This Is Not FanDuel or DraftKings

ENOUGH!  ENOUGH!  I can’t take it anymore!  If I hear one more ad or see one more commercial for Daily Fantasy websites like SpamDuel or DraftQueens I’m gonna cut somebody’s ear off and pee on a kitten JUST so I don’t have to hear about it anymore!  Seriously, not only are you stepping out on your yearly fantasy football league, but playing one-day fantasy football online is like cheating on your wife with an ugly, one-legged sea-turtle….and no one should be that drunk on a Sunday (Jesus’ day).  Read the bible, it’s in there right after the book of Revelation.

“Though shalt NOT play Fanduel or DraftKings.”


If you get sucked into daily fantasy leagues on Fanduel and DraftKings more than once, and you STILL think you can beat the system, then I got a plot of land on Mars that I’m dying to sell you.  Contact my office, the number is 1-800-GOFU$#YOURSELF.

Let’s get to the real talk, the real meat and potatoes, the real househusbands of the National Football League.  REAL TALK….CLAP YOUR HANDS WHEN YOU SAY IT, SAY IT WITH YOUR CHEST!


NFL Week 5 Winners:

  1. The Florida Bowl: Battle of the completely-beatens
    • Jacksonville Jaguars (+3) @ Tampa Bay Bucs (-3)
      Normal thought process would say to pick the home team in this scenario based on the line being a measly 3 points and considering both teams are complete and total dog-poop souvlaki.  Having said that, gimme the Jacksonville Jaguars +3
  2. Washington Redskins (+7.5) @ Atlanta Falcons (-7.5)
    • Hotlanta is on a winning streak, they’re 3-Feet High and Andre Rison, they should be called the FalCANS, cause YES THEY CAN.  Never leave a table when you’re on a heater, and the heat is turned up in Falcon country.  Gimme the Atlanta Falcons -7.5 at home.
  3. New Orleans Saints (+5.5) @ Philadelphia Eagles (-5.5)
    • White Liiiiiiiiiiines, pure as the driven snow.  That’s a coked out line if I’ve ever seen one.  It just looks weird to me, 5.5 points?  Much like my pending divorce (number 3) the “Potato” Chip Kelly Eagles are a train wreck on a cliff hanging on for dear life with only a shred of dignity and displaced hope to barely grasp to.  The Saints will close that door and take HALF the Eagles’ shit on Sunday.  Gimme the New Orleans Saints +5.5.
  4. New England Patriots (-9.5) @ Dallas Cowboys (+9.5)
    •   I wanna sit here and tell you that the Cowboys have a chance, I wanna say that this will be a good game.  But I just can’t do it.  The house that Jerry built will come tumbling down like an avalanche of blue cheese crumbles on a finely cooked steak.  That steak=Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski.  Gimme the New England Patriots -9.5.
  5. Oakland Raiders (+5) @ Denver Broncos (-5) 
    • Since I’m a homer and a connoisseur of fine herbal supplements, I have a finely tuned Denver-love in my heart for this rivalry…but not the kind of free-love and equality that knows no bounds, I’m not THAT high.  Rain Manning and his band of Merry Mannings will be the Last Mannings Standing on Sunday evening after they Manning-handle the Raiders.  Let’s Peyton the town red and sing Rocky Manning High for the victory.  Gimme the Denver Broncos -5.

There’s your guaranteed, lock-it-in WINNERS for Week 5 of the NFL season.  Go in peace to love and serve football.  AND DON’T play one-day fantasy leagues… like a real man.  On illegal, shady, off-shore websites.