ESPN’s NFL Fantasy Football TOP 15 Overall Projections

2016 Statistics 261 1268 4.9 7 75 616 2 317.4
2017 Projections 303.6 1398.6 4.6 9.8 81.3 669.4 3.8 368.6
2017 Outlook: Bell was suspended for four games to start the 2016 season but still managed to finish fifth at the position in rushing yards, as well as second in targets, receptions and receiving yards. Bell has been on the field for at least 86 percent of the team’s offensive snaps during 25 consecutive games in which he wasn’t injured or limited (25 of his past 28 total). During those 25 games, he was on the field for 95 percent of the snaps and handled 22.2 carries and 6.7 targets per game. The heavy usage allowed him a top-14 fantasy week during all 12 of his outings last season. There’s little reason to expect the 25-year-old to play a reduced role in 2017. His off-field antics are a concern, but Bell is too good to pass on early in the first round of your draft.
2016 Statistics 293 1239 4.2 16 80 879 4 407.8
2017 Projections 307.1 1229.7 4.0 11.6 77.8 782.2 4.1 368.5
2017 Outlook: Johnson’s breakout 2016 campaign was the highlight of a comeback year at the running back position. Fantasy’s top-scoring running back accrued 2,118 yards and 20 touchdowns on 373 touches. Johnson paced all backs in targets, receptions, receiving yards and end-zone targets (four). He carried the ball inside the opponent’s 5-yard line 22 times (second most). Johnson’s pedestrian rushing efficiency (4.2 YPC, including 1.6 after contact) is far from ideal, but he more than made up for it with volume; Johnson registered a top-10 fantasy week during a position-best 75 percent of his outings. Johnson is in his prime at age 25 and positioned well to again see 22-24 touches every week.
2016 Statistics 155 106 1284 12.1 12 3 9 0 307.3
2017 Projections 159.3 107.7 1420.1 13.2 7.6 4 22.3 0.1 302.2
2017 Outlook: How high were expectations for Brown last season? His 106-catch, 1,284-yard, 12-touchdown season was widely regarded as a letdown. Brown missed a game, but still topped wide receivers in fantasy points for the third consecutive season. He finished top-five in targets, receptions and receiving yards for the fourth straight year. Brown turns 29 this year, so he still figures to have a few years of top-end production left in the tank. Ben Roethlisberger’s top target and fantasy’s most consistently dominant wide receiver should be off the board early in the first round of your draft.
2016 Statistics 129 83 1409 17.0 6 0 0 0 259.9
2017 Projections 142.2 95.7 1434.4 15.0 7.4 0 0 0 284.1
2017 Outlook: Jones missed two games with a toe injury, but still managed to finish sixth among wide receivers in fantasy points last season. Jones’ target share dipped a bit, but Matt Ryan’s top target thrived in the breakout offense of the year. Despite eclipsing eight touchdowns in a season just once in his career, Jones has finished as a top-11 fantasy receiver during four of the past five seasons. Durability continues to be an issue for Jones, as he’s missed at least one game during four of his six NFL seasons. The Atlanta offense will surely come back to earth a bit this season, but 28-year-old Jones is arguably the game’s best talent at the position. Select him in the middle of the first round.
2016 Statistics 169 101 1367 13.5 10 1 9 0 296.6
2017 Projections 159.8 97.4 1312.4 13.5 8.1 0 0 0 276.5
2017 Outlook: Beckham’s 2016 season started slowly, but he ended up posting career bests in both targets (167) and receptions (101). Beckham has now managed at least 91 receptions, 1,305 yards and 10 touchdowns during each of his first three pro seasons. He’s finished as a top-seven fantasy wide receiver each of those years. Beckham is known more for his highlight reel catches, but he also ranked seventh in the NFL with 15 end zone targets last season (up from 11 in 2015). The 24-year-old superstar is just getting started and should only benefit from New York’s offseason addition of Brandon Marshall and first-round pick Evan Engram. Beckham is a low-risk, high-ceiling pick early in the first round of fantasy drafts.
2016 Statistics 175 96 1321 13.8 12 0 0 0 304.1
2017 Projections 159.5 86.8 1202.1 13.8 8.7 0 0 0 260.2
2017 Outlook: Evans was terrific during his first two years in the NFL, but he took his game to a new level in 2016. Evans paced the NFL with 170 targets, a league-high 20 of which came in the end zone, and ranked top-six in receptions, receiving yards and touchdowns. A 6-foot-5 downfield weapon, Evans has ranked top-10 at the position in average depth of target each of his first three seasons in the NFL, which justifies his substandard 54 percent catch rate. Fantasy’s No. 4-scoring wideout was consistent but not dominant, posting only four top-10 fantasy weeks, which tied for ninth. The additions of DeSean Jackson and O.J. Howard will take some heat off of Evans and won’t cost him many targets and scoring opportunities. Evans is a solid WR1.
2016 Statistics 234 1267 5.4 13 50 356 1 298.3
2017 Projections 240.8 1191.6 4.9 7.4 51.7 416.5 1.7 264.4
2017 Outlook: McCoy turns 29 this summer, but his age and hefty career volume of work didn’t seem to slow him in 2016. Far from it, in fact. McCoy ranked in the top six in rushing yards for the fourth time in six years and, thanks in part to elite run blocking, his 5.4 YPC ranked fifth among backs. McCoy posted a top-10 fantasy week during 53 percent of his 15 outings (sixth best) and finished fourth at the position in fantasy points. McCoy also caught an incredible 50 of 55 targets (91 percent). Buffalo won’t be quite as run heavy with Rex Ryan gone, but McCoy is an explosive lead back in an offense that ranked seventh in touchdowns per game last year. He’s a quality RB1 option.
2016 Statistics 100 66 964 14.6 4 0 0 0 186.4
2017 Projections 151.6 96.1 1312.7 13.7 7.6 0 0 0 273.1
2017 Outlook: The Bengals’ 2016 season was marred by injuries and Green was caught up in the onslaught. After posting at least 1,000 receiving yards during his first six seasons, Green caught 66 passes for 964 yards and four scores in 10 games in 2016. He finished an NFL-best 70 percent of his 10 starts as a top-30 non-PPR fantasy receiver. He’s finished top-nine at the position in PPR during three of the past five seasons, but has missed a total of nine games due to injury over the past three seasons. Green turns 29 years old this year and remains one of the best and most heavily targeted wideouts in the league.
2016 Statistics 152 97 1257 13.0 14 0 0 0 304.7
2017 Projections 140.5 92.2 1276.5 13.8 9.9 0 0 0 279.4
2017 Outlook: Considering that he missed his entire age-30 season with a torn ACL, it was fair to wonder just how effective Nelson would be in 2016. It turns out the answer was ‘very,’ as Nelson caught 97 passes for 1,257 yards and 14 touchdowns en route to finishing second among wide receivers in fantasy points. Nelson’s seven top-10 fantasy weeks were second-most at the position and he finished 35th or better during all but two of his 16 outings. Nelson has finished second, third, 13th and fourth during the past four seasons in which he’s appeared in all 16 games. He scored 13-plus touchdowns during three of those campaigns. Nelson’s age (32) is enough to knock him down a few spots, but he’s still a quality target near the first/second-round turn.
2016 Statistics 227 1079 4.8 11 54 462 2 284.1
2017 Projections 202.3 858.9 4.2 9.5 52.2 446.9 3.3 259.6
2017 Outlook: Freeman registered 57 fewer touches in 2016 than he did when he led all running backs in fantasy points in 2015, but the dynamic young back produced only 32 fewer fantasy points. Freeman posted a healthy 4.8 YPC, thanks, in part, to terrific blocking (3.2 yards before contact per attempt ranked seventh) and high-value carries (his 16 carries inside the opponent’s 5-yard line ranked fifth). Freeman ranked ninth in rushing yards and fifth in receiving yards at the position. He posted seven top-10 fantasy weeks. The presence of Tevin Coleman, departure of Kyle Shanahan and some offensive regression to the mean will lead to a statistical step back for Freeman, but he’s still a back-end RB1 option in all formats.
2016 Statistics 156 91 1448 15.9 6 0 0 0 273.8
2017 Projections 146.8 84.1 1292.6 15.4 7.4 0 0 0 258.2
2017 Outlook: Following four years as essentially a solid No. 2 fantasy receiver, Hilton took his game to a new level in 2016. The 5-foot-9, 180-pound playmaker caught 91 of 153 targets for 1,448 yards, all of which were career highs. Hilton averaged 9.5 yards per target (10th best) and finished as a top-10 fantasy receiver during 38 percent of his outings (sixth best). Hilton isn’t a great source of touchdowns, averaging exactly six per season since entering the league, but he makes up for it with heavy volume and high-end efficiency in the Colts’ pass-heavy, Andrew Luck-led offense.
2016 Statistics 254 997 3.9 10 41 419 2 250.6
2017 Projections 295.7 1196.6 4.0 6.9 42.6 341.3 1.9 245.9
2017 Outlook: Gordon enjoyed a breakout 2016 season, but it would’ve been even better if not for a season-ending hip injury suffered in Week 14. Gordon entered that game with 12 touchdowns and third at the position in fantasy points. Gordon was limited to 3.9 YPC on the season but was good after contact (his 2.0 YAC ranked 16th). Gordon registered 17 carries inside the opponent’s 5-yard line (third most) and his 419 receiving yards ranked ninth. Gordon is entering his prime years at age 24 and will again be the clear feature back for an emerging Los Angeles franchise. Select him in the second round of your draft.
2016 Statistics 122 92 1137 12.4 9 0 0 0 255.7
2017 Projections 131.9 94.2 1171.6 12.4 8 0 0 0 258.7
2017 Outlook: Thomas was fantasy’s No. 7 wide receiver despite missing one game as a rookie. The Ohio State product caught 77 percent of his targets (third best among wideouts) and averaged 9.5 yards per target (ninth). He posted an impressive nine top-30 fantasy weeks during his final 13 games of the season. New Orleans’ second-round pick from 2016 is obviously in the WR1 mix, especially with Brandin Cooks gone, but keep in mind that a Saints wide receiver has exceeded a 20 percent target share only once during the Sean Payton/Drew Brees era (Thomas averaged a 20 percent share as a rookie). Nonetheless, Brees will back under center in 2017, so the 24-year-old Thomas is a great bet for a huge second season.
2016 Statistics 252 1313 5.2 6 29 298 1 230.1
2017 Projections 273.4 1245.5 4.6 8 31.8 258.8 1.4 236.7
2017 Outlook: Howard opened his rookie season third on Chicago’s depth chart, but it didn’t take the intriguing fifth-round pick long to work his way into workhorse duties. The big man ranked 11th in the league in carries, but his terrific effectiveness (5.2 YPC, 2.2 YAC) allowed him the second-most rushing yards. Howard’s hands (position-high eight drops) are a concern, but he still managed 48 targets and averaged a healthy 10.3 yards per reception. Touchdowns may elude Howard in Chicago’s underwhelming offense, but the 22-year-old emerging star will push for 20 touches every week. Upgrade him slightly in non-PPR.
2016 Statistics 293 1287 4.4 9 53 377 3 293.8
2017 Projections 248.4 1088.6 4.4 8 43.5 310 1.8 239.7
2017 Outlook: Following a rough year in Philadelphia, Murray reassumed his spot as one of the game’s top tailbacks with 1,664 yards from scrimmage in Tennessee last year. Murray averaged a healthy 4.4 yards per carry despite facing an average of 8.1 in-box defenders (fourth highest). Murray ranked third at the position in carries and sixth in receptions, which helped him to his third top-six fantasy season in four years. Once labeled as injury prone, Murray has missed one game in the past three seasons. Murray is now 29, and Derrick Henry’s role only figures to expand, but the veteran remains the lead back and a three-down contributor in one of the game’s most run-heavy offenses.

This Is Not FanDuel or DraftKings

ENOUGH!  ENOUGH!  I can’t take it anymore!  If I hear one more ad or see one more commercial for Daily Fantasy websites like SpamDuel or DraftQueens I’m gonna cut somebody’s ear off and pee on a kitten JUST so I don’t have to hear about it anymore!  Seriously, not only are you stepping out on your yearly fantasy football league, but playing one-day fantasy football online is like cheating on your wife with an ugly, one-legged sea-turtle….and no one should be that drunk on a Sunday (Jesus’ day).  Read the bible, it’s in there right after the book of Revelation.

“Though shalt NOT play Fanduel or DraftKings.”


If you get sucked into daily fantasy leagues on Fanduel and DraftKings more than once, and you STILL think you can beat the system, then I got a plot of land on Mars that I’m dying to sell you.  Contact my office, the number is 1-800-GOFU$#YOURSELF.

Let’s get to the real talk, the real meat and potatoes, the real househusbands of the National Football League.  REAL TALK….CLAP YOUR HANDS WHEN YOU SAY IT, SAY IT WITH YOUR CHEST!


NFL Week 5 Winners:

  1. The Florida Bowl: Battle of the completely-beatens
    • Jacksonville Jaguars (+3) @ Tampa Bay Bucs (-3)
      Normal thought process would say to pick the home team in this scenario based on the line being a measly 3 points and considering both teams are complete and total dog-poop souvlaki.  Having said that, gimme the Jacksonville Jaguars +3
  2. Washington Redskins (+7.5) @ Atlanta Falcons (-7.5)
    • Hotlanta is on a winning streak, they’re 3-Feet High and Andre Rison, they should be called the FalCANS, cause YES THEY CAN.  Never leave a table when you’re on a heater, and the heat is turned up in Falcon country.  Gimme the Atlanta Falcons -7.5 at home.
  3. New Orleans Saints (+5.5) @ Philadelphia Eagles (-5.5)
    • White Liiiiiiiiiiines, pure as the driven snow.  That’s a coked out line if I’ve ever seen one.  It just looks weird to me, 5.5 points?  Much like my pending divorce (number 3) the “Potato” Chip Kelly Eagles are a train wreck on a cliff hanging on for dear life with only a shred of dignity and displaced hope to barely grasp to.  The Saints will close that door and take HALF the Eagles’ shit on Sunday.  Gimme the New Orleans Saints +5.5.
  4. New England Patriots (-9.5) @ Dallas Cowboys (+9.5)
    •   I wanna sit here and tell you that the Cowboys have a chance, I wanna say that this will be a good game.  But I just can’t do it.  The house that Jerry built will come tumbling down like an avalanche of blue cheese crumbles on a finely cooked steak.  That steak=Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski.  Gimme the New England Patriots -9.5.
  5. Oakland Raiders (+5) @ Denver Broncos (-5) 
    • Since I’m a homer and a connoisseur of fine herbal supplements, I have a finely tuned Denver-love in my heart for this rivalry…but not the kind of free-love and equality that knows no bounds, I’m not THAT high.  Rain Manning and his band of Merry Mannings will be the Last Mannings Standing on Sunday evening after they Manning-handle the Raiders.  Let’s Peyton the town red and sing Rocky Manning High for the victory.  Gimme the Denver Broncos -5.

There’s your guaranteed, lock-it-in WINNERS for Week 5 of the NFL season.  Go in peace to love and serve football.  AND DON’T play one-day fantasy leagues… like a real man.  On illegal, shady, off-shore websites.



Fantasy Football Guide To NOT Sucking At Your Draft

As the fantasy football draft comes closer and closer for all of us degenerates, just a quick reminder to all: it’s ok, it’s all gonna be ok.


The amount of “information” out there about “sleepers” and “late-round steals” is mind-boggling and enough even to make Matthew Berry say, ok that’s enough already.

I’m going into this article assuming you aren’t a complete shit-sipper-chalupa and at least have enough sense to make it through the early rounds of a fantasy draft without going cross-eyed, pissing your pants and microwaving tin foil while singing the Roling Stones’ “Paint it Black”.

Having said that, here is the official CoLA edition of the fantasy football guide to drafting well….with a few different nuances:

  1. The term “Sleeper” will not be used.  It’s dumb.  No one is a sleeper anymore, there’s too much info out there.
  2. I’ll stick to players to keep in mind for the later rounds, I’m talking about AFTER everyone’s favorite players are picked and the REAL drafting begins.  (You’re not a genius for picking Odell Beckham Jr. in early rounds)
  3. I’ll give you two categories of players to keep an eye on, these are the only real categories you need and anything beyond this will be an example of you blindly swinging for the fences in round 15, 16 and 17 (if you even pick that many rounds).

Guys you should know, but probably forgot about

Starting with Running Backs:

  • Frank Gore – Running Back – Indianapolis Colts
    • Better team, better QB, better results?  He’s 32 years old now, but still the best option the Colts have in the back field.  He should get plenty of touches to be worth a RB2 look.
  • CJ Spiller – Running Back – New Orleans Saints
    • Once again, better team, better QB, better results?  He’s STILL one of the fastest and most talented RBs in the league.  The pass-heavy, spread the field Saints should plug him in quickly and efficiently.  Oh, and someone’s gotta get the touches that Jimmy Graham left behind.
  • Rashad Jennings – Running Back – New York Giants
    • Sure he’s had some injury problems, BUT he’s a key part of what should be an explosive offense.  He’s positioned to have a great year, as long as Eli’s mouth-breathing stench doesn’t knock Rashad out when he’s handed the ball.
  • Latavius Murray – Running Back – Oakland Raiders
    • He’s the clear-cut #1 running back in Oakland, is that good?  But seriously, he should get a heavy workload this season and showed strong signs of talent and break-out STAR potential.
  • Tre Mason – Running Back – St. Louis Rams
    • Even though the Rams selected Todd Gurley to compete for reps, Tre Mason proved in small doses last season that he has some serious talent for big plays and was rewarded by making the All-Rookie Team.  But he also sees the challenge ahead of him to prove that he deserves the ball with Gurley on his heels.
  • Chris Johnson – Running Back – Arizona Cardinals
    • Yes, THAT Chris Johnson.  The once Superman of running backs has been kryptonited by father time, injuries and tired legs.  BUT, he must still have some gas left in the tank otherwise the Cardinals wouldn’t have signed him to push the envelope with Andre Ellington.  By the way, did I mention that Chris got SHOT in a drive-by during the off-season?  That’s gotta be a good sign right?
  • Devonta Freeman – Running Back – Atlanta Falcons
    • I know what you’re thinking, how many Falcons running backs have made the sleeper “players poised to make a splash” list over the last few years that DIDN’T pan out…Steven Jackson, Jaquizz Rodgers etc.  BUT, Freeman is the only guy left.  He’s the last man standing.  With a rookie behind him, he should get the majority of the workload until inevitably the Falcons crash and burn into the turf.
  • Jonathan Stewart – Running Back – Carolina Panthers
    • After walking away from “The Daily Show” only a few weeks ago, it’s been a quick turn-around back into pads and back to where it all began for Mr. Stewart….wait.  Wrong guy.  This Jonathan Stewart has a little more than the comedy genius to prove moving forward from last season.  BUT, if he’s healthy (huge IF) he’ll be the clear-cut #1 running back in Carolina.  De-Angelo Williams is gone.
  • Reggie Bush – Running Back – San Francisco49ers
    • How many of you knew he was in SF?  Don’t lie.  The 49ers have like, at most, 4 players total from last year’s roster.  Their offense will consist of Colin Kaepernick running for his life when he’s not chucking the ball off to Carlos Hyde or throwing 10-yard outs to Anquan Boldin.  Reggie is definitely gonna get some touches.
  • Danny Woodhead – Running Back – San Diego Chargers
    • He was injured almost all of last season (done week 3), but this season he will be back to his big role as a third-down back and a constant threat out of the backfield.  Not to mention, Ryan Matthews is gone and the only other running backs are Branden Oliver and the rookie: Melvin Gordon.

Wide Receivers:

  • Brandon LaFell – Wide Receiver – New England Patriots
    • Talk about a guy who is ready to explode this season, he had a career year in 2014 and is a SOLID #2 option behind Gronk going into this year.
  • DeAndre Hopkins – Wide Receiver – Houston Texans
    • He’s the only option now that Andre Johnson is gone and Arian Foster has gone down with a groin injury.  He’s shining brightly so far in the preseason according to HBO’s Hard Knocks as well.  Which is the only reason anyone would pay attention to the Texans.
  • John Brown – Wide Receiver – Arizona Cardinals
    • He’s go some serious down-field speed and ability, averaging 14.5 yards per catch last season.  This could be his TY Hilton-type break-out year.
  • Brandin Cooks – Wide Receiver – New Orleans Saints
    • He’s now officially the #2 option at wide receiver behind Marques Colston, and with Jimmy Graham gone…..that’s a lot of passing opportunities that could come Brandin’s way in 2015.
  • Martavis Bryant – Wide Receiver – Pittsburgh Steelers
    • In 2014 he had 8 TDs on only 26 receptions!  Talk about production in the second half of the season!  With another off-season under his belt and now a bulls-eye on his chest, Big Ben will have more than just Antonio Brown to throw the ball to.
  • Sammy Watkins – Wide Receiver – Buffalo Bills
    • I know Sammy doesn’t have a QB, I know he was hurt almost every other week of last season, but he may be a little overshadowed by the incredible wide receiver class of 2014.  If you can get him in the later rounds, get him.  He’s still the fastest dude on the field MOST days.
  • Davanta Adams – Wide Receiver – Green Bay Packers
    • He’ll be the #3 receiver behind Jordy Nelson and Randall Cobb, Devante showed he’s ready for more action after a handful of 5+ catch-days last season totaling 3 TDs and 446 yards for the season.  Not bad for a rookie who was basically the 4th option in 2014.
  • Jordan Matthews – Wide Receiver – Philadelphia Eagles
    • He’s the #1 receiver now in Philly, READ THAT AGAIN.  The Eagles have overhauled their roster, and Matthews looks to be the receiver ready to cash in on it.  He went for 67 catches, 872 yds and 8 TDs last year as a rookie with noodle-arm Mark Sanchez throwing to him a couple games.  If Sam Bradford stays healthy (that’s a big-ass IF) and Philly runs the ball the way they seemingly will with DeMarco Murray and Ryan Mathews, then Jordan should see something over the top quite often in this potentially high-powered Chip Kelly offense.

Potential long-shots, but don’t count on em right away

  • Andre Johnson – Wide Receiver – Indianapolis Colts
    • Does he have anything left in the tank?  Will he become a solid 2nd or 3rd receiver option with Andrew Luck?  Or will he just kinda fade away like Hakeem Nicks did last year??
  • Donte Moncreif – Wide Receiver – Indianapolis Colts
    • I know what you’re thinking, two WRs from the same team on the same list??  So here’s the dilemma, which one of these two guys will become the receiver to get touches behind TY Hilton to make it worth it?  Don’t forget they have a solid TE in Dwayne Allen and Frank Gore in the back field.  PLUS, it’s fairly obvious that Luck likes to spread the wealth, so who’s getting rich in 2015!?!?
  • Kevin White – Wide Receiver – Chicago Bears
    • He’s a rookie with a lot of buzz around him.  With Brandon Marshall gone, Alshon Jeffery  and newly acquired Eddie Royal will pick up the pieces but can Kevin step in and pull a Kelvin Benjamin on em all?
  • Chris Matthews – Wide Receiver – SeattleSeahawks
    • He’s 6’5″, he had a great performance in the Super Bowl and the idea is that with Jimmy Graham causing problems in the middle of the field, it’ll open up things for the receivers.  It’s a nice theory.
  • Charles Johnson – Wide Receiver – Minnesota Vikings
    • He’s the #1 receiver in Minnesota (whatever that means).  He did average 15.3 yards per catch last season, but who the hell knows what to expect in Minnesota.
  • Blake Bortles – Quarter Back – Jacksonville Jags
    • I mean, he’s kinda got some weapons on the field with him now: TE – Julius Thomas,  WR – Allen Hurns, WR – Allen Robinson, PG – Allen Iverson (HA!  just seeing if you’re paying attention).  If Bortles is your ONLY option at QB at the beginning of the season, I’d say you’re in bad shape.  But keep an eye out, he may actually put up some good numbers this season.
  • Travis Kelce – Tight End – Kansas City Chiefs
    • He had 67 catches last season and lead the team in receiving yards (862) and receiving TDs (5).  He was also the only player NOT named Jamaal Charles or Anthony Fasano to catch more than 2 TDs all year.  Did I mention that not a single wide receiver caught a TD last season for the Chiefs?  HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN!?!?  Travis makes this part of the list because I don’t understand what the Chiefs are doing on offense, it just doesn’t compute, their offensive playbook reads, “screen-door on a battleship” on the front of it.
  • Ameer Abdullah – Running Back – Detroit Lions
    • He’s got HYPE all around him right now, they’re loving him in Detroit.  He’s set as the #2 running back on the depth chart, but I would bet he’s the #1 back taking all the snaps by week 3 at this rate.  BUT, he’s a rookie.  AND it’s the Lions.
  • Chris Ivory – Running Back – New York Jets
    • Normally I wouldn’t put a Jets player on any list that wasn’t titled, “doomed to be a dumpster fire”.  But Chris Ivory is in fact their #1 running back and considering their starting QB has a broken jaw and now Ryan Fitzpatrick is gonna beard-sling the ball all over the field for 4-6 weeks, I mean what the hell right?  Ivory SHOULD get some serious touches.  I saw some crazy gorilla-math stat saying that Chris Ivory is statistically the 3rd most “elusive” running back in the league by successfully breaking 52 tackles on 198 carries last season.  All that says to me is that the Jets offensive line sucks balls and Chris Ivory got hit a WHOLE EFF-ING BUNCH of times last year.  Good luck buddy.


Good luck to you all this fantasy football season, may your draft be swift, may your lineup-tinkering be mighty, and may your balls… be plentiful.

Start ’em & Sit ’em Week 15 (via the Onion Sports)

Fantasy Football Week 15 from the Onion

Onion Sports has expert analysis on which players to keep and which players to drop from your fantasy football starting lineup this week:

Start ’Em

  • Johnny Manziel (QB): Manziel is finally showing the type of deluded confidence coaches have been waiting to see all year
  • Eli Manning (QB): With the Giants out of playoff contention, expect Manning to do what it takes to fuck his team out of a decent draft pick
  • Derek Anderson (QB): The Panthers expressed confidence in the backup quarterback, who arrived to practice Wednesday in a severely damaged sedan

Sit ’Em

  • Matthew Stafford (QB): Stafford has looked extremely comfortable all season while moving within a pile of defensive linemen
  • Latavius Murray (RB): Starting the explosive but oft-injured Murray is a risky option for those hoping to pay absolutely zero attention to a Raiders-Chiefs game
  • Ben Roethlisberger (QB): Expect the Steelers quarterback to be rattled after learning that the NFL’s new conduct policy includes several paragraphs specific to him

Top Ten Reasons to Quit Fantasy Football

If you’re anything like me, Fantasy Football runs your day-to-day life like a Stewie Griffin shaped head-marathon through a forest filled with bye-week trees and touchdown rivers.  That cloud you see over my head is filled with Matthew Berry stats, wrapped in a rotoworld prediction blanket and every week I teeter back and forth between sanity and Rain Man status.


I’m always one step from going over the edge when Thursday rolls around and prepping for the this week’s lineup comes to a pre-climax…….and this week is no exception.

So with that in mind, I give you the top ten reasons to quit fantasy football immediately.

10)  Your girlfriend/wife will fill your Sunday with activities.

(if you don’t have a GF or wife, maybe Fantasy Football is the reason?)


Your girlfriend/wife doesn’t like football, even if she says she does.  She doesn’t understand why Fantasy Football is fun, it seems like socially accepted Dungeons & Dragons for adults.

9)  Cheerleaders don’t have a roster spot.

New England Patriots v Houston Texans

Am I the only one that thinks the only thing missing from Fantasy Football is the CH (cheerleader) position?  Imagine a world where we have statistical break-downs for each team’s cheerleaders every week.  Stats could be categorized into sections: Team Spirit (TS), Leg Kicks (LK), Wardrobe Changes (WC) and Cheers Above Replacement (CAR).

8)  There’s no reason to HAVE to watch/root for the Jets, Jags or Raiders.

If you have players from those teams on your roster that you are actually counting on to produce each week……then you may as well just quit Fantasy Football.  You’re not going to win your league.

7)  Whoever has Peyton Manning is going to win your league.


If you’re in a league with more than 8 teams, then who ever owns Peyton Manning is going to win.  Seriously, the guy is a Fantasy Football Tom Hanks (always good in every situation).

6)  If you drafted a RB that isn’t named Marshawn Lynch or DeMarco Murray in the first round.

Seriously, there are maybe 3 RBs that were worth drafting high in the entire NFL Fantasy world.  At best, you may be able to add Le’Veon Bell and Matt Forte to that “consistent RB” list???

5)  Ray Rice

You drafted Ray Rice this season, stick a spoon in your eye and retire from Fantasy Football.

4)  Adrian Peterson

Again, sharpen spoon, insert into eyeball and consider Fantasy NASCAR.

3)  Money, Self Respect and that general “punched in the gut feeling” every Sunday night

Have you ever estimated how much money you spend on losing at Fantasy Football?  It’s staggering how much time and money is involved in SUCKING at something.  Every Monday it’s like I just got back from Vegas, I look at my bank account and think, “did I go to the Spearmint Rhino at 6am?”

2)  The (insert favorite team) will NEVER call and offer you their open GM/Coaching position based on Fantasy Football results

Even though that makes for a great, corny, sports movie plotline:  “Joe was a regular guy, driving a forklift at his blue-collar job in the local micro-brewery, when he got the phone call that changed his life forever…………”

From the  producers who brought you Eddie and Air Bud, we give you the new sports movie hit for the Summer:


starring Kevin Costner and Morgan Freeman 

And the # 1 reason to quit fantasy football:

1)  Don’t you have kids?

Seriously, go outside and teach your kid to throw a football.

I now realize that all these reasons to quit Fantasy Football are exactly the reasons we all continue to PLAY Fantasy Football every week.  It’s a drug and we’re addicted, and maybe……just maybe the Denver Broncos will call??


All the things wrong with Thursday Night Football

Firstly, I feel that since the NFL refuses to realize or admit that Thursday Night Football is a train-wreck of a relationship, bringing on comparisons to Ike and Tina, Chris Brown and Rihanna, and the entire cast of “The Jersey Shore”.  I feel the need to apologize on behalf of the NFL for the blasphemy that is and has been Thursday Night Football. 

functional relationships are funny

functional relationships are funny

Every Thursday night, (if the west-coasters can get out of work in time for kick-off), we get knocked out by the Alpha-Male, steroid-rage that is Thursday Night Football.  But EVERY week we still keep coming back to it, we’re married to it because we crave an abusive relationship with the NFL……..and I mean, we still have fantasy football to worry about right??

“No, no, things are getting better every week.  We’re in couples’ therapy, we’re figuring this thing out.  We’re moving forward together” —said EVERY football fan ever.

The only moment worth watching Thursday Night

The only moment worth watching Thursday Night

So far, this season the average margin of victory on Thursday Night games has been 31.25 points. To get specific with it, it’s been Baltimore 26-6 over Pittsburgh, Atlanta 56-14 over Tampa Bay, the Giants 45-14 over Washington, and Green Bay 42-10 over Minnesota. In all other NFL games, the average margin of victory is right around 12.5.

That’s a shit sandwich covered in piss-gravy right there.


Thursday Night Football

But the BIGGEST problem with Thursday Night Football is HOW BADLY IT SCREWS UP FANTASY FOOTBALL on a weekly basis!!  Let’s just be honest, if you have a player on your roster who’s “questionable” that is playing on a Thursday night, he gets no time for recovery from the previous game on Sunday and who knows if he’ll actually play!?!?

GOD FORBID you don’t start the player, then he magically plays Thursday night and because NO ONE is ready to play on a Thursday night, he runs all over the field like a possessed lawnmower and racks up 30 fantasy points WHILE ON YOUR BENCH!  I now understand why people have cocaine and heroin addictions.

Football is a difficult sport to play, the physical toll is similar to a heavy weight bout that goes the distance, except this bout goes the distance EVERY Sunday.  When you start taking away days of recovery, you hurt everyone involved.

The players, the coaches, and most importantly to the NFL front office:  the fans (don’t get it twisted, more fans means more $$$) are all negatively affected by Thursday games.

In all seriousness, how do I convince my boss I need to knock off early on Thursdays to watch a 5pm kick-off of the Falcons vs. the Bucs? (laughter ensues and i loose bathroom privileges)

Football is drug, we’re all addicted and the NFL just flooded the market with a shipment of Thursday night stepped-on street garbage that leaves a gasoline taste in our mouth.  The “Walter White” of the NFL, Roger Goodell has us all feening for more “blue magic”, my fantasy football season depends on it.