Johnny Manziel Is Flirting With “The Mike Tyson Zone”

Remember back before Mike Tyson became a Broadway star and a one-man show extraordinaire with a top billed-Spike Lee directed production?  (Seriously, can you believe that’s where Tyson’s career has ended up?  No one saw that coming)

Well, back when Iron Mike was the greatest show in the ring and the quickest knockout artist to put on a pair of gloves since Michael Jackson came out with Thriller.  Iron Mike was also notorious for the craziest stories and sound-bites (pun intended) of ANY professional athlete.  ANYTHING you heard about Mike Tyson, you would believe.

  • “You heard Mike Tyson knocked out Marvis Frazier in 30 seconds?!?”
  • “You hear Mike Tyson is dating Robin Givens!?!?”
  • “You hear Mike Tyson got convicted of rape?”
  • “You hear Mike Tyson got a tattoo on his FACE!?!?”
  • “You hear Mike Tyson bit Evadner Holyfield’s ear off?!?!?”

And then there was the post-fight interviews, the pre-fight interviews and basically any time he opened his mouth:

Bill Simmons coined these moments as being in the “Tyson Zone”:

The point at which a celebrity’s behavior becomes so insane, that there is literally nothing they could do that would any longer shock or surprise you, or indeed any human being.

So named after boxer Mike Tyson, who at one time was the heavyweight boxing champion of world, since which time he has 1) married a semi-famous tv-star at the time, 2) alleged to have abused said wife, 3) divorced, 4) chewed off the ear of another boxer during a match, 5) received a facial tattoo, 6) owns and tends to his pigeon coop, located on the rooftop of a New York apartment building.

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Manziel Rolling Hard With The Jersey Shore

Well folks, Johnny Manziel has started to flirt with the line that separates men from myths, the famous to infamous and the sane to just plain old crazy.
According to Deadspin and the ever-growing game of “Where’s Johnny” that the Cleveland Browns’ organization has been playing for the last 4 days, Johnny Football flew to Vegas Saturday night dawning a blonde wig, sunglasses and a fake mustache in order to stay under the radar and sneak into a club.

Our sources tell us Manziel was at a popular night club on the strip Saturday night. The QB entered wearing a blonde wig, a fake mustache, glasses, and a hoodie.

Manziel introduced himself as “Billy.” He was there into the 3am hour and when it came time to pay the bill, he asked to have it comped because he didn’t bring cash and also didn’t want to put it on his card.

However, the sources tell us he ended up paying with his card and signing the check.

Not only did he sneak away to Vegas and dress up like an ass-clown in order to hit the strip in pure incognito mode, but he also faked a photo on Instagram Saturday night claiming to be home in Cleveland hanging out with his dog, like a good boy should be the night before a game…..while you’re going through the NFL’s concussion protocol.

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Welcome to the club Johnny, you’re now officially more ridiculous than Mike Tyson.

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Johnny Football in Las Vegas

On a serious note, can we all just admit now that this kid needs serious help?  He’s obviously an alcoholic and can’t handle his own shit.  The Browns need to tape an episode of “Intervention” on the 50-yard line of Cleveland stadium right now.  Get the kid some help.

This Incredible Sports Week Continues

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The San Antonio Spurs defeated the Los Angeles Clippers last night 111-107 (cause Duncan is actually Benjamin Button) to set the series at 3-2 in the Spurs favor.  The Clippers will face elimination back in San Antonio in game 6 on Thursday.  If they can steal another win in Texas it will force the most epic sports day cluster-FU&$ I’ve seen in a long while.  Saturday, May 2nd could look like this:

INT. TheCoLA Headquarters War Room – Morning

Our main character, CASEY, wakes up around 8am.  He’s a 30-something guy’s guy with the sports-acumen of a man twice his age, but the general maturity level of a kid half his age.  A Michael Jordan fat-head is plastered above his bed.  On his nightstand (plastic milk crate) stands an autographed Bill Murray head-shot that reads, “You can’t leave, all the plants will die – Be good kid, Bill Murray”.

The TV clicks on, ESPN SportsCenter glows.

Casey (talking to himself):  “Sweet God in heaven, the NFL draft is STILL going?”

Casey clicks over to ESPN2, more Mayweather vs. Pacquiao pre-fight talking-heads discuss the upcoming fight that evening, Teddy Atlas (best boxing analyst name EVER) loud-talks and mumbles in fight-terms and boxing lingo we’ll never understand but we all pretend we do.

Casey (talking to himself):  “Atlas looks like he’s got his ass kicked a few times, but i wouldn’t mess with him.  Pacquiao needs to stop singing so damn much, and I’m not buying that wholesome, innocent smile anymore.  Mayweather needs to stop being such a pompous ass, needs to stop hangin with Bieber too.  Dude is like 20 years younger than him.  But damn, Money Mayweather sure is rich, different colored cars for different days of the week?  God, I can’t wait for this fight.  If the world ends in the next 10 minutes, they better not postpone this fight in the afterlife.”

ESPN2 switches to NBA coverage, the Clippers/Spurs series is going to a game 7 tonight.

Casey (to himself):  “Oh man, game 7 is tonight too.  What the hell am I gonna do?  The fight AND game 7 on at the same time?  Does my TV have picture in picture?  Is that even a thing anymore?  Am I gonna have to go to a bar to watch this shit?  Maybe I should just drive to Vegas.  Fuck yeah, Vegas baby.”

DREAM SEQUENCE of Casey’s mind replaying “Swingers” and the car scenes driving to Vegas between Trent and Mike.

The CoLA bat-phone rings, only used for emergencies (and all other times too) so this must be important.

Casey:  “Yo, who dis?”

Caller:  “It’s yo momma, take your hands outta your pants, God is always watching.”  (my idiot friends actually says stuff like that)

Casey:  “Oh, now that you mention it, your mom’s right here next to me, wanna say hi?”  (I usually say stuff like that too)

Caller:  “Yo, Derby-Boxing-NBA Playoffs-Day today.  Drinks, Derby Day, then the Clippers game, then the Pacquiao/Mayweather fight.”

Casey:  “And then I die of exhaustion disguised as drunkeness and constant screaming.  Is there a Red Sox/Yankees game today too?”

Caller:  “Oh is that your vagina talking again?”

Casey:  “OK, I’m on my way.”

INSERT DIAL TONE

The caller hangs up the phone, as we…CUT TO:

INT. Random Sports Bar – Night

Casey is on the verge of being passed out while standing as he leans upon a stand-up, round table, clutching a beer in the two fingers that are still functional while his friend, TIM yells loudly over the rest of the bar patrons.

Tim:  “I told you son!  I told you!”

manny-pacquiao-vs-mayweatherIf I’m alive by the end of this weekend, I’ll be surprised.  Here’s a lineup of potential times for all of Saturday’s festivities:

All Times Are Eastern Time Zone

12:05pm-ish — NBA Playoffs?  Bulls/Bucks?, Cavs/Bulls?, Wizards/Whoever?

1:35 pm – Yankees at Red Sox

3:00pm — Kentucky Derby pre-race! Potential horses you need to be familiar with – International Star, Dortmund, Frosted, American Pharoah, Carpe Diem, Mubtaahj, Materiality

5:30pm-ish — Kentucky Derby Main Race!!!

6pm-ish — Pacquiao VS. Mayweather UNDER-CARDS.

8pm-ish — NBA Playoffs?  Clippers/Spurs Game 7?,  Golden State/Memphis?

11pm-ish — Pacquiao VS Mayweather MAIN EVENT

Glad I don’t live on the east coast for days like this.

March Madness is my Christmas, and the Final Four is my New Year Celebration

Welcome to the THUNDER DOME!!

It’s my favorite time of the year, when sports betting is as prevalent in an office setting as a copy machine that claims to have a paper jam but THERE IS NO PAPER JAM.  Money exchanges hands, brackets are pined over, dismantled and remantled (is that a word?) in an artful, lust of sports debauchery that only the strong-willed can fully handle.

EVERYONE is a college hoops expert instantly due to the overwhelming amount of information that circles the internet trolling sports sites.  FML (I’m adjusting to young-kids talk), sports betting was so much easier when the only mooks on the planet that knew anything about serious action had an “O” at the end of their last name and sat in a cloud of smoke in a Sports Book waaaay off the strip.

After taking a “hiatus” from the handicapping lifestyle, which was strongly recommended by my cardiologist (after wildly spending my football dimes in Thailand with some incredibly unsavory characters, mini-horses and scorpion fighting experts for the last 3 months), I’m glad to be back in my nice warm seat here at TheCoLA headquarters in lovely, always entertaining Hollywood, CA.

You ready for some WINNERS you degenerates!?!?!  Here ya go, enjoy the stupidity:

First Round UpSet Alerts

MidWest Bracket

Texas (11-seed) OVER Butler (6-seed)

Texas is the perfect example of underachievement this regular season.  To begin with, the Longhorns barely made it in the tourney.  At the beginning of the 2014-15 season, Isaiah Taylor and Myles Turner were both thought to be potential high NBA draft picks, but after a disappointing 8-10 Big-12 conference record and let-down after let-down when playing the top tier conference teams (2-9 against higher ranked in-conference teams), Texas was an afterthought for most.  Wait, how did they get in the tourney???

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Anyway, all of that underachieving only can mean ONE thing when it comes to march Madness:  UPSET ALERT!!  Texas is big, athletic and when they play well, have the ability to compete with anyone in the country.  THIS is why I know they’ll beat a smaller, less athletic, Butler Bulldogs team (even though I love dog-mascot teams).  That’s how the tournament works, every single year.

  • sidenote:  I REALLY REALLY want to give you the Bobby Hurley-lead University of Buffalo (12-seed) OVER West Virginia (5-seed) here too, but I just can’t bring myself to do it because of this guy:

West Bracket

Wofford (12-seed) OVER Arkansas (5-seed)

Who the hell is Wofford you may ask.  Firstly, their mascot is the Terriers (gotta love a team with a dog mascot) and they reside in Spartanburg, South Carolina.  Secondly, Wofford has a stud of a senior guard who can shoot the HELL out of the ball:  Karl Cochran 14.6 ppg, 5.8 rpg, 40% fg and 38% three-point fg.

Wofford also has an incredibly stingy defense holding opponents to 59 ppg., ranking them 20th in the country in defensive efficiency, also they have a badass bronzed sculpture of a Boston Terrier on campus.

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Bronze sculpture of a terrier guarding Wofford’s campus, I’m told his name is Blitz.

  • sidenote:  I REALLY REALLY wanna give you Ohio State (10-seed) OVER VCU (7-seed), but for some reason I just can’t pull the trigger on it.  Maybe it’s because Shaka Smart is the coolest head coach in college sports.

Shaka

East Bracket

I got nothing for ya, Wyoming (12-seed) has the ever-exciting 5-12 match-up and the Cowboys aren’t beating anyone while they wear those poop-n-pee jerseys, NO CHANCE (yes, I just made you click on the words poop-n-pee).

I thought about Albany (14-seed) over Oklahoma (3-seed) because of the great storyline that everyone wants to see continue with Albany’s guard, Peter Hooley but unfortunately it’s just not gonna happen, sorry Albany.

So here’s a video-montage of Charles Barkley golfing instead of an upset pick for this bracket:

South Bracket

Davidson (10-seed) OVER  Iowa (7-seed)

  1. Davidson is one of the most effective offensive teams in the country, averaging 79.9 points per game on 47.1 percent shooting from the field.  The famous-for-being Steph Curry’s squad had won 10 straight games before losing to VCU in the A-10 tournament semifinals, lead by senior guard Tyler Kalinoski, who leads the team with 17 ppg, 5.6 rpg and 4.1 apg.
  2. I don’t like Iowa.

Stephen F. Austin (12-seed) OVER Utah (5-seed)

This is the toughest call of the first round, Utah (24-8 overall, 13-5 Pac-12) is a very good team with a VERY good player, Delon Wright.  BUT, I got a feelin………I’m high on believeing………..Stephen F. Austin’s the one for meeeeeeeeeee.

SFA is ninth in the country in scoring (79.5 ppg), FIRST in the country in assists (17.8 apg) and fifth in the country in fg% (.491%).  Which tells us this:  they are gonna come out running, passing and FIRING like a Mexican stand-off on the Runnin’ Utes of SLC.

SFA is somewhat undersized, not particularly athletic,  and kinda like the old-man rec league team that’s been playing together since they were in college and are IMPOSSIBLE to beat.

They move well without the ball, they share the ball, they shoot the ball, they run the picket fence, they have this kid named Jimmy Chitwood who doesn’t EVER TALK but can drain jumpers……..wait sorry, I lost my train of thought.

CHILLS DOWN MY SPINE.

Seriously, these SFA kids even LOOK and TALK like Hoosiers cast-members:

Well there you have it, happy betting to you all, don’t come crying to me when your brackets are all red ink and your CHALK picks don’t turn you any profit.

AND REMEMBER dear readers, the house always wins.  You play long enough, the house takes you.
Unless, when that perfect hand comes, you bet big. Then you take the house.

Week 15 Picks

Casey G now stands at a solid 19-19-3 overall this season.

T.L. Graham now stands at 16-20-2 overall this season.

Proof once again that even the most educated, motivated and well-researched individual still can’t beat the house.  Vegas is good at what they do folks, they’re really good.

So without any excuses, the Week 15 picks:

Casey G picks:

STEELERS/FALCONS

Taking Pittsburgh -3 AWAY over Atlanta

Atlanta’s entire receiving core is limping around the practice field like a 3-legged puppy up for adoption.  Big Ben is gonna sling it all over Hotlanta.

DOLPHINS/PATRIOTS

Taking New England -9 @ HOME over Miami

The Patriots are the best team in the NFL right now, don’t get it twisted.  Miami plays terrible in New England, it’s too cold for Dolphins in the great white MASS.

BUCS/PANTHERS

Taking Tampa Bay +3.5 AWAY over Carolina

Cam Newton is hurt and out for the season, he’s Carolina’s entire team.  Jonathan “Daily Show” Stewart can’t run for 3 TDs and 200 yards EVERY game the rest of the way, he also can’t throw the ball.  It’s hard to play football with no QB, just ask the Jags or the Raiders or the Vikings or the Jets.

That’s my favorite Jets highlight reel.

BRONCOS/CHARGERS

Taking Denver -5 AWAY over San Diego

Denver has to get back on track somewhere, and who better to take it in the whale’s……….then the Chargers.  Old Scowl-Face QB in San Diego can’t do it all himself, EVERY RB the chargers throw on the field gets injured within 5 plays.  Denver also will get TE fenom, Julius Thomas back this week, he’ll look to make up for lost time.

49ERS/SEAHAWKS

Taking Seattle -10 @ HOME over San Francisco

San Francisco is on the verge of breaking off from the NFC West and falling into the Bay.  Harbaugh is about two seconds from cutting his effing ear off.  Colin Kaepernick overthrows EVERY pass with the accuracy of Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn.

We suck again.