Breaking News: Russian Athletes Are STILL Doped Up

 

Calling in sick on the day of an athletic drug test is sorta like when your boss walks into the room and says “we’re going to have you all attend a team-building seminar in the conference room today for 4 hours, it’s mandatory.” and you immediately jam your fingers down your throat and puke in the garbage can in front of everyone so you can go home and take a “sick day”.

Well, apparently Russian athletes have never been to a team-building seminar:

Over the weekend, 36 Russian athletes withdrew from a track-and-field competition in Siberia at the last minute following the unexpected arrival of storm troopers…..er uh, drug testers.  Many of those who chose not to participate cited spontaneous illness.  Surprisingly an investigation is already underway and even Dmitry Shlyakhtin, the President of Russia’s Athletics Federation and free yearly spray-tan radio contest winner, doesn’t seem to be buying the mass-illness excuse.

“On the contrary, we ourselves went to this, prepared this situation, because we understand that we have a lot of problems at the bottom, stated that without the help of [Russian Anti-Doping Agency] we will not be able to improve this situation. “

— Dmitry Shlyakhtin

The Russian national athletics team consists of track-and-field events as well as road racing and speed walking, has already been banned from international competitions, including the Summer Olympics in Rio and the upcoming Winter Olympics in South Korea.

And yet, Russian Athletics Federation Director Andrei Kruporushnikov said that the persistent and prevalent doping problem in Russian sports is contained to lower level competitions, like the one in Siberia.  Stating that Russia’s top athletes are “the cleanest and most checked in the world.”  Sounds like a Trumpian response, I wonder why that is?

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North Korea Meets With South Korea, Talks Olympics, Nukes & Trump

North Korea and South Korea just finished up their first official diplomatic talks in over two years, the two sides were able to agree that the DPRK will participate in their first Winter Olympics since 2010.  Meaning the Koreas sat down at the dinner table and also decided to reopen a military hotline, pledging to hold further talks.  Both sides confirmed that “current military tension must be resolved.”  South Korea will temporarily lift sanctions on North Korea, allowing them to participate in next month’s Olympics.

What does this mean?  North Korea will send athletes, delegates, reporters and fans to the Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang, South Korea next month marking the first time North Korea has sent any athlete to South Korea since before the 1988 boycott of the Seoul Olympic “Tony The Tiger” games.

What else does this mean?  North Korea STILL hates Donald Trump and the USA.  North Korean officials declined to discuss their nuclear weapons program, saying in a statement that only the U.S. needed to worry about nukes, not their “brethren” in South Korea. “This is not a matter between North and South Korea, and to bring up this issue would cause negative consequences and risks turning all of today’s good achievement into nothing,” the statement said.   South Korea’s unification minister added,“We will closely coordinate with the United States, China, Japan and other neighbors in this process.”

Fast-forward to later this week, when Trump alzheimer-tweets some sort of ill-advised, cyberbully statement about how North and South Korea have the shortest athletes in the world….or something else that’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard this week.  He’s going to ruin the Olympics somehow.  It’s his destiny.

The Greatest Game You Never Saw

The greatest/closest thing to a real-life video game I’ve ever seen in my life was the 1992 Olympic “Dream Team”.  The best team that has EVER been assembled across the board, top to bottom, inside and out.  There has never been a better team in any sport.  There has never been anything like it on earth since.

Just to refresh:

1)  The US team won by an average margin of 43 points per game on it’s way to the Gold Medal.

2)  The players signed autographs for the opposing teams before, after and even during the games.

3)  This roster was so good……..HOW GOOD WAS IT??

This roster was so good, that the 2-time college player of the year (Christian Laettner) was the worst player on the team and barely saw the floor (take that Dukies).

1992-NBA-Dream-Team 4)  Charles Barkley kicked a guy in the chest after he dunked on him.

The Dream Team was basketball played at it’s highest possible level, combining the greatest athletes in the world with the greatest coaches in the world.  The other countries didn’t stand a chance.  I watched every minute of the 1992 Olympic basketball games, but I missed the best game ever played:

 

 

written by: Casey S. Gutting