If you’re anything like me, Fantasy Football runs your day-to-day life like a Stewie Griffin shaped head-marathon through a forest filled with bye-week trees and touchdown rivers. That cloud you see over my head is filled with Matthew Berry stats, wrapped in a rotoworld prediction blanket and every week I teeter back and forth between sanity and Rain Man status.
I’m always one step from going over the edge when Thursday rolls around and prepping for the this week’s lineup comes to a pre-climax…….and this week is no exception.
So with that in mind, I give you the top ten reasons to quit fantasy football immediately.
10) Your girlfriend/wife will fill your Sunday with activities.
(if you don’t have a GF or wife, maybe Fantasy Football is the reason?)
Your girlfriend/wife doesn’t like football, even if she says she does. She doesn’t understand why Fantasy Football is fun, it seems like socially accepted Dungeons & Dragons for adults.
9) Cheerleaders don’t have a roster spot.
Am I the only one that thinks the only thing missing from Fantasy Football is the CH (cheerleader) position? Imagine a world where we have statistical break-downs for each team’s cheerleaders every week. Stats could be categorized into sections: Team Spirit (TS), Leg Kicks (LK), Wardrobe Changes (WC) and Cheers Above Replacement (CAR).
8) There’s no reason to HAVE to watch/root for the Jets, Jags or Raiders.
If you have players from those teams on your roster that you are actually counting on to produce each week……then you may as well just quit Fantasy Football. You’re not going to win your league.
7) Whoever has Peyton Manning is going to win your league.
If you’re in a league with more than 8 teams, then who ever owns Peyton Manning is going to win. Seriously, the guy is a Fantasy Football Tom Hanks (always good in every situation).
6) If you drafted a RB that isn’t named Marshawn Lynch or DeMarco Murray in the first round.
Seriously, there are maybe 3 RBs that were worth drafting high in the entire NFL Fantasy world. At best, you may be able to add Le’Veon Bell and Matt Forte to that “consistent RB” list???
5) Ray Rice
You drafted Ray Rice this season, stick a spoon in your eye and retire from Fantasy Football.
4) Adrian Peterson
Again, sharpen spoon, insert into eyeball and consider Fantasy NASCAR.
3) Money, Self Respect and that general “punched in the gut feeling” every Sunday night
Have you ever estimated how much money you spend on losing at Fantasy Football? It’s staggering how much time and money is involved in SUCKING at something. Every Monday it’s like I just got back from Vegas, I look at my bank account and think, “did I go to the Spearmint Rhino at 6am?”
2) The (insert favorite team) will NEVER call and offer you their open GM/Coaching position based on Fantasy Football results
Even though that makes for a great, corny, sports movie plotline: “Joe was a regular guy, driving a forklift at his blue-collar job in the local micro-brewery, when he got the phone call that changed his life forever…………”
From the producers who brought you Eddie and Air Bud, we give you the new sports movie hit for the Summer:
starring Kevin Costner and Morgan Freeman
And the # 1 reason to quit fantasy football:
1) Don’t you have kids?
Seriously, go outside and teach your kid to throw a football.
I now realize that all these reasons to quit Fantasy Football are exactly the reasons we all continue to PLAY Fantasy Football every week. It’s a drug and we’re addicted, and maybe……just maybe the Denver Broncos will call??