannen:

“That makes about as much sense as a screen door on a battleship”

Meanwhile, the Cowboys organization is hiding behind “morally” cutting Whitehead for absolutely no reason at all instead of just being honest and saying that he’s the 4th receiver on the depth chart and more than likely will be replaced by week 2 anyway.  The real fact is that this remains an organization with a high tolerance for bullshit.  And Lucky Whitehead was unlucky enough to be the scapegoat.

Pablo Sandoval Released Of Having To Pretend To Give A F^@k Anymore

Former Boston Red Sox third baseman, Pablo Sandoval is now officially unemployed and available for any and all commercial work, scripted TV and/or specialized mass-consumption including but not limited to all-you-can-eat rib contests, cheetos tastings and  pie eating.

Since signing a five-year, $95 million contract with the Boston Red Sox in 2015, Pablo Sandoval has been nothing short of a dumpster fire at third base.  Sandoval played just 161 games in two and a half seasons with the Red Sox, hitting .237/.360/.646 with 14 home runs.  When he wasn’t hurt or eating the third base bag, he struggled to stay in baseball shape.

His deal was one of the mathematically worst free-agent signings of all time.

It’s unlikely Sandoval will get picked back up since he’s still owed $49.5 million.  That’s close to the highest amount of dead money on a contract in major-league history, trailing Josh Hamilton’s $68.4 million, and Crash Davis’ historical buy-out in 1988 by the Durham Bulls for a reported “lifetime supply of scotch and a Porsche 911 with a quadrophonic Blaupunkt”.

Go Sox.

 

Calvin Johnson Says What Everyone Already Knows

originally posted on deadspin.com


Calvin Johnson Says He Retired Because The Lions Weren’t Going Anywhere

Kena Krutsinger/Getty Images

In the year since Calvin Johnson unexpectedly retired from the NFL at age 30, the wide receiver has hinted at some displeasure with the Detroit Lions, mostly over the team’s attempt to recoup his signing bonus, but he’d never indicated that the Lions had anything to do with him walking away from the sport. Now he has, and it’s about what you’d think.

In Italy doing press ahead of the Italian Bowl, the championship game of American football in that country, Johnson said the Lions’ futility definitely played a part in his decision to quit, in addition to the toll football was taking on his body.

“I didn’t see a chance for them to win a Super Bowl at the time,” Johnson said.“For the work I was putting in, it wasn’t worth my time, to keep on beating my head up against the wall, and not go anywhere.

“It’s the definition of insanity.”

“That’s everybody’s goal, when they come to the league, is to win a Super Bowl. That’s the ultimate goal. … I wanted to win it, and like I said, I just didn’t see that opportunity [with the Lions].”

Johnson implied he would still be in the NFL if the Lions had allowed him to go anywhere else. Detroit has historically denied players’ requests for trades (as Barry Sanders found out upon his early retirement), and the Lions apparently refused Johnson’s request to be released to go elsewhere.

“I mean, I thought about it,” Johnson said, when asked if he thought about changing teams. “Just like in basketball, you know, guys, they create these superteams. But it’s not quite like that in football where I had the freedom just to go. I was stuck in my contract with Detroit, and they told me, they would not release my contract, so I would have to come back to them.”

The asymmetry in football contracts is striking: Teams can end them at any time for any reason and just stop paying what they agreed to, but players are trapped in them. At the time Johnson retired, he still had four years left on his deal.

The management bootlickers are already out in force this morning, but some facts are unchangeable. Like that Megatron was the best and often only reason to watch the Lions for most of a decade. And that the NFL is a worse place without him. And that two of the most exciting skill position players ever to play the sport left it early because Detroit couldn’t build a real contender.

The NBA = Fantasy Basketball

It all started on draft day, when the Chicago Bulls traded Jimmy Butler to the Great White North for a shovel, a bag of lime and a garbage bag.  Since then, all hell has broken loose around the NBA.  After that trade there was an obvious backlash from fans in Chicago upon receiving: Kris Dunn, Zach LaVine, and moving up 9 spots in the draft to select Lauri Markkanen.   Yikes.

In the aftermath, the NBA has gone all “Charlie’s Angels – Full Throttle” towards becoming the real life fantasy basketball league that we all wanted but never knew we needed.

Chris Paul opted-out of the Clippers road-side garbage-fire and took his State Farm Insurance branch to Houston.  In return, the Rockets will be sending the Clippers: Patrick Beverley, forward Sam Dekker, forward Montrezl Harrell, guard Darrun Hilliard, guard DeAndre Liggins, guard Lou Williams, forward Kyle Wiltjer, a future first-round pick, and cash considerations.  Although there are mis-leading reports about some of those fictitious players staying in Houston, still waiting for a full report on the details.

If LA was determined to grow their bench while simultaneously downgrading their PG situation, thus leading to a Blake Griffin departure…then they seem to have exceeded expectations.  Also, THIS.

Phil Jackson got his crazy ass fired from his zombie Knicks job.  The self-proclaimed “Zen Master” has Zenned himself right out a job with the storied franchise while 99% of Knicks fans all sigh together in complete exhaustion.   Seriously what’s been worse overall:  1) Being a Knicks fan during Phil Jackson’s time in office. 2)  Being a 76ers fan and being forced to “Trust The Process” ever since Iverson left.  3) Being a Kings fan…in general this must be a self-mutilating disease of an existence.

Jackson managed to make a bad franchise even worse over the last 3 years, causing everybody’s rich douchey uncle (James Dolan) to eat the $25 million he still owes Phil just to get him out of Madison Square Garden.  Jackson’s tenure will be highlighted by:

(a) His ability to sign Melo to a ridiculous extension at age 30 (Carmelo Anthony signed a 5 year / $124,064,681 contract with the New York Knicks, including $124,064,681 guaranteed, and an annual average salary of $24,812,936. In 2017-18, Anthony will be 36 years old and earn a base salary of $26,243,760).  

(b) Signing Joakim Noah after the Bulls broke his back in half (Joakim Noah signed a 4 year / $72,590,000 contract with the New York Knicks, including $72,590,000 guaranteed, and an annual average salary of $18,147,500. In 2017-18, Noah will earn a base salary of $17,765,000), he’s played in 75 out of a possible 164 games in the past 2 years.

(c) Accidentally drafting a future star in Kristaps Porzingis, and then alienating him and pissing him off so much that the 21 year old skipped his exit interview with the Knicks at the end of the 2016-17 season.

(d) Attempting to continue the tradition of his “Triangle Offense” in the NBA, forcing it upon ill-equipped players and coaches who don’t understand it.  The triangle offense worked perfectly when Phil had players like Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Dennis Rodman, Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O’Neal.  But asking Carmelo Anthony, Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah to do the same is like asking George Costanza to explain Marine Biology.

Scottie!  Scottie!  Get the ball to Michael and get the hell outta the way!

Lastly, today we met the Sacramento Kings newest soon to be traded asset:  Serbian guard Bogdan Bogdanovic!  With the 27th pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Phoenix Suns selected Bogdan Bogdanovic (not to be confused with Wizards forward Bojan Bogdanovic or famed Serbian architect Bogdan Bogdanovic). Three years later, Bogdanovic is finally coming to play in the NBA, reportedly agreeing a three-year, $36 million dollar deal with the Sacramento Kings. That’s the highest amount a rookie has ever made in the NBA, and a huge chunk of change to pay for a dude who has yet to play at the highest level. So who is this guy?

I can’t wait to see what happens next with Blake Griffin, DeAndre Jordan, Paul George, Gordon Hayward and of course, Lebron James’ Cavs.  On the highway of life that is the NBA, we’re all just broken down jilopies on the shoulder watching the Warriors fly by in a Ferrari.

 

The Greatest Goal in UMBC Soccer History

Admittedly, I don’t know much about the small college in Baltimore, Maryland other than it’s mascot is a retreiver and according to wikipedia they’re notable alumni consists of a guy named Duff who apparently is a pastry chef on The Food Network and Kathleen Turner may or may not have attended classes there at some point.

But then this happened: Christos FC, an amateur Baltimore soccer team that never practices and is headquartered in a liquor store, was playing a fourth-round U.S. Open Cup match against D.C. United of MLS. In the 23rd minute, Mamadou Kansaye scored on a free kick to give his club a 1-0 lead over the three-time Open Cup champs.

Kansaye, like many of Christos FC’s players, played soccer at UMBC.  And the liquor store crowd went crazy:

 

Warriors Win NBA Finals – Javale McGee Finally Gets His Ring

Javale McGee = NBA Champion 

Charles Barkley, Elgin Baylor, Karl Malone, Patrick Ewing, John Stockton, Allen Iverson, Dominique Wilkins, Chris Paul and George Gervin = NOT Javale McGee

The rat-tailed, 7-foot basketball-Narnia-journeyman of the NBA finally reached a pinnacle that MANY of the greats have never ascended.  Despite being a player who by all accounts should be an unguardable force forged by the Greek God of athletics (Hermes) himself, previous to this moment Mr. McGee seemed to never quite grasp his natural surroundings, similar to a jheri-curl or a mullet.

Perhaps Javale’s basketball prowess could be more aptyl compared to a baby deer standing on a frozen pond for the better part of purgatory, he only seems to comprehend images six inches in front of his face while he floats amidst the tress, vaguely reminiscient of an elderly man lost in a mall parking lot.

And yet here he is now, NBA Champion and Supreme Leader of Braided Rat-Tail Enthusiasts.

Trump’s America…am I right?!?!

 

 

 

 

Willie Mays-Hayes Sighting in Atlanta As “The Freeze”

If you have siblings, and you were blessed by the good lord (praise be, under his eye) to be the oldest one of the bunch, you will revell in this athletic display of rivalry-dominance:

The 12-year-old, alpha-pre-teen version of myself mercilessly instituted a similar game plan with my younger brother when he was 5 or 6 years old (or however much younger he is than me, I’m the older brother so I can’t be bothered with dates and birthdays):

“I’ll give ya a 30 second head-start” was as classic as “I’ll play left-handed” or “I promise I won’t block your shot” or the ultimate: “Go deep…..keep going….yeah deeper….yeah keep going….yeah keep running….”

“The Freeze” will be running the basepaths and hitting lead-off for the Cleveland Indians within the week, you can guarantee it.