The Greatest Goal in UMBC Soccer History

Admittedly, I don’t know much about the small college in Baltimore, Maryland other than it’s mascot is a retreiver and according to wikipedia they’re notable alumni consists of a guy named Duff who apparently is a pastry chef on The Food Network and Kathleen Turner may or may not have attended classes there at some point.

But then this happened: Christos FC, an amateur Baltimore soccer team that never practices and is headquartered in a liquor store, was playing a fourth-round U.S. Open Cup match against D.C. United of MLS. In the 23rd minute, Mamadou Kansaye scored on a free kick to give his club a 1-0 lead over the three-time Open Cup champs.

Kansaye, like many of Christos FC’s players, played soccer at UMBC.  And the liquor store crowd went crazy:

 

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No Sleep Til Vancouver

For anyone who hasn’t been paying attention to the USA run at the Women’s World Cup happening in Canada right now, you’re an idiot. All of your would-be excuses relating to conflicts have run out. No other sport takes precedent throughout the next week. Believe me, I checked. There is more drama in these matches than what’s on Netflix. Seriously, yellow cards galore.

TODAY live on Fox at 7PM ET/4PM PT, USA will take on Germany in the semifinal round in Montreal.

Here’s a cheat sheet to get you up to speed–

•Germany is currently ranked #1 in the world.

•USA is the only country ever to have made it to 7 semifinal appearances in the WWC. You can say it. Total bosses.

•Friday’s win against China had 2 USA players benched due to yellow cards. They will be back and looking for vindication.

•We win, we go to Vancouver for the final match on Sunday. That’s right, the World Cup Final. One of the most highly touted sports trophies of all time.

FURTHERMORE, who can forget the men’s tenuous 0-1 Pool of Death loss to Germany last year in Brazil during the rainstorm? If this game and all that’s riding on it doesn’t spell redemption, I don’t know what does.

Today is your chance to catch up and stay up. Turn on that communal TV at work, stream it online or grab your friends and head to a watch party. We all did it last year, this is no different. These dames have game and you don’t want to miss out.

Now say it with us: “I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN.”

Come On……….Seriously?

This really happened:

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A banner on the BBC urged soccer fans all over England to “Come On Our Girls” in order to raise everyone’s spirits in the World Cup.

To further their UNBELIEVABLE play on words, they employed the cast of Bend it Like Bekham” to hold up the sign and chant!!!

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I don’t even think a well placed comma would have helped this scenario.  Seriously, is this an episode of South Park?

NBA Finals are Over, So Here’s Some Argentinian Soccer

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With the NBA Finals now officially over, we will swiftly tumble into the deep, dark, bottomless depths of the sporting year referred to as “Sports Purgatory”.  

During this time of year, the only sport inhabiting our TVs are mid-season baseball and if you’re a junky, the NBA Summer League.  On the sports calender, this time in our life is the equivalent of the film “Mad Max”. 

Picture this if you will:

A rabid, flourishing sports fan loses all his/her various team’s respective hopes, dreams and remaining season as his sports crumble into darkness.  His/Her civilization is rapidly collapsing due to war on free time, excuses to watch games on TV and newly found family priorities as well as critical resource shortages.  The sporting world is a vast, brown sandstorm of shit turning and idling as it waits to completely annihilate the desire to consume any worthwhile sporting event.  Any hope of survival remaining rests solely on the shoulders of each individual man/woman and his/her ability to remain drunk until football season starts in the fall.  Good luck to everyone’s survival out there, happy hunting.

Until then, I will strive to bring you the most obscure and hopefully ridiculous sports topics and  commentary available to the world.

Today, I introduce you to Argentinian soccer:

In Case You Missed It

Things you may have missed over the weekend while you were day-drinking, lying face down in a gutter and/or celebrating American Pharoah’s Triple Crown run.

Consider this your Sports-Over-The-Weekend-crash-course.  Pay attention, there will be a quiz later in the form of a  blue-book essay.  Remember those things!?!?

NBA Finals Game 2:  Lebron Ties Things Up

Lebron dug his heels into the soft, moist, fog-covered bay area ground on Sunday and loaded his tech-nine with strait-187 cop-killers (too bay-area 90s gangster rapper?) when he dropped his 5th playoff career triple-double and sealing the game 2 victory for the Mistake by the M-Lake.  Tallying up 39 points, 16 rebounds, 11 assists and one ENORMOUS eff-you, velociraptor-scream at the end of the game.  That’s a serious stat-line, in fact it put him in rare air on the playoff all-time record book:

Screen Shot 2015-06-08 at 6.50.15 PM I’ve not seen someone win an NBA Finals game on pure will, grit and GIANT intestinal fortitude the way that Lebron did this weekend since MJ dropped 38 points, 7 rebounds and 5 assists on June 11th, 1997 in the historical “Hang-Over Game”.  Oh, wait I mean the “Flu-Game”.

Triple Crown Winner:  American Pharoah Turns Left Well

For the first time since 1978 we have a Triple Crown winner in the exciting world of tiny, latin men riding shiny, big horses around a dirt track.  And for 2 minutes on Saturday, EVERYONE pretended they knew horse racing.

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There has only been 11 Triple Crown winners in history, for those of you who are equine-ically inclined, the Triple Crown consists of winning three races:  The Kentucky Derby, The Preakness Stakes and The Belmont Stakes.  So congratulations to American Pharoah and his jockey, Tattoo.  Uh, I mean Victor Espinoza.

Since Affirmed won the last Triple Crown, the USA has elected five presidents, fought three wars (that we’ve admitted to) and lived through at least three economic-oopsies (technical financial term for collapse).

Just in case you were wondering, this is the last known photo of Triple Crown Winner, Affirmed:

Yes, they put a horse on the cover of SI in 1978

Yes, they put a horse on the cover of SI in 1978

I know nothing about horse-racing, but I got a guy who tells me that Affirmed was a mudder and loved the slop.

NCAA Basketball Changed Some Rules

For the upcoming season the NCAA rules committee made some changes to rules that only basketball NERDS like myself really care about.  BUT, they will affect the game play next season quite a bit.  So here are the bullet-points:

  • The NCAA Women’s game will now consist of four, 10-minute quarters instead of two, 20-minute halves.  This is obviously a tester to see if the men should do it as well.  Which makes sense since at NO OTHER LEVEL of basketball except old-man rec hoops, do you play two, 20-minute halves.  High School and Pros are four-quarter games.
  • Coaches can NO LONGER call timeouts from the sideline during live play.  This means only players can be blamed for bad timeouts that ruin their lives.
  • The charge-area under the basket will be extended another foot to “reduce collisions at the basket”.  Essentially making the charge calls around the basket EVEN harder to get right.
  • During the use of a video review to see if a possible flagrant foul occurred, officials can penalize players who fake fouls.  They call this the “James Harden Rule”.
  • The shot-clock will be reduced from 35 seconds to 30 seconds.  Hopefully speeding up the pace of the game and NOT forcing more contested, terrible JR Smith-caliber, 25 foot, close-your-eyes and hope shots at the end of the clock.
  • The 5-second closely guarded while dribbling rule has been eliminated.  So now, a point guard can stand up top and dribble out the entire 30-second shot clock by himself without ever having to move.  I hated this change when they put it in the NBA years ago, it makes no sense to me.  In COLLEGE specifically, if I’m a defender on the ball at the top of the key, why would I EVER guard anyone beyond the three-point line now.  There’s no advantage as a defender other than gambling for a steal.  Taking away the 5-second dribbling violation turns every offense into the 1990’s Mark Jackson, back down your opponent with your HUGE ass, all the way to the paint and then jack up a baby-hook-shot offense.  Nobody wants that.

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FIFA Executive Member: Lies, Lies and more Lies

Officially, South Africa won the vote to host the 2010 World Cup 14-10. But according to allegations from a FIFA executive committee member, the tally was actually 13-11 in favor of Morocco, and some major bribes and leg-breaking threats for vote-counting led FIFA to announce the fraudulent result of South Africa.  According to yet another FIFA executive, there was ANOTHER bribe of $1 million from Morocco but they were double-crossed when South Africa’s bribe was larger.  Which makes this photo even more weird and heartbreaking:

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Also John Oliver makes good on his bet for Sepp Blatter’s resignation.

Justin Rose:  Professional Golf Spectator Assassin

Justin Rose was co-leading the Memorial at Muirfield Village when all of a sudden, on the 18th hole, his bunker shot went all shitty and smacked a spectator (who apparently was not coordinated enough to either SEE the ball or get out of the way) directly IN THE FACE.

There are your highlights to what turned out to be a very decent sports weekend.  I’m frightened for the months after the NBA is over and all we have is mid-season baseball highlights and pre-NFL mini-camp talk.  Hope you had a good Monday, I leave you with this, my moment of clarity (Daily Show Rip-Off):

 

FIFA Scandal is Actually The Series Finale of The Sopranos

If you’ve been buried in a hole the last week and somehow missed the episode of The Sopranos that has been unveiled concerning the President of Everything (that was 3 days ago) and of FIFA soccer, here’s a few quick updates:

Today the FIFA president, Sepp Blatter resigned from his position amidst an Octo-Mom sized laundry list of allegations.  Get it?  She had 8 kids, that’s a lot of laundry.

Josh Margolin with ABC News is reporting today that Sepp Blatter is a target of a giant, multi-continent federal investigation unveiled last week.  The list included the indictment of 14 international soccer leaders and businessmen. Those charges included plot-lines and shady, shiny-suited scumbags that Scorsese and Coppola would’ve drooled over.  These guys hit every single major organized-crime checklist item: racketeering, wire fraud, and money laundering.  And don’t forget what they did to poor Stacks in his own apartment, I mean he never even saw it coming.

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Josh Margolin said it perfectly today when he called into ESPN and spoke with Bob Ley on whether or not this entire situation at FIFA sounded like a mob-structured enterprise:

Well, it certainly looks that way. Our sources are reminding us that this is a case that was investigated and put together by the New York FBI and let’s not forget who the New York FBI is. This is the agency, the group in the FBI, that essentially broke the back of the mafia and they did it through the use of things like racketeering cases and extortion and shakedowns. And this is in many ways, we are being told, this should be read like that.

And as if that wasn’t the exclamation point on the entire conversation today, Bob Ley took it a step further with the drop-the-mic, “Omar” reference:

Messi just broke somebody’s knees

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If this was a summer pick-up basketball game at Rucker Park, EVERY DUDE in the place would’ve just run onto the field and dapped-up Lionel Messi after he shook the cleats off this poor guy.

(Apparently there’s no double-dribble or walks called in Hot Sauce’s gyms)

Seriously, Messi’s defender should’ve just asked for a sub after that complete ass-handing.