The Masters immediately reminds us how NOT cool golf really is

There’s an incredible harbinger of excitement floating around the 2018 Masters tournament, mostly due to the Tiger Woods-buzz that is the buzziest it’s been in over a decade. Everyone is ecstatic to see if Tiger can FINALLY make “his comeback”.

But even with the most marketable golfer in the the history of the game that the Scotts originally referred to as “fahking hit the ball into the hole!”, somehow the old white guys in Augusta have managed to steal some fun away from the younger crowd that they soooo need to stick around.

The tyrannical word-Nazis of Augusta have outlawed the current beer-commercial phrase of the year, “dilly dilly”.

If you shout out “dilly dilly” after a golfer whacks a drive off the teebox, you’ll be gently thrown the hell out of Augusta by a no-neck, pastel poloshirt-wearing security guard.

Ritchie reports a staffer for his site was told by a security guard they’d been handed a sheet with a list of banned phrases, which includes “dilly dilly.”

Although Budweiser’s “dilly dilly” ad primarily ran during football games last season, people have taken to yelling it at golf tournaments this year, probably because it’s hilarious.

On a similar but contradicting note, Charles Barkley hasn’t ever been thrown out of Augusta:

 

Phil Mickelson Pulled a Michael Jordan

In case you’ve been basking in the glory of the US Women’s World Cup ass-whoopin win over Japan while living in a perfect world of fair, uncorrupted competitive sports, prepare to remove your rose-colored glasses.

Here’s a quick update on the sleezy underbelly of the sports world:  In the last few days several reports starting with an ESPN Outside The Lines report, have surfaced about Phil MIckelson’s involvement in a HUGE money laundering and gambling scheme totaling at least $2.75 million out of Mickelson’s own pocket (click here).

Mickelson is golf’s highest paid player currently, taking in an estimated $51 million in 2014 from both tournament prize money and endorsements with companies including Callaway Golf, Barclays, KPMG, Exxon Mobil, Rolex and Amgen.

***Sidenote: He is also very well known to routinely play in big-money side games on the PGA Tour.

In addition to being a big money winner on the course, Mickelson is also remembered for his part of a preseason bet on the Baltimore Ravens as a 22-to-1 shot to win the Super Bowl before the 2000 season.

A+B=C tells us that:

1.  Phil Mickelson is the real-life Tin Cup.  I had no idea that was actually a documentary.

2.  Phil Mickelson will probably be forced to retire for 2 years, he’ll go attempt to play professional baseball and really suck at it, then come back to golf.

3.  Phil Mickelson is the reason the Ravens won the 2000 Super Bowl (that and Ray Lewis’ murder trial charges being dropped).

 

 

In Case You Missed It

Things you may have missed over the weekend while you were day-drinking, lying face down in a gutter and/or celebrating American Pharoah’s Triple Crown run.

Consider this your Sports-Over-The-Weekend-crash-course.  Pay attention, there will be a quiz later in the form of a  blue-book essay.  Remember those things!?!?

NBA Finals Game 2:  Lebron Ties Things Up

Lebron dug his heels into the soft, moist, fog-covered bay area ground on Sunday and loaded his tech-nine with strait-187 cop-killers (too bay-area 90s gangster rapper?) when he dropped his 5th playoff career triple-double and sealing the game 2 victory for the Mistake by the M-Lake.  Tallying up 39 points, 16 rebounds, 11 assists and one ENORMOUS eff-you, velociraptor-scream at the end of the game.  That’s a serious stat-line, in fact it put him in rare air on the playoff all-time record book:

Screen Shot 2015-06-08 at 6.50.15 PM I’ve not seen someone win an NBA Finals game on pure will, grit and GIANT intestinal fortitude the way that Lebron did this weekend since MJ dropped 38 points, 7 rebounds and 5 assists on June 11th, 1997 in the historical “Hang-Over Game”.  Oh, wait I mean the “Flu-Game”.

Triple Crown Winner:  American Pharoah Turns Left Well

For the first time since 1978 we have a Triple Crown winner in the exciting world of tiny, latin men riding shiny, big horses around a dirt track.  And for 2 minutes on Saturday, EVERYONE pretended they knew horse racing.

AmericanPharoah

There has only been 11 Triple Crown winners in history, for those of you who are equine-ically inclined, the Triple Crown consists of winning three races:  The Kentucky Derby, The Preakness Stakes and The Belmont Stakes.  So congratulations to American Pharoah and his jockey, Tattoo.  Uh, I mean Victor Espinoza.

Since Affirmed won the last Triple Crown, the USA has elected five presidents, fought three wars (that we’ve admitted to) and lived through at least three economic-oopsies (technical financial term for collapse).

Just in case you were wondering, this is the last known photo of Triple Crown Winner, Affirmed:

Yes, they put a horse on the cover of SI in 1978

Yes, they put a horse on the cover of SI in 1978

I know nothing about horse-racing, but I got a guy who tells me that Affirmed was a mudder and loved the slop.

NCAA Basketball Changed Some Rules

For the upcoming season the NCAA rules committee made some changes to rules that only basketball NERDS like myself really care about.  BUT, they will affect the game play next season quite a bit.  So here are the bullet-points:

  • The NCAA Women’s game will now consist of four, 10-minute quarters instead of two, 20-minute halves.  This is obviously a tester to see if the men should do it as well.  Which makes sense since at NO OTHER LEVEL of basketball except old-man rec hoops, do you play two, 20-minute halves.  High School and Pros are four-quarter games.
  • Coaches can NO LONGER call timeouts from the sideline during live play.  This means only players can be blamed for bad timeouts that ruin their lives.
  • The charge-area under the basket will be extended another foot to “reduce collisions at the basket”.  Essentially making the charge calls around the basket EVEN harder to get right.
  • During the use of a video review to see if a possible flagrant foul occurred, officials can penalize players who fake fouls.  They call this the “James Harden Rule”.
  • The shot-clock will be reduced from 35 seconds to 30 seconds.  Hopefully speeding up the pace of the game and NOT forcing more contested, terrible JR Smith-caliber, 25 foot, close-your-eyes and hope shots at the end of the clock.
  • The 5-second closely guarded while dribbling rule has been eliminated.  So now, a point guard can stand up top and dribble out the entire 30-second shot clock by himself without ever having to move.  I hated this change when they put it in the NBA years ago, it makes no sense to me.  In COLLEGE specifically, if I’m a defender on the ball at the top of the key, why would I EVER guard anyone beyond the three-point line now.  There’s no advantage as a defender other than gambling for a steal.  Taking away the 5-second dribbling violation turns every offense into the 1990’s Mark Jackson, back down your opponent with your HUGE ass, all the way to the paint and then jack up a baby-hook-shot offense.  Nobody wants that.

markjackson

FIFA Executive Member: Lies, Lies and more Lies

Officially, South Africa won the vote to host the 2010 World Cup 14-10. But according to allegations from a FIFA executive committee member, the tally was actually 13-11 in favor of Morocco, and some major bribes and leg-breaking threats for vote-counting led FIFA to announce the fraudulent result of South Africa.  According to yet another FIFA executive, there was ANOTHER bribe of $1 million from Morocco but they were double-crossed when South Africa’s bribe was larger.  Which makes this photo even more weird and heartbreaking:

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Also John Oliver makes good on his bet for Sepp Blatter’s resignation.

Justin Rose:  Professional Golf Spectator Assassin

Justin Rose was co-leading the Memorial at Muirfield Village when all of a sudden, on the 18th hole, his bunker shot went all shitty and smacked a spectator (who apparently was not coordinated enough to either SEE the ball or get out of the way) directly IN THE FACE.

There are your highlights to what turned out to be a very decent sports weekend.  I’m frightened for the months after the NBA is over and all we have is mid-season baseball highlights and pre-NFL mini-camp talk.  Hope you had a good Monday, I leave you with this, my moment of clarity (Daily Show Rip-Off):

 

Top Five Sports Films of All-Time

In no official order, here’s my all-time Top Five Sports Films:

  • Bull Durham

Too many classic lines from this movie to even list, “Announce my presence with authority”.

“(Coach) Ya lolly-gag around the infield, ya lolly-gag your way down to first, ya lolly-gag in and out of the dugout, Do you know what that makes you?……..Larry…………..(Larry) Lolly-gaggers.”

“(Coach) What’s our record Larry?  (Larry) Eight and sixteen.  (Coach) Eight and sixteen…….how’d we ever win eight?  (Larry) It’s a miracle.  (Coach) It’s a miracle.”

While meeting at the mound during a game:  “(Crash) Well, Nuke’s scared cause his eyelids are jammed and his old man is here….we need a live roo, was it a live rooster?  We need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose’s glove and nobody seems to know what to give Milly or Jimmy for their wedding present…that about right?  We’re dealing with a lot of shit.  (Larry) OK, well uh, candlesticks always make a nice gift, and uh, maybe you could find out where she’s registered, maybe a place-setting or silverware pattern is good.”

I could ask 20 guys what their favorite line from Bull Durham is and I’d get 20 different answers.

  • Field of Dreams

(No, I’m not in love with Kevin Costner)  Field of Dreams sums up every man’s caveman desire to create something magical and wonderful that will change the world forever while also impressing a girls……and playing catch with your Dad.  I will at some point in my life, build a baseball field in my backyard, hire local community theater-actors to play various roles from the film and play catch with a cardboard cut-out of Ray Liotta.  Although by the time this all happens, maybe Ray will be looking for that kind of work and get him for a cheap day-rate.

  • Hoosiers

Jimmy Chitwood has MAYBE four total lines in the whole movie, but they are by far the most memorable lines in the entire film.  “I’ll make it” makes my skin tingly from head to toe and my inner-twelve year-old innocence, blind belief in something good and overall hope for the future ooze out of my 30-something grinning idiot face right now as I posted that video.

  • Caddyshack

EVERY TIME I go golfing for the rest of my life, I will say “nanananananananananananananah” while putting on the practice green.  I also tend to find myself singing: “I was born to love you / I was born to lick your face / I was born to rub you / but you were born to rub me first” at least once a week while standing in an elevator by myself.  Oh, and by the way, your Uncle molests collies.

  • White Men Can’t Jump

I bet you’ve never seen the trailer for this movie until right now have you?

Due to this movie, I’ve literally said on the court, “It is haaard god-damn work being this good.” and “Hey, who you calling a goofy white muthafucker?”  This movie introduced everyone to REAL TRASH TALK on a basketball court.  Something that is sorely LACKING in the world of basketball right now.

Over The Weekend

It’s officially baseball season, we’re a week away from the NBA Playoffs, the Masters at Augusta happened, and the NFL Draft Coverage is so thick I think I need Mucinex to loosen it up before it gags me to death.

Needless to say this past weekend was full of highlights and lowlights worthy of discussion, so here’s a quick overview:

Live from the AA Texas Rangers affiliate, Frisco RoughRiders manager Joe Mikulik goes berzerk after his pitcher is tossed from the game for buzzing the tower on a batter.  Joe Mikulik is no stranger to the limelight, click here for more of his Ricky Vaughn-type antics.

  • Jose Bautista crushed a Darren O’Day pitch into the left field stands, then skip-to-my-lou’ed his way to first base which is basically the baseball version of EFF YOU DUDE!

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Probably in response to this strike out skip-rope that Darren O’Day put on him in 2013:  g65n6tjax0taqf3erdrk

  • David Ortiz called Jacoby Ellsbury a “rich bitch” and carried on the tradition of the Sox/Yankees rivalry even though half the Yankees are former Sox players (always more important to the fans than the actual players).

  • Jack Nicklaus sunk his first career hole-in-one at the par three contest at Augusta:

  • Tiger had glimpses of the vintage Tiger we all know and love, like this crazy-ass shot curved behind a tree and somehow landing on the green:

  • But then Bad Tiger showed up too:

  • Dustin Johnson hit a shot that would even make me say ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME!?!?!

  • Jordan Spieth won his first Masters and became the second youngest player to ever win by being a bad-ass and Tin-Cupping big shots like this when he probably should’ve just layed up:

  • The NBA Playoff picture is pretty much set:

Western Conference

Eastern Conference

  • And lastly, The NFL Draft Coverage has become completely annoying:

Three months ago:

Two months ago:

Three weeks ago:

One week ago:

EVEN STILL, NFL analyst and football genius, Mike Mayock just isn’t buying Jameis Winston as a #1 pick:

Click Here

Hopefully this helps you catch up with the best and worst of the weekend, have a great Monday my Cola-followers, I’ll leave you with this:

Stick a Fork in Him, cause Tiger’s ALL DONE (Overreaction Guy)

Over-reaction to terrible performances is as popular in sports as cheerleaders, beer, and cheerleaders holding beer.  BUT, I think (Overreaction Guy) it’s safe to say that we’ve seen the last of Tiger Woods being Tiger Woods.  He’s no where near what he was 10 years ago, and after several seasons of injuries, rehabs and swing adjustments, it’s fair to believe we’re watching the ghost of a formerly dominant athlete.

Much like an oversexed, burnt-out porn star, his performance at The Phoenix Open (Day one – 73, Day two – 82, missed the cut) and now at Torey Pines for the Farmers Insurance Open (he withdrew today when he reached the 12th hole due to a back injury), has shown exactly what’s been the obvious elephant in the room that no one wants to admit:  Tiger can’t get it up anymore.

And as one of my high school basketball coaches used to say, “Never up, never IN”.  He was of course referring to getting the proper arc on your jump-shot, but I feel like the metaphor works for life in general.

Come on Tiger, please get it together for one last push at greatness before your inevitable post-golf career in politics.