Speaking as a self-proclaimed “cool-ass white dude”, this is a heartbreaker but also a real-life litmus test for all other “cool-ass white dudes”.
Message to white dudes rockin Jordans and carrying backpacks like old-school Kanye: Don’t take your “coolness” for granted, always remember that respect is earned, not given. And for god’s sake, even though he’s lways seemed like a funny guy that everyone (who knew who he is) liked, apparently don’t be like Michael Rapaport.
The story of the scorpion and the frog is an ancient African proverb that explains the importance of knowing whom to trust.
In the story, a frog is preparing to cross a river when it is approached by a cool-ass scorpion. The scorpion asks the frog to give it a ride on its back to traverse the river (the story doesn’t explain how the scorpion learned how to speak frog language, so let’s just assume scorpions are required to take a semester of frogspeak in high school).
The frog is wary of his prospective passenger’s intentions, but the charismatic scorpion sincerely promises that he won’t sting the frog. The amphibian, convinced by the scorpion’s genuineness, finally relents and allows the scorpion to hitch a ride across the water. When they reach the opposite shore, true to its nature, the scorpion dismounts the frog and stings it to death.
“But you promised,” the frog says as he slowly dies. “I thought you were one of the good scorpions. Why did you do this?”
The scorpion looks at the frog and, with a wry smile, responds, “Because I’m Michael Rapaport.”
Michael Rapaport is a cool-ass white dude.
Everyone knows a cool white dude. They listen to hip-hop. They know how to speak “urban.” Sometimes they even embed themselves so deep in black culture that black people might start believing the cool-ass white dude is somehow immune to the disease of racism that manifests itself in many white people.
Michael Rapaport is like this.
On Sunday, before appearing on an episode of Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live,the half-chewed marshmallow center of a racism s’more posted and then deleted a picture of Real Housewives of Atlanta actress Kenya Moore alongside a photo of a gorilla.
During the episode, Rapaport chided the former Miss USA by announcing, “I didn’t wanna say it on live TV, but Kenya’s feet are ashy as fuck!” He continued: “Them shits are ashy. I didn’t wanna say it on live TV ’cause I’m a gentleman, but pan down to them shits. She can cut glass with them shits.”
This is what Michael Rapaport does.
The washed-up actor who built his career in films such as Zebrahead andHigher Learning has long benefited from being embraced by black audiences. Even his most recent gig as the fifth lead on Showtime’s White Famous was based on his proximity to the star, Jay Pharoah.
Perhaps Rapapotty’s greatest achievement in Hollywood was directing the hip-hop documentary on A Tribe Called Quest: Beats, Rhymes and Life.
Despite maintaining simultaneous careers in the fields of unemployment and anonymity, the phlegmlike fuckboy still somehow finds the time to continue his hobby of castigating black women.
In February, Rapapoot took time out of his busy schedule of looking like death warmed over in a malfunctioning toaster oven to go on an extended rant about Janet Jackson. While The Root could not confirm whether Michael Rapaport is simply rotting from the inside or method acting for an upcoming role as a zombie on The Walking Dead, Black Twitter took the time to clap back at his shenanigans.
During the Kaepernick protests, Rapperport instilled fear in the hearts of NFL players who have no idea who the fuck he is by announcing that he would drop them from his fantasy football team if they protested on 9/11. He called Spike Lee a “shitstain” while embodying what diarrhea would look like if someone existed on a diet of apple juice, cauliflower and Nilla Wafers.
His Twitter timeline is filled with him feuding with black women and calling them out of their names, because that’s what he finds hilarious. To be fair, I did find one instance of him feuding with a white woman. He seems to really despise Fox News’ Laura Ingraham. He dislikes her because of her comments. He dissed Janet, Kenya and other black women because he thought it was funny.
The worst kind of racist is one who believes he is not racist.
Michael Rapaportly believes that years of proximity to black culture give him the right to say whatever he wants to about black people. In his mind, he’s immune to being called out because he was in a John Singleton movie. He’s not a bigot because he drops his r’s when he talks. He’s friends with Q-Tip, so he can’t be racist. Some of his best films are black.
The sad thing is, he’s probably right.
No matter how despicable Michael RipApart is, there are still some who will cape for him. He’s a cool-ass white dude, so they will excuse his habitual line stepping, especially when it involves black women. He’s the kind of person who says the n-word around his friends because they know “what kind of person” he is.
That kind of person is a racist.
The marginally talented Michael Rapaport has figured out a way to keep himself from drowning in Hollywood by riding on the backs of black folks for years. He doesn’t see anything wrong with his poison because ultimately, it is who he truly is.
There is another African proverb that goes: When someone tells you who they are, don’t believe them. When someone shows you who they are, believe them … unless it’s Michael Rapaport. Fuck that guy.
He’s the worst.
Note: This article may contain some misspellings of Michael Rapaport’s name. We tried to Google the correct spelling, but Google responded, “Who?”