If you are anything like me, you love three things in life:
3. Combining Seinfeld and Sports somehow
One of the best gags Seinfeld ever pulled on us were the “fake movie titles” that randomly appeared in what seemed like every episode. We sat on the edge of our plaid, itchy, brillo-pad couches waiting to see an actual preview or even just a quick glimpse of “Firestorm” or “Agent Zero” or my two favorite movie titles of all time, “Deathblow” and “Prognosis Negative”.
In the middle of my Seinfeld rerun binge-watching over the last few weeks, I began thinking of ways to combine the NFL with Seinfeld as a cross-marketing scheme to possibly reach a new fan-base (cause this is what I do with my spare time). Thus spawned:
SEINFELD MOVIE TITLES AS THEY RELATE TO THE NFL
1. “SACK LUNCH”
plotline: It’s hard to say exactly what the plotline is for this film, considering all we really know is that it’s a white family inside a brown paper bag, I can only assume they were shrunk down in size with a “shrink-ray-gun” by accident while doing some spring cleaning in their mad-scientist father’s attic-laboratory, probably starring Rick Moranis as the father, Anthony Michael Hall as the punk-older son, Sean Astin as the younger brother and Suzanne Somers as the cougar-mom:
Obviously the NFL version of Sack lunch would be the Houston Texans defense. The plotline is mostly based around how many “sacks” will “shrink” the offenses of the AFC South with JJ Watt and Jadeveon Clowney running over offensive lineman. So far in the preseason, Clowney has been as good as anticipated, recording a sack of Matt Ryan and a “YOU GOT BLOWN UP!” hit in the backfield on Antone Smith of the Atlanta Falcons.
In both highlights, Clowney uses pure predator-like speed and strength to blow up the Falcons’ offense. What’s scary is that it’s only preseason game 2 of his blossoming career, the ceiling for a player of his natural strength, talent, ability and size is unlike anything we’ve seen in a professional athlete since Lebron James entered the NBA.
This Batman and Robin (which one’s Robin?) combo should create more havoc for offensive coordinators than Sizzler running out of steak on all-you-can-eat steak night (seriously check out how many OCs are fat).
2. “MOUNTAIN HIGH”
plotline: Even though none of the Seinfeld characters actually go to see “Mountain High”, it sure seems like it would have been a classic. When Kramer pretends to be the “moviephone guy”, he states that the stars in this flick are Kevin Bacon and Susan Sarandon, followed by a quick audio excerpt from the film of (I’m assuming) Kevin Bacon yelling, “You’ve gotta get me over that mountain!”.
This one is a no-brainer, the Denver Broncos couldn’t be MORE “Mountain High” even if Peyton Manning opened a weed shop in Mile High Stadium (I know it’s actually Sports Authority field at Mile High…….nerd.)
With the addition of Emmanuel Sanders at WR, DeMarcus Ware at DE, Aqib Talib at CB and T.J. Ward at Safety, the Broncos are poised to make the cover of “High Times” magazine smoking a blunt in the endzone of the 2015 Superbowl.
I’m not going to bore you with stats for this offensive juggernaut, they’re all ridiculous and easy-mode Madden video game-blown out of proportion. It’s Superbowl WIN or bust this season for Denver, they need to forget what happened at the end of last season quickly, I know Pat Bowlen already has (oooohhhh, too soon??).
plotline: “when someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but for different reasons all together.”
In addition to being the greatest tagline EVER for any movie, apparently in the film, there is an actual character named “Deathblow”, who delivers DEATHBLOWS to people! The GENIUS is in the simplicity.
Somewhere on a secret island in a steroid-induced, underground primitive cross-training gym, Stallone and Schwarzenegger are screaming in unison, “Get to the choppah, get dowwwwn!”…….which probably has nothing to do with “Deathblow”, but I bet they’d be pretty hyped to be a part of it. (for some reason I picture the two of them in tank-tops yelling at mirrored-walls ALL-DAY while they work out with Izzy Mandelbaum*)
The Seattle Seahawks Defense is MOST definitely the NFL’s version of a “Deathblow”. They are a raw, tough, non-stop action sequence waiting to be unleashed on any team’s opposing QB. Seattle’s defense is the first defense I’ve seen since the 2000 Baltimore Ravens that actively frighten me when I watch them play. If Richard Sherman or Earl Thomas jumped out of my 55-inch screen like that chick from “The Ring” and proceeded to strangle me using the red vines I was consuming at that moment, my gravestone would simply read, “Here lies Casey, he under-estimated Seattle’s defense and paid the ultimate price, it’s his own fault.”
Ray Lewis’ Ravens defense may stab you, but the Seattle defense will strap ya down to a chair and make small incisions all over until you bleed out slowly while they talk shit about your grandma right to your face.
4. “AGENT ZERO”
plotline: We have no idea.
“Agent Zero” is only mentioned in passing by Kramer during his “moviephone guy” episode. In my head “Agent Zero” is about a crazy, loose-canon, one-man militia, black-ops, MMA trained bad-ass maverick who only trusts one man, himself. After he is left to die in the desert of Afghanistan when the US government sets him up to take the fall during a terrorist-sect assassin attempt gone wrong, he leads a group of anti-government anarchists to overthrow the political control of the middle east. He befriends a 20-something American-educated guy named Ahmed, who helps him gain the trust of the locals. “Agent Zero” would be played by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and “Ahmed” would be played by Dev Patel. The “President of the United States” would be Billy Bob Thornton and the “Wife back home” character would be Scarlett Johansson.
The NFL version of “Agent Zero” would have to be Johnny Manziel of the Cleveland Browns. Hear me out……..
Love him or hate him, you can’t take your eyes off of Manziel. You either want to see him fail and be completely DEATHBLOWN, or you can’t help but root for him even though there is little to no hope that the city of Cleveland will be interested in football beyond week 5. Let’s be honest, Cleveland is only a Browns fan until the NBA preseason starts up again, and the Lebron-a-thon begins.
But much like my description of “Agent Zero”, Johnny Football listens to no one, he cares about no one but himself and he is a complete wild-card, maverick. The potential excitement of what he can do on a football field is only clouded by the fact that it’s now week 3 of the preseason and somehow he hasn’t beat out Brian Hoyer for the starting spot. Quick, can anyone tell me where Brian Hoyer went to college? Go ahead……I’ll wait……..
Aren’t we all waiting for the scene where Johnny Football is crawling across the 20 yard line leading the Browns down the field for a last-minute possibly game-winning drive, limping to the line of scrimmage while on the phone with his “wife back home” saying, “honey, i don’t think I’m gonna make it to my next strip-club birthday party, you’re gonna have to do all the coke for me.”
Johnny gets to the line of scrimmage, without calling a play, he simply stares at Josh Gordon (if he isn’t suspended), gives him a playful wink and then snaps the ball. The offensive line holds it’s ground for the first time all game, and at the last minute Johnny rolls right, escapes certain death from a linebacker (while making the $$ sign to the crowd with his free hand), and lets the ball fly downfield towards Josh Gordon who has a step on his DB……………….fade to black.
5. “PROGNOSIS NEGATIVE”
plotline: Prognosis Negative is once again, one of the many titles that goes un-discussed further than just a quick mention. Elaine mentions wanting to see the film to Jerry, but Jerry can’t go because he is watching a dog for someone in his apartment. Elaine refuses to go see the film with just George cause they need Jerry as the “glue” for the group dynamic. Jerry eventually sees the film with George and then later has to sit through it a second time with Elaine.
***While doing research I learned that “Prognosis Negative” was a real script that Larry David wanted to produce early in his career, about a man with commitment issues who wanted to break up with his girlfriend, but finds out she is terminally ill and only has 6 months to live. So he decides to ride out the relationship with no real need for commitment.
The Dallas Cowboys.
I mean this is probably fairly obvious too. The Cowboys have been BY DEFINITION, a .500, mediocre football team over the past three seasons. Posting 8-8 records in 2011, 2012 and 2013. They have not made the playoffs since 2009, where they lost in the divisional game 34-3 to the Brett Favre-lead Minnesota Vikings.
Yet EVERY year all I hear about is ALL the talent the Cowboys have around the ball.
I think it’s time to finally stop hyping an average football team like they’re just one step away from being a Superbowl contender. The prediction for Dallas in 2014-15: PROGNOSIS NEGATIVE
plotline: All we need to know about “Firestorm” is this:
- Kramer loves it
- Jerry saw it twice
- George’s soon-to-be father-in-law Mr. Ross called it “a hell of a picture”
- A helicopter lands on a car
- There’s an underwater escape
- Harrison Ford jumps out of a plane and shoots back at the bad guys as he falls
This title AND idea was so good, Howie Long starred in a real version of “Firestorm” three years after Seinfeld talked about Firestorm. NO, I am not joking.
Look it up on http://www.imdb.com right now.
So on many levels, the NFL version of “Firestorm” already indeed exists in real life, starring Howie Long. I’m telling you, I couldn’t have written this better myself.
Although, the plotline to the real “Firestorm” is not quite the same from what we can piece together in Seinfeld. The Seinfeld version sounds much better than any Howie Long-steered theatrical ship that could ever be produced. Sorry Howie.
Seinfeld’s “Firestorm” looks like the greatest action-drama movie EVER made based on the poster to the right. Both Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Harrison Ford look to be intent on showing you a good time whether you like it or not. If you stare in their eyes, they actually follow you around the room.
“Firestorm” is the golden idol that all NFL teams are chasing. Harrison Ford chases after it in “Raiders of the Lost Ark”, Humphrey Bogart searches for it in “The Maltese Falcon”, Homer Simpson is constantly on the hunt for it in “The Simpsons” (donuts).
The Vince Lombardi trophy is the “Firestorm” of the NFL. The perfect blend of action, drama, comedy and character development all broadcast to you via satellite on ESPN, The NFL Network and FOX Sports EVERY Sunday and now every Thursday (the fuck?).
I can tell you right now, Friday and Monday productivity at the office is headed for a serious “Deathblow”, I’ll have such a football hangover, I may “Cry, Cry, Again” until I reach “The Other Side of Darkness”.
**honorable mention Seinfeld film titles: “Chunnel”, “Flaming Globes of Sigmund”, “Ponce de Leon” and “Blame it on the Rain”.