Everyone Has A Plan Until You Get Punched In The Face (a good waste of 15 minutes)

A great article posted on ESPN today listing the Top 25 Worst Blowouts In Sports History had me grinning like an idiot with string cheese while i sat at my cubical desk this morning.

The list is long and distinguished (zing), with the lowlights highlights of various games that I remembered starting with the New England Patriots 59-0 over the Tennessee Titans in 2009 when Tom Effing Brady threw 5 TDs in the second quarter.  Titans QBs, Kerry Collins and Vince Young COMBINED for -7 yards passing that day.  WOW.

I kept reading and stopped in my tracks at #21 on the list:  Mike Tyson def. Marvis Frazier, 30-second TKO……..then I found the fight on youtube (thanks internet):

It made me realize and remember just how much of a complete lunatic FORCE that Mike Tyson at age 20 really was.  If you’ve never watched a real Tyson fight, I mean from when he was REALLY Mike Tyson between 1987-1991ish, then here you go:

Have a happy Friday all you CoLA desciples.

 

 

 

 

Floyd Mayweather Can’t NOT Be an Asshole

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Floyd Mayweather doesn’t want Michelle Beadle or Rachel Nichols of ESPN and CNN respectively, to be at his fight tonight.  Why?  Because he’s a misogynist asshole.

More specifically, because both these women have spoke out publicly about Floyd Mayweather’s history of domestic abuse of women (click here).

After the Mayweather camp learned that Beadle had publicly condemned Mayweather for his history of violence against women, they (via their network, the CBS-owned Showtime) denied Beadle a press credential for the fight.

Mayweather/Showtime also said no to a press credential for CNN’s Rachel Nichols, who completely bitch-slapped Mayweather on air last year for his repeated domestic abuse accusations (click here).

A source told Deadspin that Mayweather’s publicist, Kelly Swanson, told producers there’s “no way” Nichols gets in.

Mayweather beats women, that’s the long and short of it.  He probably smacks Bieber around too just because he looks like a woman.

While we’re on the subject off complete assholes, seriously…what the hell is wrong with Stephen A. Smith?

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This Incredible Sports Week Continues

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The San Antonio Spurs defeated the Los Angeles Clippers last night 111-107 (cause Duncan is actually Benjamin Button) to set the series at 3-2 in the Spurs favor.  The Clippers will face elimination back in San Antonio in game 6 on Thursday.  If they can steal another win in Texas it will force the most epic sports day cluster-FU&$ I’ve seen in a long while.  Saturday, May 2nd could look like this:

INT. TheCoLA Headquarters War Room – Morning

Our main character, CASEY, wakes up around 8am.  He’s a 30-something guy’s guy with the sports-acumen of a man twice his age, but the general maturity level of a kid half his age.  A Michael Jordan fat-head is plastered above his bed.  On his nightstand (plastic milk crate) stands an autographed Bill Murray head-shot that reads, “You can’t leave, all the plants will die – Be good kid, Bill Murray”.

The TV clicks on, ESPN SportsCenter glows.

Casey (talking to himself):  “Sweet God in heaven, the NFL draft is STILL going?”

Casey clicks over to ESPN2, more Mayweather vs. Pacquiao pre-fight talking-heads discuss the upcoming fight that evening, Teddy Atlas (best boxing analyst name EVER) loud-talks and mumbles in fight-terms and boxing lingo we’ll never understand but we all pretend we do.

Casey (talking to himself):  “Atlas looks like he’s got his ass kicked a few times, but i wouldn’t mess with him.  Pacquiao needs to stop singing so damn much, and I’m not buying that wholesome, innocent smile anymore.  Mayweather needs to stop being such a pompous ass, needs to stop hangin with Bieber too.  Dude is like 20 years younger than him.  But damn, Money Mayweather sure is rich, different colored cars for different days of the week?  God, I can’t wait for this fight.  If the world ends in the next 10 minutes, they better not postpone this fight in the afterlife.”

ESPN2 switches to NBA coverage, the Clippers/Spurs series is going to a game 7 tonight.

Casey (to himself):  “Oh man, game 7 is tonight too.  What the hell am I gonna do?  The fight AND game 7 on at the same time?  Does my TV have picture in picture?  Is that even a thing anymore?  Am I gonna have to go to a bar to watch this shit?  Maybe I should just drive to Vegas.  Fuck yeah, Vegas baby.”

DREAM SEQUENCE of Casey’s mind replaying “Swingers” and the car scenes driving to Vegas between Trent and Mike.

The CoLA bat-phone rings, only used for emergencies (and all other times too) so this must be important.

Casey:  “Yo, who dis?”

Caller:  “It’s yo momma, take your hands outta your pants, God is always watching.”  (my idiot friends actually says stuff like that)

Casey:  “Oh, now that you mention it, your mom’s right here next to me, wanna say hi?”  (I usually say stuff like that too)

Caller:  “Yo, Derby-Boxing-NBA Playoffs-Day today.  Drinks, Derby Day, then the Clippers game, then the Pacquiao/Mayweather fight.”

Casey:  “And then I die of exhaustion disguised as drunkeness and constant screaming.  Is there a Red Sox/Yankees game today too?”

Caller:  “Oh is that your vagina talking again?”

Casey:  “OK, I’m on my way.”

INSERT DIAL TONE

The caller hangs up the phone, as we…CUT TO:

INT. Random Sports Bar – Night

Casey is on the verge of being passed out while standing as he leans upon a stand-up, round table, clutching a beer in the two fingers that are still functional while his friend, TIM yells loudly over the rest of the bar patrons.

Tim:  “I told you son!  I told you!”

manny-pacquiao-vs-mayweatherIf I’m alive by the end of this weekend, I’ll be surprised.  Here’s a lineup of potential times for all of Saturday’s festivities:

All Times Are Eastern Time Zone

12:05pm-ish — NBA Playoffs?  Bulls/Bucks?, Cavs/Bulls?, Wizards/Whoever?

1:35 pm – Yankees at Red Sox

3:00pm — Kentucky Derby pre-race! Potential horses you need to be familiar with – International Star, Dortmund, Frosted, American Pharoah, Carpe Diem, Mubtaahj, Materiality

5:30pm-ish — Kentucky Derby Main Race!!!

6pm-ish — Pacquiao VS. Mayweather UNDER-CARDS.

8pm-ish — NBA Playoffs?  Clippers/Spurs Game 7?,  Golden State/Memphis?

11pm-ish — Pacquiao VS Mayweather MAIN EVENT

Glad I don’t live on the east coast for days like this.

Prodigal Bumb?

Chavez vs. Fonfara

Observations:

  1. Chavez shoulda listened to his daddy Julio Chavez Sr. and NOT taken this fight. Trying so hard to get out of his legendary father’s shadow, that he didn’t take Dad’s sound advice.
  2. His track record for NOT  being dedicated to the craft was clearly evident in his fight tonight.
  3. Fonfara is the 1st Chavez Jr. opponent I’ve seen that he wasn’t bigger and stronger than, and therefore, NOT be able to bully per usual, but actually GOT bullied…as evidenced by his EARLY complaints to the referee.
  4. Summation, Chavez is a talented fighter but lacks the dedication of his father and as he faces tougher opponents (as he did tonight) he will not get the benefit of the doubt as he is used too.

-written by Che K’Hama

Mayweather-Pacquiao IS HAPPENING

FINALLY!!!!

Floyd Mayweather Jr. will face Manny Pacquiao on May 2nd in Las Vegas, AND THE WORDL REJOICED ON HIGH.

It’s about 5 years late on the come-up, but I guess better late than never huh?  Here’s the instant, immediate odds makers take on the fight (because we all have a degenerate gambler inside of us):

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Hopefully somehow Justin Beiber makes his way into the ring and gets his combed-hair knocked off his stupid face by somebody with huge fists.

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Seriously, eff that kid.

“Smokin” Joe Frazier Statue is badass

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A nine-foot, 400-pound statue of “Smokin” Joe Frazier brought one of his daughters to tears. Now, it’s being bronzed and prepped for all of Philadelphia and the world to see.

Hopefully they put it right next to the “Rocky” statue so the two can duke it out for the inter-stellar-bronze-statue title belt.