The San Antonio Spurs defeated the Los Angeles Clippers last night 111-107 (cause Duncan is actually Benjamin Button) to set the series at 3-2 in the Spurs favor. The Clippers will face elimination back in San Antonio in game 6 on Thursday. If they can steal another win in Texas it will force the most epic sports day cluster-FU&$ I’ve seen in a long while. Saturday, May 2nd could look like this:
INT. TheCoLA Headquarters War Room – Morning
Our main character, CASEY, wakes up around 8am. He’s a 30-something guy’s guy with the sports-acumen of a man twice his age, but the general maturity level of a kid half his age. A Michael Jordan fat-head is plastered above his bed. On his nightstand (plastic milk crate) stands an autographed Bill Murray head-shot that reads, “You can’t leave, all the plants will die – Be good kid, Bill Murray”.
The TV clicks on, ESPN SportsCenter glows.
Casey (talking to himself): “Sweet God in heaven, the NFL draft is STILL going?”
Casey clicks over to ESPN2, more Mayweather vs. Pacquiao pre-fight talking-heads discuss the upcoming fight that evening, Teddy Atlas (best boxing analyst name EVER) loud-talks and mumbles in fight-terms and boxing lingo we’ll never understand but we all pretend we do.
Casey (talking to himself): “Atlas looks like he’s got his ass kicked a few times, but i wouldn’t mess with him. Pacquiao needs to stop singing so damn much, and I’m not buying that wholesome, innocent smile anymore. Mayweather needs to stop being such a pompous ass, needs to stop hangin with Bieber too. Dude is like 20 years younger than him. But damn, Money Mayweather sure is rich, different colored cars for different days of the week? God, I can’t wait for this fight. If the world ends in the next 10 minutes, they better not postpone this fight in the afterlife.”
ESPN2 switches to NBA coverage, the Clippers/Spurs series is going to a game 7 tonight.
Casey (to himself): “Oh man, game 7 is tonight too. What the hell am I gonna do? The fight AND game 7 on at the same time? Does my TV have picture in picture? Is that even a thing anymore? Am I gonna have to go to a bar to watch this shit? Maybe I should just drive to Vegas. Fuck yeah, Vegas baby.”
DREAM SEQUENCE of Casey’s mind replaying “Swingers” and the car scenes driving to Vegas between Trent and Mike.
The CoLA bat-phone rings, only used for emergencies (and all other times too) so this must be important.
Casey: “Yo, who dis?”
Caller: “It’s yo momma, take your hands outta your pants, God is always watching.” (my idiot friends actually says stuff like that)
Casey: “Oh, now that you mention it, your mom’s right here next to me, wanna say hi?” (I usually say stuff like that too)
Caller: “Yo, Derby-Boxing-NBA Playoffs-Day today. Drinks, Derby Day, then the Clippers game, then the Pacquiao/Mayweather fight.”
Casey: “And then I die of exhaustion disguised as drunkeness and constant screaming. Is there a Red Sox/Yankees game today too?”
Caller: “Oh is that your vagina talking again?”
Casey: “OK, I’m on my way.”
INSERT DIAL TONE
The caller hangs up the phone, as we…CUT TO:
INT. Random Sports Bar – Night
Casey is on the verge of being passed out while standing as he leans upon a stand-up, round table, clutching a beer in the two fingers that are still functional while his friend, TIM yells loudly over the rest of the bar patrons.
Tim: “I told you son! I told you!”
If I’m alive by the end of this weekend, I’ll be surprised. Here’s a lineup of potential times for all of Saturday’s festivities:
All Times Are Eastern Time Zone
12:05pm-ish — NBA Playoffs? Bulls/Bucks?, Cavs/Bulls?, Wizards/Whoever?
1:35 pm – Yankees at Red Sox
3:00pm — Kentucky Derby pre-race! Potential horses you need to be familiar with – International Star, Dortmund, Frosted, American Pharoah, Carpe Diem, Mubtaahj, Materiality
5:30pm-ish — Kentucky Derby Main Race!!!
6pm-ish — Pacquiao VS. Mayweather UNDER-CARDS.
8pm-ish — NBA Playoffs? Clippers/Spurs Game 7?, Golden State/Memphis?
11pm-ish — Pacquiao VS Mayweather MAIN EVENT
Glad I don’t live on the east coast for days like this.