And Yet, Colin Kaepernick Still Has No Job…..

originally posted on deadspin.com…..


Brandon Weeden? Brandon Weeden.

The Tennessee Titans have reportedly found a new quarterback to replace an injured Marcus Mariota, and it’s former 28-year-old rookie Brandon Weeden, a.k.a. the most hilarious Cleveland Browns draft pick ever, a.k.a. the guy last seen as a third-stringer behind Tom Savage and Brock Osweiler.

Mariota, who suffered a hamstring injury against the Texans, is questionable for Sunday afternoon’s game at Miami.

Weeden—and not, say, a younger quarterback who actually played or started last year, and whose skill set and scheme experience would be a closer match for the offense run by Mariota—will battle for the starting job against 35-year-old Matt Cassel, who is also old and who also sucks, but at least unlike Weeden, didn’t always suck.

Weeden, seen above getting sacked by the American flag, started 20 games for the Browns in 2012 and 2013, eventually losing the starting role to Jason Campbell. Now 33 years old, he reportedly won a Titans contract over such luminaries as Matt Barkley, Matt McGloin, and T.J. Yates.

Around the NFL Offseason (there is no offseason)

Jordan Cameron Retires After Four Concussions In Four Years: “I Can’t Risk My Mental Health In The Future”

Miami Dolphins tight end Jordan Cameron announced his retirement yesterday at the age of 28. After suffering four concussions in four years, he said that the possibility of long-term health risks was too much. As he told ESPN yesterday:

“I started thinking about concussions too much. You can’t play football like that…. If I didn’t get concussions, I’d probably keep playing. It’s one of those things. I can’t risk my mental health in the future. I don’t have any symptoms now. I’m perfectly fine. But they can’t tell me with 100 percent certainty that if I keep playing and I get more concussions, that I’m going to be okay. I’m not risking that at all. There’s nothing more important than your health. It’s just not worth it to me.”

The Dolphins had expressed concern about his long-term potential in the NFL back in October, a few weeks after his last concussion. He signed with Miami two years ago—then just a season removed from an 80-catch, 917-yard Pro Bowl season with the Browns. But he never reached those heights again and his concussions meant that he only played in three games last year.

 Though he has been cleared by a neurologist to return to play, he’s decided it isn’t worth it. When asked by ESPN if he felt the NFL had properly educated him on the danger of concussions before he was drafted in 2011, he said he personally believed that they’d done what they could at the time: “I want to say I hope they didn’t know the serious implications of these things. I feel like it was just starting, just on the brink of this coming to light and all the seriousness of these things. Now I feel like seven years later people know how serious this can be. Unfortunately it takes people dying to figure that out. That’s the saddest thing in the world to me.”

God Help Them, The Cleveland Browns Are Trying To Outsmart The NFL

Reaction to the Cleveland Browns’ surprising trade with the Houston Texans for Brock Osweiler Thursday ran the gamut from fulsome praise to “Bill Polian Yells At Cloud.” Cleveland indeed waded into new territory (for the NFL) by using its extraordinary surplus of salary cap space to essentially trade for a higher draft pick, with Osweiler serving as simply a means to an end. It’s the latest chip in the Browns’ protracted effort to amass draft capital, and while it’s certainly an innovative approach, it’s still just an early step.

First, a look at the terms:

  • Cleveland receives: Osweiler, 2017 sixth-round pick, 2018 second-round pick
  • Houston receives: 2017 fourth-round pick, $10 million in cap savings

Osweiler sucks and is due $16 million in guaranteed salary, for which the Browns are now on the hook. The trade gave the Texans an easy escape from the laughably bad contract they gave Osweiler last year while also providing them with the flexibility to pursue another experienced starter, most likely Tony Romo. It was quickly reported that Cleveland intended to release or trade Osweiler—moves that would require the Browns to eat all or a significant portion of his 2017 salary—but even that’s in keeping with the grander plan.

When chief operating officer Paul DePodesta and general manager Sashi Brown were hired in January 2016, they made no secret of their intention to take a quantitative approach to Cleveland’s rebuild. DePodesta and Brown began their project last year by letting several in-house free agents (offensive linemen Alex Mack and Mitchell Schwartz, wideout Travis Benjamin, free safety Tashaun Gipson) walk before twice trading down in the first round of the draft. The Browns were rewarded with four compensatory picks (a third-rounder, two fourths, and a fifth) to add to their boatload of draft choices.

 All told, Cleveland now has 11 picks each in this year’s and next year’s drafts. That haul includes five of the first 65 overall selections this year and four picks in the first two rounds next year. The Browns also maneuvered to set themselves up with a whopping $102 million in salary cap space this year, right when the timing was perfect. The league’s cash-spending rules require teams to spend 89 percent of the salary cap, but only in cumulative, four-year increments. And this is the first year of the latest increment, which runs from 2017 to 2020.

What the Browns did, insofar as Osweiler concerns them, is use some of that surplus cap room toward a sunk cost (Osweiler’s $16 million in guarantees) that allowed them to obtain Houston’s 2018 second-round pick in exchange for flipping late-round picks this year. It’s an NBA-style move that’s drawing comparisons to what Sam Hinkie did with The Process in Philadelphia. ESPN’S Bill Barnwell went deep to try to gauge the relative value of the assets the Browns swapped, in addition to the gray areas of whether a trade like this is even permitted by the NFL, which prohibits dealing players straight up for cash. But the larger question is this: What will Cleveland ultimately do with all these draft assets? They’re worthless unless some of them are used to obtain good football players.

 Stockpiling draft choices is not a novel strategy, even for the stodgy-ass NFL. As Barnwell noted, the Jimmy Johnson-era Cowboys of the late 1980s and early ‘90s did it by trading running back Herschel Walker. The Packers and Patriots have been doing it for years. And from 1996-2014, the Ravens hoarded 41 compensatory picks, more than any team in the league. As Ravens assistant GM Eric DeCosta told The MMQB’s Jenny Vrentas:

“We look at the draft as, in some respects, a luck-driven process. The more picks you have, the more chances you have to get a good player. When we look at teams that draft well, it’s not necessarily that they’re drafting better than anybody else. It seems to be that they have more picks. There’s definitely a correlation between the amount of picks and drafting good players.”

All of the above are success stories, but it doesn’t always work out that way. In 2014, then-Jets GM John Idzik wiped the team’s cap slate clean and entered the draft with 12 picks—a deliberate attempt to mimic the Ravens’ strategy. Idzik was canned at the end of that season in part because he and head coach Rex Ryan had been so horribly mismatched, but also because nearly every one of those 12 picks (Jace Amaro in the second round, Jalen Saunders and Shaq Evans in the fourth, to name a few) turned out to be a dud. The Browns have (in theory) set themselves up nicely with a fresh approach into an old system. Actually getting players is when the hard part begins.


Here Is A Thing That Happened In Tim Tebow’s Spring Training Debut

(just seeing if you’re paying attention)

At the start of the bottom of the third inning, New York Mets designated hitter Tim Tebow left the dugout to get some warm-up swings in before stepping into the box. But, strangely, he walked all the way around behind the plate—from the Mets dugout on the third-base side to the on-deck circle in front of the visitors’ dugout, on the first-base side.

Boston’s Rick Porcello, warming up on the mound, said he assumed it was a bat boy. After all, why would a Mets player be over there?

After a few swings, home plate umpire Ryan Additon noticed Tebow in the wrong on-deck circle, and told Tebow to get back to his side of the field. Tebow sheepishly complied.

Afterward Tebow explained his mistake, saying he had always thought that lefty batters warm up on that side of the field no matter which team they play for.

“I thought you walk around because you’re a left-hander. I found out you don’t do that.”

“It looked like he hadn’t played baseball in a while,” Mets hitting coach Kevin Long said.

“He’s so far behind on the nuances of the game,” Mets OF Jay Bruce said.

“Definitely there’s a lot of things I’m trying to play catch-up on,” Tebow said.

Tebow went 0-for-3, with two strikeouts and a grounder into a double play. He reached base when he was hit by a pitch; he was promptly doubled off on a soft liner when he strayed too far from first.

 Here are some highlights:

Who Sucks? NFL Edition: Week 2

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Objectively, I must warn you that I am in fact a bit of an idiot (pause for punchline)……….savant, so some of this will only make sense in my head and my head only.  The good news is you can stop reading at any time and go back to your bean-counting or ditch-digging and totally disregard the TRUTH bomb that I’m about to lay all over your face.  Sorry in advance if you’re a Eagles, Bills, Browns or Jags fan.

Who Sucks in the NFL: Week 2 Edition

  1.  Chip Kelly:  You traded and/or released every good player from the Philly roster in the off-season, replacing them with Mr. Glass (Sam Bradford) at QB and even attempted to revive Tim Tebow’s career (Jesus thanks you).  To your credit, you did add last season’s leading rusher, DeMarco Murray.  But you have yet to teach him or any of the other new editions (Bobby Brown) your metaphysical, rainbows and unicorn-based offensive playbook.  DeMarco Murray is on pace for 88 yards rushing…….FOR THE SEASON.  Sam Bradford looks like he forgot which end to hold the football when he goes to throw it and constantly seems to be saying to his receivers, “I thought you were gonna button-hook….” after incompletions.
  2. Pete Carroll and the Seahawks coaching staff:  You traded arguably the best Center in the league for arguably the best Tight End in the league and you refuse to run plays for him or throw him the damn ball.  Jimmy Graham has been targeted 10 times in two games, has 7 catches for 62 yds and 1 TD.  He had 1 catch for 11 yds in week 2 against the Packers and looked like a third-string practice player wandering around the field aimlessly looking for his helmet.  Through two games, 20 tight ends have more receiving yards than he does. Darrell Bevell, the offensive coordinator for Seattle said getting the ball to Jimmy would be a point of emphasis moving forward from week 2.  Really?  It took you two weeks to come to that conclusion?  Jimmy needs the damn ball, JIMMY needs to score TDs, Jimmy’s new in town…..Jimmy doesn’t really know anyone:    
  3. The Jacksonville Jaguars, Cleveland Browns and Buffalo Bills: Seriously, you all suck and you are ruining fantasy football which is even worse than actually sucking ON the football field.  You’ve all been hyped up with “expectations” and “potential” and big tough-guy words (Rex Ryan) during the off-season so much that everyone thought MAYBE some of it was true.  It’s not.  Your fantasy existence is that of an annoying cut on the inside of your mouth that would heal if you could only stop accidentally re-biting it.

    Jags:  Julius Thomas is hurt and will never be healthy, ALL your receivers are a complete and total crap-shoot and utterly undependable on a weekly basis, so is Blake Bortles.


    Browns: Manziel is a trainwreck of a dumpster fire and will be exciting, inconsistent and revolting all at the same time.  In addition, Travis Benjamin is the WORST fantasy receiver of all time (and we’re only 2 weeks in), in two games he’s totaled 6 catches, 204 yds and 3 TDs including 2 of those touchdowns being OVER 50 yard pass plays……yet EVERY analyst out there says “don’t add him, this can’t possibly last it’s a two-game fluke”.  So now that I’ve said that, go ahead and add him to your roster, play him next week and he’ll inevitably put up a ZERO every week for the rest of the season, then you can cry yourself to sleep on your cardboard box-bed since your girlfriend kicked you out of the house for sucking at Fantasy Football.


    Bills:  Rex Ryan may be a fan favorite and a player’s coach, but he needs to shut the hell up.  He’s a bigger distraction to his team then he is an actual coach.  He doesn’t take the spotlight off of the players in order to help them prepare for the next game in a positive way, instead he sucks in bullshit with his giant mouth-hole and becomes a lightning rod of annoying, drunk-uncle speeches.  Anyone else tired of Rex Ryan saying, “This loss is on me”.  Yeah, we know Rex….we know.  Oh, and news flash:  LeSean McCoy isn’t gonna be healthy all season, I can just feel it down in my cockles (and it stings when I pee).

  4.  Dallas Cowboys fans:  Let me explain:  You’ve lost Tony Romo for at least 8 weeks, you’ve lost Dez Bryant for 6-10 weeks depending on which etch-a-sketch sports news report you’re watching, you LOST DeMarco Murray to an inner-division rival and have replaced him with a committee (ANY time there’s a committee, it’s bad news) that’s produced 183 yds and 1 TD rushing between three guys in two games.  I know, I know that’s a better stat than DeMarco’s terrible start to this season…..but that’s on Chip Kelly, DeMarco is a baller and you all know it to be true.  Anyway, you’re about to start Brandon Weeden at QB, who has a career QBR of 73.4 and has a 1-to-1 TD to INT ratio.  On paper, the 2015 season should be over already.  BUT thanks to the NFC East Division: Football For the Underachievers, you’re actually STILL most people’s front-runner to win the division and go to the playoffs.  That’s how bad the NFC East is folks, you can lose your QB, your #1 receiver, your #1 RB and still have a shot at winning the division.  THAT’S why you suck Dallas fans, because you still have something to root for and now all anyone will hear all season is the shoulda-coulda-woulda’s about IF Dez hadn’t got hurt and IF Romo hadn’t got hurt.  Question for you:  What if you trade for RGIII?  Is that something that would interest you?
  5.  Buffalo Bills fans attending home games:  AGAIN, let me explain.  Apparently a fad has become prevalent in Buffalo NY, I can only imagine it’s due to the cold weather and abundance of brown water available in the stadium (adult content below):

    Seriously, what the hell is going on in Buffalo?

  6. Roger Goodell:  Ignoring the obvious multi-billion dollar industry that he runs and the fact that he earns $40 million a year for the job he’s doing.  Basically every fan hates Goodell, and now Tom Effing Brady and the New England Effing Patriots are throwing a big middle finger to the sky and ROLLING through anyone in their way, treading right over Roger Goodell and his beloved “NFL Shield”.  Watch, they’re gonna end up in the Super Bowl again and what happens when/if they win it again?  Is Goodell gonna try to slap ANOTHER badly investigated accusation on them in the off-season??  Does Tom Brady stand up in the post-game with the Lombardi Trophy in one hand and the Super Bowl MVP trophy in the other and tell Goodell, “You get nothing!  You LOSE!  Good day sir!!”           
                Goodell made mistakes in the Ray Rice situation, he made mistakes in handling the Adrian Peterson situation and then double-downed HARD on deflategate but was bitch-slapped by The Golden Boy and the Patriots organization in court.  What’s next?  What’s the encore for 2015?  Gonna decide to come down hard on those pesky, self-medicating marijuana users in the NFL this season (even though it’s legal in almost half the NFL states)?

The Degenerates Call and I Answer

We’re back!

All you addicts out there that have been losing money like Remo Gaggi, I’m finally back and ready to deepen those wallets!  You won’t need an ATM, I’ll be your Huckleberry.

If you’re keeping track on the season, Casey G picks have a record of 18-16-2 while TL Graham picks have a record of 15-18-2.  Brilliance is a cologne best served cold (what?).

Casey G Picks:

NFL GAMES:

RAMS/REDSKINS

Taking Washington HOME +3.5 over St. Louis

The ever-enigmatic and controversial QB (RG3) is benched, leading the way for the Lance Harbor, Texas boy, Colt McCoy (a better “Friday Night Lights” QB name there has never been).

mccoy_colt

I like Mountain Dew.

TEXANS/JAGS

Taking Jacksonville HOME +6.5 over Houston

Strange things are afoot at the Circle J (Jacksonville).

This is the time of year when Fantasy seasons fall apart and betting lines make no sense, someone’s spoiling a perfectly fitting Prom dress in Houston this Sunday.  Not to mention, Houston’s on a roll beating Tennessee last week by a million while Ryan Fitzpatrick had more TD passes than Tom Cruise has mock-turtleneck shirts, so they’re poised for a let-down game.

detailsfashion2vCOLTS/BROWNS

Taking Indy -3.5 @ Cleveland

I feel like this forced QB controversy in Cleveland is completely a chemistry confusing, bi-product of the fact that the Browns have been playing all season with house money.  NO ONE (including Cleveland fans) thought they’d be 7-5 and tied for 2nd place on the AFC North ClusterF@%$ of a division.

PANTHERS/SAINTS

Taking Carolina +10 @ New Orleans

New Orleans is so back and forth right now I have no idea what to think of them.  Cam Newton’s Panthers are OVER-due for a win, not seeing the plus side of a win column since week 5.  This seems like a guaranteed win for New Orleans, but it’s a MUST WIN for Carolina.

JETS/VIKINGS

Taking Minnesota HOME -6 over Rex Ryan’s Former Team

I can’t pick against the Jets enough times this season, this team is terrible.  Last week they ran the ball 49 times, while Geno Smith threw 7-13 and STILL managed to throw an INT late in the game.  What’s they’re game plan this week, punt on 2nd down and hope for a muffed catch?

frabz-Himy-name-is-rex-ryan-I-like-gravy-cef7de


T.L Graham’s picks:

 Florida State (-4.) over Georgia Tech:

With everything going on with “Famous” Jameis, he’ll still have it together to overcome Georgia Tech in the ACC Championship Game.

Baylor (-7) over Kansas State:

Baylor is playing for all of the marbles here. If they can win, and win big over K-State, that should be enough to leap frog TCU and get into the playoffs.

Wisconsin (-4.5) over Ohio State:

Not too sure how the third string quarterback will do starting for Ohio State in the Big 10 Championship Game.

Got Those Winners

Week 11 here we go:

Casey G’s picks:

NFL GAMES

BRONCOS/RAMS

Taking Denver AWAY -10.5 over St. Louis

Denver is a gravy train on biscuit wheels, not to mention Peyton Manning playing inside a DOME!?!?  Nelly just rolled over in his no-longer-relevant-rapper-grave.

nelly-bathroom-0429-1

BUCS/REDSKINS

Taking Washington @ HOME -7.5 over Tampa Bay

I don’t know, why not right?  RG3 is getting “healthy”, Washington is in need a win to stay relevant in the division, and they’re at home.  Not to mention Tampa Bay is strait booty.  Go SKINS!!

TEXANS/BROWNS

Taking Houston AWAY +3.5 over Cleveland

TURN DOWN FOR JJ WATT!!!!  Houston is due for a big day, their defense has been stout and for some reason I just don’t believe in Cleveland.  Maybe it’s because they’re zero for the century for winning seasons.

VIKINGS/BEARS

Taking Minnesota AWAY +4.5 over Chicago

Chicago is a train wreck, actually they’re a train wreck combined with a lupus outbreak wrapped in a typhoid fever, gluten-free spinach wrap.

RAIDERS/CHARGERS

Taking San Diego HOME -10.5 over Oakland

The Whale’s Vagina is due for a bounce-back game, and Oakland is ready and willing like a………..insert hooker joke here.

whales-vagina_design


T.L. Graham’s picks:

NCAA GAMES:

 South Carolina (+7) Over Florida:

“The Ol’ Ball Coach” goes to his old stomping ground, Florida. He’ll definitely have his team ready.

Mississippi State (+10) Over Alabama:

The number one team in the country is an underdog! I can see it. They are playing in Tuscaloosa, which is tough for anyone to play at.

Miami (+2.5) Over Florida State:

Miami has been a thorn in Florida State’s side many of times. Just ask Bobby Bowden.

NFL GAMES:

Seattle (+2.5) Over Kansas City:

The “Legion of Boom” might be too much for Alex Smith to handle.

San Diego (-10.5) Over Oakland:

It’s the Raiders. Enough said.

Seinfeldian NFL Preview

If you are anything like me, you love three things in life:

1.  Seinfeld

2.  Sports

3.  Combining Seinfeld and Sports somehow

seinfeld_The_Understudy_george_jerry-250x187

One of the best gags Seinfeld ever pulled on us were the “fake movie titles” that randomly appeared in what seemed like every episode.  We sat on the edge of our plaid, itchy, brillo-pad couches waiting to see an actual preview or even just a quick glimpse of “Firestorm” or “Agent Zero” or my two favorite movie titles of all time, “Deathblow” and “Prognosis Negative”.

In the middle of my Seinfeld rerun binge-watching over the last few weeks, I began thinking of ways to combine the NFL with Seinfeld as a cross-marketing scheme to possibly reach a new fan-base (cause this is what I do with my spare time).  Thus spawned:

SEINFELD MOVIE TITLES AS THEY RELATE TO THE NFL

1.  “SACK LUNCH”

plotline:  It’s hard to say exactly what the plotline is for this film, considering all we really know is that it’s a white family inside a brown paper bag, I can only assume they were shrunk down in size with a “shrink-ray-gun” by accident while doing some spring cleaning in their mad-scientist father’s attic-laboratory, probably starring Rick Moranis as the father, Anthony Michael Hall as the punk-older son, Sean Astin as the younger brother and Suzanne Somers as the cougar-mom:

NFL VERSION:

Obviously the NFL version of Sack lunch would be the Houston Texans defense.  The plotline is mostly based around how many “sacks” will “shrink” the offenses of the AFC South with JJ Watt and Jadeveon Clowney running over offensive lineman.  So far in the preseason, Clowney has been as good as anticipated, recording a sack of Matt Ryan and a “YOU GOT BLOWN UP!” hit in the backfield on Antone Smith of the Atlanta Falcons.

In both highlights, Clowney uses pure predator-like speed and strength to blow up the Falcons’ offense.  What’s scary is that it’s only preseason game 2 of his blossoming career, the ceiling for a player of his natural strength, talent, ability and size is unlike anything we’ve seen in a professional athlete since Lebron James entered the NBA.

This Batman and Robin (which one’s Robin?) combo should create more havoc for offensive coordinators than Sizzler running out of steak on all-you-can-eat steak night (seriously check out how many OCs are fat).

5G2Rk

2.  “MOUNTAIN HIGH”

plotline:  Even though none of the Seinfeld characters actually go to see “Mountain High”, it sure seems like it would have been a classic.  When Kramer pretends to be the “moviephone guy”, he states that the stars in this flick are Kevin Bacon and Susan Sarandon, followed by a quick audio excerpt from the film of (I’m assuming) Kevin Bacon yelling, “You’ve gotta get me over that mountain!”.

With a tagline like this:  “There’s no place higher than MOUNTAIN HIGH”, you can COUNT ME IN.  MountainHigh

NFL VERSION:

This one is a no-brainer, the Denver Broncos couldn’t be MORE “Mountain High” even if Peyton Manning opened a weed shop in Mile High Stadium (I know it’s actually Sports Authority field at Mile High…….nerd.)

peyton-manning-potmarijuana

With the addition of Emmanuel Sanders at WR, DeMarcus Ware at DE, Aqib Talib at CB and T.J. Ward at Safety, the Broncos are poised to make the cover of “High Times” magazine smoking a blunt in the endzone of the 2015 Superbowl.

I’m not going to bore you with stats for this offensive juggernaut, they’re all ridiculous and easy-mode Madden video game-blown out of proportion.  It’s Superbowl WIN or bust this season for Denver, they need to forget what happened at the end of last season quickly, I know Pat Bowlen already has (oooohhhh, too soon??).

3.  “DEATHBLOW”

plotline:  “when someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but for different reasons all together.” 

In addition to being the greatest tagline EVER for any movie, apparently in the film, there is an actual character named “Deathblow”, who delivers DEATHBLOWS to people!  The GENIUS is in the simplicity.

Somewhere on a secret island in a steroid-induced, underground primitive cross-training gym, Stallone and Schwarzenegger are screaming in unison, “Get to the choppah, get dowwwwn!”…….which probably has nothing to do with “Deathblow”, but I bet they’d be pretty hyped to be a part of it.  (for some reason I picture the two of them in tank-tops yelling at mirrored-walls ALL-DAY while they work out with Izzy Mandelbaum*)

*Izzy Mandelbaum

*Izzy Mandelbaum

NFL VERSION:

The Seattle Seahawks Defense is MOST definitely the NFL’s version of a “Deathblow”.  They are a raw, tough, non-stop action sequence waiting to be unleashed on any team’s opposing QB.  Seattle’s defense is the first defense I’ve seen since the 2000 Baltimore Ravens that actively frighten me when I watch them play.  If Richard Sherman or Earl Thomas jumped out of my 55-inch screen like that chick from “The Ring” and proceeded to strangle me using the red vines I was consuming at that moment, my gravestone would simply read, “Here lies Casey, he under-estimated Seattle’s defense and paid the ultimate price, it’s his own fault.”

Ray Lewis’ Ravens defense may stab you, but the Seattle defense will strap ya down to a chair and make small incisions all over until you bleed out slowly while they talk shit about your grandma right to your face.

NY-CV048_SP_BRO_G_20140131194114

4.  “AGENT ZERO”

plotline:  We have no idea.

“Agent Zero” is only mentioned in passing by Kramer during his “moviephone guy” episode.  In my head “Agent Zero” is about a crazy, loose-canon, one-man militia, black-ops, MMA trained bad-ass maverick who only trusts one man, himself.  After he is left to die in the desert of Afghanistan when the US government sets him up to take the fall during a terrorist-sect assassin attempt gone wrong, he leads a group of anti-government anarchists to overthrow the political control of the middle east.  He befriends a 20-something American-educated guy named Ahmed, who helps him gain the trust of the locals.  “Agent Zero” would be played by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and “Ahmed” would be played by Dev Patel.  The “President of the United States” would be Billy Bob Thornton and the “Wife back home” character would be Scarlett Johansson.

agent_zero1

NFL VERSION:

The NFL version of “Agent Zero” would have to be Johnny Manziel of the Cleveland Browns.  Hear me out……..

Love him or hate him, you can’t take your eyes off of Manziel.  You either want to see him fail and be completely DEATHBLOWN, or you can’t help but root for him even though there is little to no hope that the city of Cleveland will be interested in football beyond week 5.  Let’s be honest, Cleveland is only a Browns fan until the NBA preseason starts up again, and the Lebron-a-thon begins.

But much like my description of “Agent Zero”, Johnny Football listens to no one, he cares about no one but himself and he is a complete wild-card, maverick.  The potential excitement of what he can do on a football field is only clouded by the fact that it’s now week 3 of the preseason and somehow he hasn’t beat out Brian Hoyer for the starting spot.  Quick, can anyone tell me where Brian Hoyer went to college?  Go ahead……I’ll wait……..

Did you even know that this is Brian Hoyer before you read this caption?

Did you even know that this is Brian Hoyer before you read this caption?

Aren’t we all waiting for the scene where Johnny Football is crawling across the 20 yard line leading the Browns down the field for a last-minute possibly game-winning drive, limping to the line of scrimmage while on the phone with his “wife back home” saying, “honey, i don’t think I’m gonna make it to my next strip-club birthday party, you’re gonna have to do all the coke for me.”

Johnny gets to the line of scrimmage, without calling a play, he simply stares at Josh Gordon (if he isn’t suspended), gives him a playful wink and then snaps the ball.  The offensive line holds it’s ground for the first time all game, and at the last minute Johnny rolls right, escapes certain death from a linebacker (while making the $$ sign to the crowd with his free hand), and lets the ball fly downfield towards Josh Gordon who has a step on his DB……………….fade to black.

5.  “PROGNOSIS NEGATIVE”

plotline:  Prognosis Negative is once again, one of the many titles that goes un-discussed further than just a quick mention.  Elaine mentions wanting to see the film to Jerry, but Jerry can’t go because he is watching a dog for someone in his apartment.  Elaine refuses to go see the film with just George cause they need Jerry as the “glue” for the group dynamic.  Jerry eventually sees the film with George and then later has to sit through it a second time with Elaine.

SeinfeldposterPrognosisNegativePT

***While doing research I learned that “Prognosis Negative” was a real script that Larry David wanted to produce early in his career, about a man with commitment issues who wanted to break up with his girlfriend, but finds out she is terminally ill  and only has 6 months to live.  So he decides to ride out the relationship with no real need for commitment.

NFL VERSION:

The Dallas Cowboys.  

I mean this is probably fairly obvious too.  The Cowboys have been BY DEFINITION, a .500, mediocre football team over the past three seasons.  Posting 8-8 records in 2011, 2012 and 2013.  They have not made the playoffs since 2009, where they lost in the divisional game 34-3 to the Brett Favre-lead Minnesota Vikings.

Yet EVERY year all I hear about is ALL the talent the Cowboys have around the ball.

I think it’s time to finally stop hyping an average football team like they’re just one step away from being a Superbowl contender.  The prediction for Dallas in 2014-15:  PROGNOSIS NEGATIVE

6.  “FIRESTORM”

plotline:  All we need to know about “Firestorm” is this:

  • Kramer loves it
  • Jerry saw it twice
  • George’s soon-to-be father-in-law Mr. Ross called it “a hell of a picture”
  • A helicopter lands on a car
  • There’s an underwater escape
  • Harrison Ford jumps out of a plane and shoots back at the bad guys as he falls

This title AND idea was so good, Howie Long starred in a real version of “Firestorm” three years after Seinfeld talked about Firestorm.  NO, I am not joking.

this is real

this is real

 Look it up on http://www.imdb.com right now.

So on many levels, the NFL version of “Firestorm” already indeed exists in real life, starring Howie Long.  I’m telling you, I couldn’t have written this better myself.

Although, the plotline to the real “Firestorm” is not quite the same from what we can piece together in Seinfeld.  The Seinfeld version sounds much better than any Howie Long-steered theatrical ship that could ever be produced.  Sorry Howie.

I love the internet

I love the internet

Seinfeld’s “Firestorm” looks like the greatest action-drama movie EVER made based on the poster to the right.  Both Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Harrison Ford look to be intent on showing you a good time whether you like it or not.  If you stare in their eyes, they actually follow you around the room.

NFL VERSION:

“Firestorm” is the golden idol that all NFL teams are chasing.  Harrison Ford chases after it in “Raiders of the Lost Ark”, Humphrey Bogart searches for it in “The Maltese Falcon”, Homer Simpson is constantly on the hunt for it in “The Simpsons” (donuts).

The Vince Lombardi trophy is the “Firestorm” of the NFL.  The perfect blend of action, drama, comedy and character development all broadcast to you via satellite on ESPN, The NFL Network and FOX Sports EVERY Sunday and now every Thursday (the fuck?).

I can tell you right now, Friday and Monday productivity at the office is headed for a serious “Deathblow”, I’ll have such a football hangover, I may “Cry, Cry, Again” until I reach “The Other Side of Darkness”.

**honorable mention Seinfeld film titles: “Chunnel”, “Flaming Globes of Sigmund”, “Ponce de Leon” and “Blame it on the Rain”.