Pablo Sandoval Released Of Having To Pretend To Give A F^@k Anymore

Former Boston Red Sox third baseman, Pablo Sandoval is now officially unemployed and available for any and all commercial work, scripted TV and/or specialized mass-consumption including but not limited to all-you-can-eat rib contests, cheetos tastings and  pie eating.

Since signing a five-year, $95 million contract with the Boston Red Sox in 2015, Pablo Sandoval has been nothing short of a dumpster fire at third base.  Sandoval played just 161 games in two and a half seasons with the Red Sox, hitting .237/.360/.646 with 14 home runs.  When he wasn’t hurt or eating the third base bag, he struggled to stay in baseball shape.

His deal was one of the mathematically worst free-agent signings of all time.

It’s unlikely Sandoval will get picked back up since he’s still owed $49.5 million.  That’s close to the highest amount of dead money on a contract in major-league history, trailing Josh Hamilton’s $68.4 million, and Crash Davis’ historical buy-out in 1988 by the Durham Bulls for a reported “lifetime supply of scotch and a Porsche 911 with a quadrophonic Blaupunkt”.

Go Sox.



Willie Mays-Hayes Sighting in Atlanta As “The Freeze”

If you have siblings, and you were blessed by the good lord (praise be, under his eye) to be the oldest one of the bunch, you will revell in this athletic display of rivalry-dominance:

The 12-year-old, alpha-pre-teen version of myself mercilessly instituted a similar game plan with my younger brother when he was 5 or 6 years old (or however much younger he is than me, I’m the older brother so I can’t be bothered with dates and birthdays):

“I’ll give ya a 30 second head-start” was as classic as “I’ll play left-handed” or “I promise I won’t block your shot” or the ultimate: “Go deep…..keep going….yeah deeper….yeah keep going….yeah keep running….”

“The Freeze” will be running the basepaths and hitting lead-off for the Cleveland Indians within the week, you can guarantee it.



Curt Schilling Continues His General Asshole-ness

A few days after Orioles outfielder Adam Jones said he was berated with racist insults by fans at Fenway Park, former Red Sox pitcher/ ultimate ass-hat Curt Schilling wants to give due process to the accusations before he gives it his stamp of white-out-of-touch-rich-guy approval.

Even after other professional ball-throwers have weighed in on what to expect as a visiting team in Fenway Park, (CC Sibathia) Curt Schilling can’t quite wrap his head around the possibility that there are racist morons in the stands, just like the ones that sit in offices in DC.

“I don’t believe the story, given the world we live in. I don’t believe it, for this reason: Everybody is starving and hungry to sit in front of a camera and talk and be social justice warriors. And if a fan yelled loud enough in center field for Adam Jones to hear the N-word, I guarantee you we would’ve heard and seen fans around on CNN on MSNBC, they would’ve found multiple fans to talk about what a racist piece of junk Boston is.”

Schilling went on to give his own examples of racist-agenda communism from his playing days, citing what he sees as black people trying to perpetrate “fake racist hoaxes” against white people. He was never very clear about what the end goal of those falsities were, but he was adamant that Jones’s story was “bullshit.”

“I spent most of my adult life in baseball parks. I heard the N-word out of my black teammates’ mouths about 100 million times,” Schilling continued. “For somebody to talk loud enough for Adam Jones to hear the N-word in center field, other people would have heard it.

“If somebody did say it, we’re going to see it and hear about it, and I would apologize to Adam Jones for doubting him, but until then, I think this is bulls—t. I think this is somebody creating a situation.”

At this point you’re probably thinking, “Wow, Curt Schilling is a dick-head who probably says the N-word a lot when only white people are around”.

And yeah, you’re probably right.  But it’s not over, the Curt decided to further his white-intelligence with a gorgeous cherry on top.  He quoted rap lyrics on twitter:

Pretty safe to say that Curt Schilling will never quite understand anyone who isn’t white, republican and rich.  But maybe I’m making a quick assumption about someone JUST because I read their tweets and listened to them make ridiculous accusations publicly.




You Know It’s A Slow Time In Sports When…..


Yesterday a guy dove head first into the Yankees dugout, knocked himself unconscious and then was arrested.

This description of events, from the New York Daily News, is funny:

“It kind of freaked me out, actually,” Girardi said. “I think he tried to jump in, but he was probably not in a state to be walking.”

Girardi said the fan landed on the steps, hitting his side after falling from the top of the dugout. He tried to get up and fell again, this time hitting the back of his head. Stadium security moved quickly to apprehend the fan and escorted him out of the dugout and off the field.


I couldn’t find any video of the events, so here’s a squirrel doing squirrel things:

And in Little League World Series news, this happened:


Also, this happened:

Prince Fielder Might Be Done


Prince Fielder underwent neck surgery on July 29 for the second time since 2014.  According to Ken Rosenthal, the 32-year-old slugger isn’t technically retiring.  Instead, Rosenthal reported, “He is medically disabled and doctors will not clear him to play.”

Screen Shot 2016-08-09 at 7.14.50 PM

That’s an important distinction in the semantic/contractual world.  It means Fielder will receive the $96 million remaining on his contract, which runs through 2020.  The Detroit Tigers are on the hook for $6 million per year.  The Rangers, meanwhile, have an insurance policy that will pay 50 percent of their $18 million annual commitment, per Evan Grant of the Dallas Morning News.

The real number that is staggering in the story of Prince Fielder is 319.  That’s the total number of homeruns in his 12 year career.  It’s also the EXACT same number his father, Cecil, hit in 13 MLB campaigns.  Read that again….both Cecil and Prince Fielder hit 319 homeruns a piece.  What!?!?!

To say that’s a numerical anomaly would be an incredible understatement of Seinfeldian dry sarcasm.  How does that happen?!?!?  The number 319 is the baseball cosmic equivalent of deja’ vu or kismet when it comes to the Fielder family.  If this is indeed Prince’s last hooray, what a weird stat-nerd way to go out.  Baseball is all about numbers and statistical analysis, and this one can’t be explained by any earthly science, it;s truly baseball gods at work.

Junior and Piazza Voted In The HOF


Ken Griffey Jr. was elected to baseball’s Hall of Fame on Wednesday with the highest voting percentage ever (99%), and Mike Piazza (as ladies with barbed-wire tattoos swoon) will join the esteemed company in Cooperstown, NY.

Griffey made his way onto 437 of 440 ballots in his first appearance on the Baseball Writers’ Association of America ballot.  Quick math deduction skills lets me know that the total of 99.3 % topped the previous high-mark of 98.84 %, set when Tom Seaver appeared on 425 of 430 ballots in 1992.  The real question is; WHO ARE THE ASSHOLE, BASEBALL-DICK-WRITERS THAT DIDN’T VOTE FOR JUNIOR?

The voters who didn’t vote-in Griffey on his first ballot are the epitome of stick-in-the-mud bullshit artists posing as sports writer-demigods.  THIS IS WHAT’S WRONG WITH BASEBALL!  How is Ken Griffey Jr. NOT a unanimous decision?!?!?

This is how I picture the voting process: these ass-hats sat in their barcaloungers and scribbled names onto a scan-tron test sheet with a red crayon while Looney Tunes played on the TV in the background, completely ignoring their microwave meatloaf dish that their mom begrudgingly prepared for them.

When Bugs Bunny popped out of his wabbit-hole and delivered his catch-phrase line, “Ehhhhh, what’s up doc?”, these jabronis laughed hysterically like the mullet-dawning, Bud Light swigging, America’s Funniest Home Videos watching dorkwhores that they are……..and then they forgot to write in Griffey’s name.

That’s the only conclusion I can come up with that explains why Junior was not 100% voted in, but maybe I missed something.


the greatest swing in baseball history

Griffey was a 13-time All-Star outfielder and finished with 630 career homers, putting him at sixth on the career list (and no steroids).  In an era that was consumed with homeruns and steroid allegations, Griffey was never tied to any scandals or any PED use, he was the definition of what baseball needed at the time.  A great athlete who bashed homers and played the game the “right way”.  He single-handedly made the game cool and fun to watch again during an over-muscled, steroid-tainted era (thanks McGwire, Sosa, Clemens, Bonds).  And yet 3 HOF voters didn’t see him as a first-ballot selection to Cooperstown.



Mike Piazza was a 12-time All-Star with a .308 career batting average, Piazza became the top offensive catcher in big league history as well as the trailer-park’s answer to George Clooney.  Seriously, EVERY lady secretly was in love with Piazza’s pretty-boy with a mullet, Camaro-driving, mustache-ride style.

He hit better than .300 in nine straight seasons and finished with 427 home runs, including a record 396 when he was in the game behind the plate.  Piazza received 83% of the votes to make his way into the HOF on his fourth appearance.

“Incredibly special. Wow,” Piazza said on a call with MLB Network.

“I sat here with my mouth on the floor,” he said.

“Yogi Berra had like four ballots. Joe DiMaggio had three ballots,” Piazza said. “And so myself being sort of a student of the history of the game, and having respect for the process, it was nail-biting at times, but I had a tremendous amount of support throughout my career from the writers and the fans.”

Just for perspective:

A player needs 75 % of the votes to make the HOF, this year Jeff Bagwell missed by 15 votes and Tim “Rock” Raines missed by 23. Trevor Hoffman, on the ballot for the first time, was 34 votes short.

There were solid increases for a pair of steroiders. Roger Clemens rose to 45 percent and Barry Bonds to 44 percent, both up from about 37 percent last year.

****sidenote: Pete Rose STILL isn’t in the HOF, and he didn’t touch steroids.  Greatest hitter of all time, NOT in the HOF.

The Weirdest Post Season Inning EVER

In an EPIC game 5 last night in Toronto, the Blue Jays beat the Rangers, 6-3 to advance to the ALCS.  Please god, gimme a Cubs vs. Blue Jays World Series, that’s the only way I’ll care enough to watch every game and pretend to be interested.

Having said that, the 7th inning in last night’s contest was the most ridiculous, ludicrous-speed inning of baseball I’ve ever seen:

  1. Blue Jays’ catcher Russell Martin bounced the throwback to the pitcher off Shin Soo Choo’s bat, leading to a run for Texas and leading to me saying, uh….what the hell just happened?
  2. Score is now 3-2 Rangers.  Blue Jays fans started throwing whatever they could find onto the field in total-respectful and not offensive-disgust.  TONS of Labatt Blue bottles, french fries with gravy, canadian bacon and flapjacks with maple syrup were hurled while polite and sensitive passive aggressive phrases were spoken loudly to, but not screamed at the umpires.
  3. Now to the bottom of the 7th inning; Blue Jays are up to bat, Russell Martin hits an easy grounder to Elvis (we gotta win this race) Andrus, and he boots it.  HOLY BALLS!  I could’ve made that play!  This is just the beginning folks, get your popcorn ready.
  4. THE NEXT BATTER, easy double-play ball hit to Rangers’ first baseman, Mitch Moreland…..who throws the ball into the dirt at second base!  WTF is going on!?!?! That’s two errors in a row!!  I can’t wait to see what happens next.
  5. THE NEXT BATTER, sacrifice bunt to move the runners, Rangers Adrian Beltre makes a great play on the ball, turns and fires to third base to get the force out on the lead runner (Russell Martin reached by an error)….and Elvis (mid-1970s Elvis version) Andrus DROPS THE THROW!  That’s TWO errors in less than 10 minutes for Andrus!?!?!  THREE CONSECUTIVE PLAYS with errors!  I had no idea Buffalo Wild Wings was a Toronto Blue Jays fan:
  6. IT’S STILL NOT OVER!  Jays’ Josh Donaldson is up with the bases loaded.  He hits a dumpster-fire of a dying quail over the back-peddling, “Scotty Smalls” at second base.  Ball drops in for a hit.  One run scores.  The Rangers manage to get a force out at second base.
    • Tom-Guiry-as-Scotty-Smalls-in-The-Sandlot-tom-guiry-24441450-1360-768thesandlot_3
  7. So now there’s a man on first and third, we’re tied up at 3-3, a few batters later we got JOEY BATS (Jose Bautista) up to the plate.  And this happens:

Game, set, match….Blue Blouses.

Of course today all anyone can talk about is the bat-flip from Jose Bautista after he tattooed the ball over the left field fence, because everyone has to be mad about something these days.

I’m sure next season, first game of the next series between Toronto and Texas, the Texas pitcher will plunk Bautista in the back with a 90 mph fastball to “teach him a lesson” for the bat-flip.

All the older-than-50 sportswriters will agree that it was the right thing to do and it’s the “unwritten rules of baseball” that allows players to police themselves and maliciously throw a hard-as-shit baseball at someone’s body on purpose as hard as they can with the intention of hurting them….but that’s ok as long as it’s because the guy flipped his bat after a homerun.  Here’s an idea of “self-policing” for all these “unwritten rules” in baseball, specific to the Rangers:  How about you don’t commit three consecutive errors and then give up a 3 run home run all in the same inning to lose the series and end the season for your team??  How about you concentrate on that instead of worrying about a guy celebrating after a homerun?!?!

When Joey Bats hits a game clinching, go-ahead, series-killing, pancake-n-syrup, MONSTER home run in the ALDS, I think he has the right to flip his bat in the air in celebration.  He flipped his bat in the air….that’s all…..what’s wrong with that?  It’s not like he threw the bat at the pitcher or whipped out his mini-bat and started chasing guys around the diamond or anything.

So, lemme get this strait, it’s NOT ok for the batter to flip his bat in the air after a homerun, BUT it is ok for a pitcher to throw a fastball at his back ON PURPOSE the next time he’s up to the plate to “send a message”?

I call bullshit.