The NBA = Fantasy Basketball

It all started on draft day, when the Chicago Bulls traded Jimmy Butler to the Great White North for a shovel, a bag of lime and a garbage bag.  Since then, all hell has broken loose around the NBA.  After that trade there was an obvious backlash from fans in Chicago upon receiving: Kris Dunn, Zach LaVine, and moving up 9 spots in the draft to select Lauri Markkanen.   Yikes.

In the aftermath, the NBA has gone all “Charlie’s Angels – Full Throttle” towards becoming the real life fantasy basketball league that we all wanted but never knew we needed.

Chris Paul opted-out of the Clippers road-side garbage-fire and took his State Farm Insurance branch to Houston.  In return, the Rockets will be sending the Clippers: Patrick Beverley, forward Sam Dekker, forward Montrezl Harrell, guard Darrun Hilliard, guard DeAndre Liggins, guard Lou Williams, forward Kyle Wiltjer, a future first-round pick, and cash considerations.  Although there are mis-leading reports about some of those fictitious players staying in Houston, still waiting for a full report on the details.

If LA was determined to grow their bench while simultaneously downgrading their PG situation, thus leading to a Blake Griffin departure…then they seem to have exceeded expectations.  Also, THIS.

Phil Jackson got his crazy ass fired from his zombie Knicks job.  The self-proclaimed “Zen Master” has Zenned himself right out a job with the storied franchise while 99% of Knicks fans all sigh together in complete exhaustion.   Seriously what’s been worse overall:  1) Being a Knicks fan during Phil Jackson’s time in office. 2)  Being a 76ers fan and being forced to “Trust The Process” ever since Iverson left.  3) Being a Kings fan…in general this must be a self-mutilating disease of an existence.

Jackson managed to make a bad franchise even worse over the last 3 years, causing everybody’s rich douchey uncle (James Dolan) to eat the $25 million he still owes Phil just to get him out of Madison Square Garden.  Jackson’s tenure will be highlighted by:

(a) His ability to sign Melo to a ridiculous extension at age 30 (Carmelo Anthony signed a 5 year / $124,064,681 contract with the New York Knicks, including $124,064,681 guaranteed, and an annual average salary of $24,812,936. In 2017-18, Anthony will be 36 years old and earn a base salary of $26,243,760).  

(b) Signing Joakim Noah after the Bulls broke his back in half (Joakim Noah signed a 4 year / $72,590,000 contract with the New York Knicks, including $72,590,000 guaranteed, and an annual average salary of $18,147,500. In 2017-18, Noah will earn a base salary of $17,765,000), he’s played in 75 out of a possible 164 games in the past 2 years.

(c) Accidentally drafting a future star in Kristaps Porzingis, and then alienating him and pissing him off so much that the 21 year old skipped his exit interview with the Knicks at the end of the 2016-17 season.

(d) Attempting to continue the tradition of his “Triangle Offense” in the NBA, forcing it upon ill-equipped players and coaches who don’t understand it.  The triangle offense worked perfectly when Phil had players like Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Dennis Rodman, Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O’Neal.  But asking Carmelo Anthony, Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah to do the same is like asking George Costanza to explain Marine Biology.

Scottie!  Scottie!  Get the ball to Michael and get the hell outta the way!

Lastly, today we met the Sacramento Kings newest soon to be traded asset:  Serbian guard Bogdan Bogdanovic!  With the 27th pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Phoenix Suns selected Bogdan Bogdanovic (not to be confused with Wizards forward Bojan Bogdanovic or famed Serbian architect Bogdan Bogdanovic). Three years later, Bogdanovic is finally coming to play in the NBA, reportedly agreeing a three-year, $36 million dollar deal with the Sacramento Kings. That’s the highest amount a rookie has ever made in the NBA, and a huge chunk of change to pay for a dude who has yet to play at the highest level. So who is this guy?

I can’t wait to see what happens next with Blake Griffin, DeAndre Jordan, Paul George, Gordon Hayward and of course, Lebron James’ Cavs.  On the highway of life that is the NBA, we’re all just broken down jilopies on the shoulder watching the Warriors fly by in a Ferrari.

 

Kentucky Wildcats Fans BEWARE

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Any talk surrounding the NBA Lottery Draft (giving us a break from Deflategate and the NFL’s monsoon of irrelevant information) tonight has been given an extra exclamation point:

Screen Shot 2015-05-19 at 2.44.11 PMYou might be saying, “Wait, Calipari is saying he’s not interested in the New Orleans Pelicans job.”

To which I would answer, “Do you still believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny too?”

If there’s any real certainty in life whether it be in politics or professional sports or the entertainment business, you can rest assured that if someone says definitively in public they are NOT doing something, then the opposite is probably more likely…and vice-versa.

As if I even need to give examples; Tom Brady and the Patriots (Deflategate, Spygate), Bill Clinton (sexy-times in the Oval office), Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Alex Rodriguez (Steroids), Tom Cruise, John Travolta (NOT being gay….not that there’s anything wrong with that), George Lopez (considers himself a comedian).  The examples go on forever.

  • Coach Cal was only able to sign 2 of the top 30 Freshman recruits for next year, something that has NEVER happened while Cal has been at Kentucky.  For other programs, that would be a terrific recruiting year, but for Calipari and the Kentucky Wildcats fans, that’s missing out on 28 top recruits.
  • Kentucky is losing at least 4-8 players from this year’s roster to the NBA, including arguably their best 4 players (Anthony-Towns, Cauley-Stein, Harrison brothers and Devin Booker).
  • Coach Cal would make upwards of $8 million per year as the NOLA head coach, IF the Pelicans are willing to ante up the dough.

Seems like a good time for Coach Cal to make the move to NOLA and coach two of his favorite former players.

NFL Draft: It’s Finally Here

Who ya got going #1 in the NFL Draft Tonight?

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NFL.COM‘s expert analysis for the first 5 picks:

Screen Shot 2015-04-30 at 3.40.29 PMFOX Sports First 5 Picks:

  1. Tampa Bay Bucs:  Jameis Winston, QB, Florida State
  2. Tennessee Titans:  Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon
  3. Jacksonville Jaguars:  Amari Cooper, WR, Alabama
  4. Oakland Raiders:  Leonard Williams, DT, USC
  5. Washington Redskins:  Dante Fowler, Jr., OLB/DE, Florida

Sports Illustrated First 5 Picks:

Screen Shot 2015-04-30 at 3.46.29 PMCBS Sports First 5 Picks:

  1. Tampa Bay Bucs:  Jameis Winston, QB – Florida State
  2. Tennessee Titans:  Marcus Mariota, QB – Oregon
  3. Jacksonville Jaguars:  Leonard Williams, DE – USC
  4. Oakland Raiders:  Dante Fowler Jr., OLB – Florida
  5. Washington Redskins:  Vic Beasley, OLB – Clemson

USA Today First 5 Picks:

  1. Tampa Bay Bucs:  Jameis Winston, QB – Florida State
  2. Tennessee Titans:  Marcus Mariota, QB – Oregon
  3. Jacksonville Jaguars:  Dante Fowler Jr., OLB – Florida
  4. Oakland Raiders:  Leonard Williams, DE – USC
  5. Washington Redskins:  Vic Beasley, OLB – Clemson

ESPN First 5 Picks:

  1. Tampa Bay Bucs:  Jameis Winston, QB – Florida State
  2. Tennessee Titans:  Marcus Mariota, QB – Oregon
  3. Jacksonville Jaguars:  Leonard Williams, DE – USC
  4. Oakland Raiders:  Amari Cooper, WR – Alabama
  5. Washington Redskins:  Dante Fowler Jr., OLB – Florida

TheCoLA First 5 Picks:

  1. Tampa Bay Bucs:  Jameis Winston, QB – Florida State.  It makes too much sense, he can start right away and will have decent weapons around him.  Plus, there’s tons of crab legs available in Tampa Bay.
  2. Tennessee Titans:  Marcus Mariota, QB – Oregon.  BUT, traded to Philadelphia in a huge, weird, crazy trade that includes Cleveland, Philadelphia, Tennessee and a LIVE Goat.
  3. Jacksonville Jaguars:  Amari Cooper, WR – Alabama.  Jacksonville’s offense is a dumpster fire (although so is it’s defense mostly).  Blake Bortles, the “answer” at QB for Jacksonville, needs weapons to be relevant.
  4. Oakland Raiders:  Leonard Williams, DE – USC.  He’s a beast, could be a lynch-pin on the defensive line for Oakland.  Pair him with Khalil Mack and that defense gets MUCH better VERY quickly.  They need a WR, but they can get a decent option later in the draft.
  5. Washington Redskins:  Dante Fowler Jr. OLB – Florida.  He’s a beast and a huge talent, the Redskins need everything on the defensive side of the ball.  Especially if RGIII is STILL somehow playing QB in Washington.

 

 

 

 

 

The NFL Keeps Bashing Us Over The Head With Content

Tonight the NFL Network aired a two hour jerk-session to show us the schedule for the 2015 season that basically NEVER changes any year because we all know who’s pretty much gonna be playing each other.

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this is the graphic they use to get you excited….can you feel it??

 

The NFL managed to turn what should be an internet-only release of something we’d look at for all of 5 minutes into what equates to 2 episodes worth of Game of Thrones.  Seriously, you could’ve just watched both of this season’s Game of Thrones episodes and then just looked up the NFL schedule on your phone and then fell asleep.

So why does the NFL feel the need to completely nut-slap us every minute of every DAMN day with complete bull shit, EVEN IN THE OFF-SEASON!?!?

Because they are an insecure, whiny, contradicting, money-whoring organization and unfortunately I can’t stop watching it’s product between August and February.  I wish I knew how to quit you, NFL.

But seriously, we get it.  You can stop with all the Schedule Release Parties and can ya tone down the effing Draft coverage please!?!?  Now Mariota is going #1 huh, yeah OK.