The NFL Ruins Another Fantasy Receiver’s Day

The NFL changed its replay rules this year to create a decision-making Czar who is defined as: “a designated member of the Officiating department at the League office.”  That particular nerd in front of a TV-official is located at a desk in New York City and is in charge of communicating the dumb-fuckery he sees in a monitor from hundreds to thousands of miles away directly with the referee on the field.  The referee on the field then  consults with the round-table of zebras on the field and regurgitates the NYC decision to the rest of the world.

While every fantasy football owner and general fan of the team/player in question sits on pins and needles (literally if you live in Buffalo), inevitably the ref on the field with the microphone clicks onto public-mode and crushes dreams in real time.

It gets even worse when the refs on the field don’t understand why a catch was ruled NOT a catch:

NFL rule 15-2-3 states this: “A decision will be reversed only when there is clear and obvious visual evidence available that warrants the change.”

“Clear and Obvious” sounds like the title for the inevitable biopic film based on Caitlyn Jenner starring the “Going Clear” mega-star, Tom Cruise.

During the game, CBS aired replays from several angles, you be the judge:

Rarely do I agree with anything that CBS’s officiating studio-stooge and Dean Cain stand-in candidate, Dean Blandino says but…..

Even FOX Sports’ own version of Dean Blandino seemed to agree with his network-nemesis of truth and fake news on this matter:

For a league that places 100% of it’s own financial success on a Quarterback’s health and ability to throw it deep, they sure do manage to take away valid catches and scores on a VERY consistent basis.  This catch-non catch rule is a tidal wave of contradiction and inconsistency, which is pretty much on-par for the rest of the NFL’s dealings in general.  So by that standard, the league’s officials and NYC office are right on track for another jelly-of-the-month club kind of season.

Can’t wait to see what kind of rule the NFL puts into place this off-season to take this sinking battleship further into the abyss.  There’s already talk of microchips inside the footballs, drone cameras hovering over the field like a plague of tech-locusts and a reward for kickers who boot the ball between the uprights on a kick-off.

Like, maybe a cookie or something.  By the way, I hate fantasy football and it’s slowly killing me inside.  When I die, I want my headstone to read: “He should’ve just played Tyreek Hill”.

 

 

NFL Week 1 Overreaction – Quick Week 2 Preview

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Football is finally back!  Coach Belichick is so excited he nearly knocked over his wife with a Brady/Gisele baby-making level pregame kiss.

The overreaction Tuesday morning was staggering, after week 1 of the NFL season every analyst and fan is more ready to boom or bust than a porn star who’s nominated for best actress in a multi-character scene award at the Stiffy’s.

Week 1 Most Impressive Win

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No Tom Brady?  No problem.  Traveling 2,600 miles to play an NFC Superbowl contender with an aggressive, scary defense?  No problem.  Jimmy Garoppolo starting for the first time in his career?  No problem.  No Gronk?  No problem.

Jimmy Garoppolo threw for 264 yards and a touchdown, leading the New England Patriots to a 23-21 victory over the favored Arizona Cardinals.

Arizona’s Chandler Catanzaro missed a 47-yard field goal with 41 seconds to play that would’ve given the Cards the game (ouch).  The “laces-out-Dan” came after Garoppolo directed the Patriots from their own 19 to the Arizona 15 to set up Stephen Gostkowski‘s 23-yard field goal for what proved to be the winner with 3:44 to play.

Why does it feel like the Pats are gonna go 3-1 or 4-0 without Brady and then cruise through the regular season?  It just feels like the hurricane is coming when they get healthy.

Week 1 Most Disappointing Loss

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My word the Rams looked terrible.  I’m forever convinced that whatever team is the focus of HBO’s Hard Knocks, is destined to have a terrible season similar to the “Madden Curse”.  The Rams offense looked like an unfolded lawn chair on Sunday.  Top 3 fantasy running back and Carl’s Junior burger rep, Todd Gurley, ran for 47 yds on 17 carries, while the “I guess he’s our starter” QB, Case Keenum tossed for 130 yds on 17-30 passing.  The Rams consumed a total of 10 first downs the entire game, and 185 total yards which ranks them 31st in the league (how is that NOT last place?  Oh yeah, Buffalo).  The 49ers are on the brink of full dumpster-fire status and yet the Rams are currently worse, I know it’s a long season but the inaugural return football to LA looks like any Nic Cage movie NOT titled “Raising Arizona” or “The Rock” or “Face Off”……..just BAD from the very first second.

  Week 1 Most Annoying Topic

Josh Norman NOT shadowing Antonio Brown, thus AB proceeding to torch the Redskins in video game-ish form going for 126 yards receiving and 2 TDs.  Seriously, Antonio Brown is more unguardable than Steph Curry would be if the defender was wearing ice skates.

Having said that, it’s mind-boggling that the Redskins DIDN’T put Norman on Brown the entire game.  There’s no answer that makes sense for that strategy.  “Don’t let the other guys beat us” strategies very rarely work, especially in the NFL when it comes to an offense that clicks harder than Adam Sandler with a remote control and a badly conceptualized comedy.

But at this point, I’ve heard enough.  Move on from Josh Norman and the Redskins, they don’t matter in the NFC anyway, it’s Carolina and Arizona’s conference to lose this season.

Week 2 (and future) Questions

  1. Is Denver real?  Can they keep the running game going and hide the fact that they really don’t have a QB?  Or will Simeon turn into a player?
  2. Will Carolina lose another game this season?
  3. What the hell is going on with Seattle?
  4. Oakland is scary folks, seriously.  Check them out.
  5. Pittsburgh’s offense may end up being the best in the NFL this season, can they do enough on defense and stay healthy enough to make another Superbowl run?  (I really like watching Big Ben play QB, don’t you?)

Tom Brady–Peyton Manning Rivalry As Defined By Wikipedia (before yesterday)

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–Brady-Manning Rivalry is an actual topic on Wikipedia–

Rivalry:

Manning and Brady have played each other seventeen times, with Brady leading the head-to-head series 11-6, although they are currently tied 5-5 over their last 10 meetings (which encompasses the past 10 seasons). Brady leads the Colts–Patriots series 8-4[10] and also leads the Broncos-Patriots series 3-2.[11] Brady leads the series in Foxborough 8-2 (7-2 at Gillette Stadium), Manning leads the series in Indianapolis/Denver 4-3.[11] The most recent road win for either quarterback in the rivalry was Brady’s 2007 win at Indianapolis.

The two quarterbacks have met five times in the NFL Playoffs, with Manning leading the playoff series 3-2. Four of the five matchups have been in the AFC Championship Game, with Manning having won three of the four.

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 The Tom Brady–Peyton Manning rivalry is a series of games between two of the greatest quarterbacks in the National Football League (NFL): Tom Brady and Peyton Manning.  Brady has played for the New England Patriots since 2000 when he was the 199th pick in the sixth round of the NFL Draft.  He has been the starter since 2001, after Drew Bledsoe was injured early in the season, and has been so since, with the exception of the 2008 NFL season when he tore his ACL in the opening game.  Manning was drafted by the Indianapolis Colts in the 1998 NFL Draft with the number 1 pick and played for the Colts until a neck injury caused him to miss the 2011 NFL season.  After the season, Manning signed with the Denver Broncos.

NFL Playoff Picks & Predictions – Degenerate Gambler Edition

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What a weekend we have ahead of us huh!?!!?  Vegas is humming like the north-end of a south-bound lady-of-the-night making her living behind dive bars and strip clubs in the old part of downtown.  THIS IS FOOTBALL BABY!

Ya bunch of degenerate, gambling, Draft Kings-Fan Duel flunkies!  Let’s get it ON!

NFL history was made last weekend, I beat my previous record of 100 beers in 36 hours (2.78 BPH) with a staggering NEW HIGH-SCORE rate of 3.1 BPH (beers per hour) as I screamed into the TV on Sunday night with great conviction: “Fuggin Redskins are racists, the helmets prove it!  A-A-Ron is so good though, and he’s bangin that orie-asian lady on the TV-movies…..who’s her name?  LLLhonda LLousey?”  

I’m told that it all went downhill from there,  I remember darkness and a vague recollection of porcelain pressed against my cheeks.  Take that for what it’s worth.

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Last weekend, for the first time ever, all four road teams were victorious in the same playoff round.  So, what the hell does that mean for this weekend’s games?  NOTHING.  Not a damn thing.  What a stupid question.  Seriously, we’re all now dumber for you asking that question.

Having said that, here’s your predictions for the Divisional round of the playoffs:

Chiefs @ Patriots

The Pats are a 4-point favorite in this one, playing at home in a divisional playoff game…and last time I checked they STILL have Tom Brady and the Mad Genius Bill Belichick at the helm.  They get Julian Edelman back this week from a 7-week injury hiatus.  The Patriots haven’t lost a home playoff game since 2012, and  IT’S THE FAHHHKKKINNNN PATRIOTS!  Are you kiddin me!?!?

PATS by 7 for the win and the cover.

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Packers @ Cardinals

Arizona is a 7-point favorite in this matchup.  BET THE HOUSE ON ARIZONA COVERING this spread.  Are you kidding me!?!?  Two weeks ago the Cards put the Discount Double-Check on the Packers 38-8 and made Aaron Rodgers look like Charlie Brown’s special-needs cousin (Lenny Brown).  Seriously, Rodgers was on his ass more than a quadriplegic bobsledder in that game.

Cards by 17 for the win and MORE than the cover.

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Seahawks @ Panthers

Carolina is a 1-point favorite, playing at home in the house that Cam built.  THIS is the game of the weekend.  Last week’s Seattle “win” (The Vikings lost that game) in Minnesota was a a disgusting display of football played in the worst conditions I’ve seen since Sylvester Stalone was hanging off that icey-thundra of a cliff in that action flick back in the 90s……what was that movie called?  “Rock Climber”?  Yeah, that’s it.

A few GREAT plays by Russell Wilson saved the Seahawks from Mother Nature and the Vikings.  He’s a MAAAAAAAGIC MAAANNNNNN.  Who’s air is this?  It’s Russell Wilson’s air:

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Carolina’s dream-season will end this weekend ladies and germs.  I love me some Cam Newton, but they’re gonna run out of steam and the dabbin will be extremely Seahawk-one-sided on Sunday.  Seattle’s experience and winning formula is gonna prove to be too much meat for Carolina’s hot sauce.

Oh yeah, did I mention that Beast Mode is back?

Seahawks by 4 for the win and the cover.

Dec 9, 2012; Seattle, WA, USA; Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman (25) is accompanied by safety Kim Chancellor (31) and free safety Earl Thomas (31) on a 19-yard interception return for a touchdown against the Arizona Cardinals at CenturyLink Field. Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-USA TODAY Sports

Steelers @ Broncos

Denver is the 7.5-point favorite in this one, playing at home in the Mile HIGH (weed) City.  “Ain’t no mountain HIGH (weed) enough, Ain’t no river LOW (Steelers) enough, Ain’t no river WIDE (point spread) enough……to keep me from getting to YOU (Broncos) babe (weed).”

The Steelers are INCAPACITATED by injuries.

Antonio Brown=OUT

DeAngelo Williams=OUT

L’Veon Bell=OUT

Big Ben=PROBABLE.

Roethlisberger is an ogre of a man and apparently doesn’t need knees, shoulders or even arms to play football.  If the NFL was the Academy Award Nominated Film “The Revenant”, then Big Ben would be the Mama Bear that kicks the shit outta Leonardo DiCapprio and leaves him for dead.  In that same scenario, does that make the Bengals Leonardo DiCapprio?  Hmmmmmmmm, interested sub-topic brewing…….

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Even though the Broncos Quarter Back situation is a tad bit……um…….sketchy?  I still take Denver’s defense and the hopeful ability to run the ball over the completely emasculated Steelers.  Denver has weapons on the outside that can make plays even if Peyton can’t throw the ball more than 15 yards, and the Denver running game has started to find it’s stride the last few weeks.  Denver has tallied up 325 total rushing yards in the last two games, 2 rushing TDs and a very decent yard per carry average at 6.37.

Broncos by 10 for the win and the cover.

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So if you’re counting fingers and toes at home, that’s New England win and cover, Arizona win and cover, Seattle win and cover,  and Denver win and cover.  Four games, all spreads covered.

No go forth to love and serve the football gods.  Praise be to cheerleaders with short skirts and questionable morals.

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Who Sucks? NFL Edition: Week 2

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Objectively, I must warn you that I am in fact a bit of an idiot (pause for punchline)……….savant, so some of this will only make sense in my head and my head only.  The good news is you can stop reading at any time and go back to your bean-counting or ditch-digging and totally disregard the TRUTH bomb that I’m about to lay all over your face.  Sorry in advance if you’re a Eagles, Bills, Browns or Jags fan.

Who Sucks in the NFL: Week 2 Edition

  1.  Chip Kelly:  You traded and/or released every good player from the Philly roster in the off-season, replacing them with Mr. Glass (Sam Bradford) at QB and even attempted to revive Tim Tebow’s career (Jesus thanks you).  To your credit, you did add last season’s leading rusher, DeMarco Murray.  But you have yet to teach him or any of the other new editions (Bobby Brown) your metaphysical, rainbows and unicorn-based offensive playbook.  DeMarco Murray is on pace for 88 yards rushing…….FOR THE SEASON.  Sam Bradford looks like he forgot which end to hold the football when he goes to throw it and constantly seems to be saying to his receivers, “I thought you were gonna button-hook….” after incompletions.
  2. Pete Carroll and the Seahawks coaching staff:  You traded arguably the best Center in the league for arguably the best Tight End in the league and you refuse to run plays for him or throw him the damn ball.  Jimmy Graham has been targeted 10 times in two games, has 7 catches for 62 yds and 1 TD.  He had 1 catch for 11 yds in week 2 against the Packers and looked like a third-string practice player wandering around the field aimlessly looking for his helmet.  Through two games, 20 tight ends have more receiving yards than he does. Darrell Bevell, the offensive coordinator for Seattle said getting the ball to Jimmy would be a point of emphasis moving forward from week 2.  Really?  It took you two weeks to come to that conclusion?  Jimmy needs the damn ball, JIMMY needs to score TDs, Jimmy’s new in town…..Jimmy doesn’t really know anyone:    
  3. The Jacksonville Jaguars, Cleveland Browns and Buffalo Bills: Seriously, you all suck and you are ruining fantasy football which is even worse than actually sucking ON the football field.  You’ve all been hyped up with “expectations” and “potential” and big tough-guy words (Rex Ryan) during the off-season so much that everyone thought MAYBE some of it was true.  It’s not.  Your fantasy existence is that of an annoying cut on the inside of your mouth that would heal if you could only stop accidentally re-biting it.

    Jags:  Julius Thomas is hurt and will never be healthy, ALL your receivers are a complete and total crap-shoot and utterly undependable on a weekly basis, so is Blake Bortles.


    Browns: Manziel is a trainwreck of a dumpster fire and will be exciting, inconsistent and revolting all at the same time.  In addition, Travis Benjamin is the WORST fantasy receiver of all time (and we’re only 2 weeks in), in two games he’s totaled 6 catches, 204 yds and 3 TDs including 2 of those touchdowns being OVER 50 yard pass plays……yet EVERY analyst out there says “don’t add him, this can’t possibly last it’s a two-game fluke”.  So now that I’ve said that, go ahead and add him to your roster, play him next week and he’ll inevitably put up a ZERO every week for the rest of the season, then you can cry yourself to sleep on your cardboard box-bed since your girlfriend kicked you out of the house for sucking at Fantasy Football.


    Bills:  Rex Ryan may be a fan favorite and a player’s coach, but he needs to shut the hell up.  He’s a bigger distraction to his team then he is an actual coach.  He doesn’t take the spotlight off of the players in order to help them prepare for the next game in a positive way, instead he sucks in bullshit with his giant mouth-hole and becomes a lightning rod of annoying, drunk-uncle speeches.  Anyone else tired of Rex Ryan saying, “This loss is on me”.  Yeah, we know Rex….we know.  Oh, and news flash:  LeSean McCoy isn’t gonna be healthy all season, I can just feel it down in my cockles (and it stings when I pee).

  4.  Dallas Cowboys fans:  Let me explain:  You’ve lost Tony Romo for at least 8 weeks, you’ve lost Dez Bryant for 6-10 weeks depending on which etch-a-sketch sports news report you’re watching, you LOST DeMarco Murray to an inner-division rival and have replaced him with a committee (ANY time there’s a committee, it’s bad news) that’s produced 183 yds and 1 TD rushing between three guys in two games.  I know, I know that’s a better stat than DeMarco’s terrible start to this season…..but that’s on Chip Kelly, DeMarco is a baller and you all know it to be true.  Anyway, you’re about to start Brandon Weeden at QB, who has a career QBR of 73.4 and has a 1-to-1 TD to INT ratio.  On paper, the 2015 season should be over already.  BUT thanks to the NFC East Division: Football For the Underachievers, you’re actually STILL most people’s front-runner to win the division and go to the playoffs.  That’s how bad the NFC East is folks, you can lose your QB, your #1 receiver, your #1 RB and still have a shot at winning the division.  THAT’S why you suck Dallas fans, because you still have something to root for and now all anyone will hear all season is the shoulda-coulda-woulda’s about IF Dez hadn’t got hurt and IF Romo hadn’t got hurt.  Question for you:  What if you trade for RGIII?  Is that something that would interest you?
  5.  Buffalo Bills fans attending home games:  AGAIN, let me explain.  Apparently a fad has become prevalent in Buffalo NY, I can only imagine it’s due to the cold weather and abundance of brown water available in the stadium (adult content below):

    Seriously, what the hell is going on in Buffalo?

  6. Roger Goodell:  Ignoring the obvious multi-billion dollar industry that he runs and the fact that he earns $40 million a year for the job he’s doing.  Basically every fan hates Goodell, and now Tom Effing Brady and the New England Effing Patriots are throwing a big middle finger to the sky and ROLLING through anyone in their way, treading right over Roger Goodell and his beloved “NFL Shield”.  Watch, they’re gonna end up in the Super Bowl again and what happens when/if they win it again?  Is Goodell gonna try to slap ANOTHER badly investigated accusation on them in the off-season??  Does Tom Brady stand up in the post-game with the Lombardi Trophy in one hand and the Super Bowl MVP trophy in the other and tell Goodell, “You get nothing!  You LOSE!  Good day sir!!”           
                Goodell made mistakes in the Ray Rice situation, he made mistakes in handling the Adrian Peterson situation and then double-downed HARD on deflategate but was bitch-slapped by The Golden Boy and the Patriots organization in court.  What’s next?  What’s the encore for 2015?  Gonna decide to come down hard on those pesky, self-medicating marijuana users in the NFL this season (even though it’s legal in almost half the NFL states)?

Gronk Confused

Watching Gronk’s reaction is priceless, he looks like a puppy when you fake throw a ball over his head.

The puppy stands with a tilted head to the side looking all…….Gronk-ish.  With a confused-half-grin, Gronk is still excited but not sure why.

Maybe Gronk was waiting on a deflategate joke?

After the trick, Gronk was quoted off-camera:

“Gronk no like football no more, small man make football scary when he hide Gronk’s talky-talk inside ball and throw to touchdown place.”

“Mat Franco’s Got Magic” will air on NBC on Thursday night at 9 p.m. ET.

Thank God For The Internet

Now that Deflategate is HOPEFULLY over and done with.  That was a tough, long 9-month football pregnancy.  Let’s just appreciate the internet trolls and what they do:

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“I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone. I guess I just miss my friend.”

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Tom Brady Is A Free Man (waiver wire, add player!)

The golden boy of the NFL was slapped on the wrist 9 months ago by the flying nun of a commissioner Roger Goodell when he was suspended 4 games for the Deflategate investigation.  BUT as of this morning Tom Brady’s appeal of his suspension was upheld (reversed?) in a FEDERAL COURT.  Tom Brady is a free man.

Judge Richard M. Berman of Federal District Court in Manhattan did not rule on whether Brady tampered with the footballs (because he obviously did??) in a bid for competitive advantage.  Instead, he focused on the real question at hand; whether the collective bargaining agreement between the NFL and the players union gave Goodell the authority to carry out the over-the-top (Sylvester Stallone) suspension.

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Judge Berman ruled that it did not:

“The court finds that Brady had no notice that he could receive a four-game suspension for general awareness of ball deflation by others or participation in any scheme to deflate footballs, and noncooperation with the ensuing investigation,’’ Berman wrote.

“No N.F.L. policy or precedent notifies players that they may be disciplined (much less suspended) for general awareness of misconduct by others,’’ he added.

Even if the league believed Brady had obstructed the investigation by the random and yet planned destruction of a cellphone before it could be fully examined, the judge sided with Brady’s argument that “there is no evidence of a record of past suspensions based purely on obstructing a league investigation.”
Brady may have knowingly had the balls deflated by 1 psi, but the fact that the league couldn’t actually prove it made the suspension of Brady completely ridiculous and unwarranted. 

It’s not what you know, it’s what you can prove.

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Did Tom Brady know about the footballs being under-inflated?  Yes, he more than likely did.

Did it give him a competitive advantage?  Very doubtful.  He had a better second half of the Indy game when the ball WASN’T under inflated (they switched balls at half-time).  Brady ended the game 23 of 35 passing, 226 yds, 3 TDs and 1 Int.  Even D’Qwell Jackson of the Colts stated after the game that there wasn’t a competitive advantage. 

What’s the NORMAL LEAGUE punishment for under-inflated footballs?  The NFL RULE BOOK says that teams tampering with balls are subject to a $25,000 fine.  THAT’S ALL.  And yet Goodell decided to slap the Patriots with a $1 million fine and loss of draft picks AND suspend Tom Brady for 4 games.

Does the NFL League look kinda dumb now?  Yes, yes they do.

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 The real loser in all this is Patriots back-up QB Jimmy Garoppolo, he was about to have his one shining moment.  Now he’s back to chewing gum and holding a clipboard on the sidelines.  Sorry Jimmy.